Issues with DP and communication

[mozzarellasticks42]

Been with DP for 3 years. 1st relationship for me after my 20 year marriage. It was amazing at first, but then the insecurity started creeping in. He would be away for long periods of time with little to no communication about it. Always last minute. I met his best friend last year and he didn’t even know who I was. I’ve never met his parents. He lives an hour away yet met up with a different best mate in the pub five minutes away from my house (his mate also lives an hour away in the opposite direction) the only reason I know this is because I met friends there. He seemed shocked and annoyed that I was there. When we see each other it’s on his terms, he would never give anything up to see me. Sex is always on his terms as well.

whenever I’ve tried to raise any of these things as being hurtful he completely shuts me down. Tells me I’m insecure, or he can’t remember it happening, he was only joking etc. I’ve tried to explain to him that communication in a relationship is important. He’s saying it’s not.

He very much lives like a single person with the benefits of being in a relationship.

For context we are both mid 40s divorced both got two kids. Don’t live together. He’s got 3 failed marriages under his belt.

Please tell me im not going mad and that effective communication is an important part of a relationship?

this does not sound like any relationship I know tbh

Kindness and effective communication are indispensable to a relationship, and they go hand in hand. It is unkind not to be receptive to your partner's bid for connection, and to address any concerns they might have (goes both ways). If he doesn't think communication is necessary, it certainly explains his three failed marriages..

Ofcourse effective communication doesn't mean you can't have your own life, friends and even some privacy. Is this what he means with communication?

He doesn’t really sound like he’s your partner tbh. Just a bloke you shag occasionally?

I reckon you deserve much better. 💐

He is only interested in using you when it is convenient. He does not consider himself to be in a relationship with you.

I would suggest that you stop wasting your time with this one.

It's not that difficult to say 'This isn't working for me.'

Please don't waste any more of your time on him. He sounds like he's just not that into you. You can do much better!

Three failed marriages, plus still wanting to live like a single man and keep you separate from his friends and family...these are all major red flags. You deserve better

• He lives the life of a single man and has three failed marriages?
• And he treats you like a commodity?
• Everything is on his terms, including the sex?
• Gets annoyed when you don’t perform like an appliance that services his needs.

Sorry, what was your question?

Does he have any good points?

Don’t waste one more minute twisting yourself into a pretzel for a zero effort man who sees you as a convenient fuck buddy.

It sounds like he might not actually be single tbh.

Ask yourself why you think this is all that you’re worth? There’s a good reason why he’s failed as a husband 3 times - stop ignoring the absolutely glaring red flags, stay single and do the freedom programme.

Thanks Mumsnet I needed to hear this!

I don’t know what he means tbh because he flatly refuses to engage even in talking about how we can work on our communication. He minimises and makes me out to be crazy because I feel it’s important in a relationship.

I’m going to after reading these comments I think.

Good advise thank you