Tips for OLD

[cloverblue]

Ready to start dating again and entered the world of OLD, but I'm out of touch after a long marriage. I have no chat! I dont want to talk about my children, but I'm a single mum and my life revolves around them due to SEN. I work, but dont want to talk work. I have limited support so no hobbies. I feel like a very boring person, even though my life is filled with being a mum, and working!

How are others navigating starting to chat to others again after a long relationship? Im also shocked how many turn the conversation sexual so quickly, its off putting.

If conversations turn sexual, immediately block. Check out Burned Haystack on facebook (there is a book but you don't need to buy it) for how to screen profiles to reduce the likelihood of sexual chat and other red flags.

What kind of things interest you? What activities would you like to share with a partners? What do you talk to friends about?

Ruling out work, children and hobbies is ruling out a lot of potential conversation, although I agree specifics should be avoided for safety reasons.

Its the effort too, I want to make effort, but im getting the same messages, sometimes just an emoji or dead chat. Like why message me when its me having to carry the conversation. I can see why its draining.

Screen more heavily and unmatch anyone who isn’t putting the effort in. Rarely does anyone improve, you just get bored and stop yourself.
I have plenty of chats going about a wide variety of different things. Do you have pets, watch tv, like music, enjoy reading, exercise, food, go on holiday? There’s loads of things to talk about. I don’t discuss work or kids either but use the prompt questions to share things about you and ask them about themselves. Book a date early on so you’re not a penpal either. Good luck.

Everyone develops then own strategies to help screen out the times wasters, the married, the fruitcakes etc. What is unavoidable is that it is a numbers game. Do not get drawn into endless messaging, I personally liked to speak to people on the phone relatively early, you can usually tell within a couple of minutes if things are worth taking further. Usual profile checks and balances, have they made an effort, are the photos recent and do not contain big fish, cropped out former partners or their dogs. Is the profile chat GTP slop or have they actually written themselves etc.

Yes the fish! And there's the ones that dont even crop out.

How can you tell if they're married?

Look for wedding rings in photos, "separated", or "don't judge" are usually indicators. You need to screen ruthlessly and unmatch if the conversation is dry. Anyone who uses their profile to tell women how to behave or their deal breakers rather than describing themselves.

Yes! Seen some odd ones, ranting at women in general and swearing calling names, they're meant to be wanting a woman yet they're full of hate.

Block them so they don't reappear in your stack.

Generally most people OLD are keen, proactive and will, within reason, make time to go on dates. Those folk who go dark for days between messages, bail out on dates at last minute, are evasive on more personal questions or are just flakey are not good omens. Not saying they are all married or attached but the optics are not good.

Come join the dating thread, lots of advice over there 😊

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5508497-dating-thread-56-love-is-in-the-air?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Don't bother using Tinder, the panacea of Burned Haystack won't fix the issue that no one is worth dating on that app.

I think thats a bit harsh.

Many separate and dont get divorced for years for a number of reasons. Rings, all of my pics were recent (normally last least 1 was within a month but the rest were at most 6m old) bar 1 which was my fave from 3 years ago so left it in (ring too) and I have not changed between pics.

As for deal breakers - yes a long list is off putting but emphasising no young kids, smoking, drugs for example saves peoples time and is not a negative

You've had some really good advice here OP. Would echo others, screen carefully, don't be a penpal and block without hesitation.

It’s a numbers game. I’d aim to meet for coffee or a walk within a week. If they don’t have time to meet up then they aren’t going to have time to date. Messaging is difficult to judge chemistry so use it to look for red flags but don’t get to bogged down into trying to generate a connection via text

know what’s important to you and be confident to discount people who you know have dealbreakers associated with them. Don’t be suckered into giving someone a chance if there are things you wont tolerate

Thankyou all. The block button is being used a lot. I dont get why men feel it appropriate to make sexually lewd comments within moments.

I have followed the dating thread, its really good to see others experiences.

My biggest boundary I'm setting atm is I don't accept last minute or half-arsed plans. If we're going on a date, I want to know the time and venue at least 36 hours before so I can plan my outfit, travel etc. I'm happy to walk the walk myself with this too.

There are so many low effort guys on apps that they filter themselves out this way.