How much support should adult children be given?

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When I met my DP 6 years ago I thought he was the elusive great catch that everyone hopes to find online. He’s amazing in many ways - kind, generous, hardworking and good fun. We get on brilliantly and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had in many ways. We don’t live together but I see us staying together. But of course there’s a but…

He has a grown up child from a previous relationship and they cause him so many problems. He’s genuinely a good dad - always there with support and advice despite the DC treating him as a taxi/cash point/emotional punchbag most of the time. They don’t work and have been in serious trouble several times, they have multiple mental health issues which they refuse to get help for. The mother provides very little support so it’s down to my DP.

The DC recently broke up with a long term partner and consequently are relying on my DP a lot more. I honestly do feel some sympathy because their life seems very sad but much of it has been brought about by their own choices and decisions. DP brought them up as a single dad because the mother wasn’t interested but they don’t seem to appreciate or even acknowledge that.

They are now finally trying to get help for their issues which is a positive step but it’s opened a whole can of worms and I’m concerned they shouldn’t be left alone to deal with it. But how much can they expect of my DP? I know he’ll step up even though it’s affecting his own health and his work, but what can he do? Even though they’re an adult they’re still his child.

Not sure what I’m expecting from this but I’m worried about the future for all of us.

”Even though they’re an adult they’re still his child.”

And always will be. My children are in their twenties and I’d fully expect them to turn to me if they needed help. I still talk to my mum regularly and she would help me if I needed anything.

Depends what mumsnet thread you’re reading. Pregnant women are being told they are unreasonable to expect family support and should just get on and cope and once you get to adulthood any form of family support is a sign of entitlement….

I’ve recently gone through something similar with my DS and he’s needing a heck of a lot of support, emotionally, practically and financially and it’s been very draining time consuming. That’s just how it is,

And I know I’d do the same for my own adult child but I’m worried about my partner, it’s too much for him to deal with and I’m the only support he has, his family have written his DC off and aren’t interested.

Depends on the child the situation and resources available.
Everyone will handle these situations differently.
I found your post hard to follow/cryptic.
For the past 5 months my 41yr old son has needed emotional physical and financial help after a life changing medical situation.
I suspect several years of help will be needed in our case.

Sorry I was trying to be vague about details as you never know who’s reading.

How old is the adult child?

I would step back so your DP can concentrate on his adult child as if you become too involved you are going to become indignant on your DP’s behalf when he struggles to cope. He may be supporting his AC for many months/year and you will eventually feel he’s supporting AC, your supporting DP and no one is there for you. You already feel his AC treats him like crap so when you become drained of propping DP up and your relationship has been put on the back burner you are going to say something that will make DP feel he hasn’t the headspace to deal with finding the time for you.

I don’t mean walking away from this man, I just feel you need to let him care for his AC whilst you start seeing more of your friends and pleasing yourself rather than becoming resentful you’re role is now going to be your DP’s therapist as his world will become all about his AC and there is a chance his AC won’t want to stand on his own two feet or it takes years.

How much support should adult children be given? As much as they need.

If it was in my power I would always try and help / support my adult DC as much as I could as my own parents have done for me. They did not stop being my child once they hit 20.

From your description of your partners adult child it sounds like this situation will be ongoing. How old are they and do they still live with your partner? I can't imagine someone as caring as your partner stepping away from them when they need support especially if they have broken up with a long term partner. It's a tricky situation but l can't see things changing.

They’re mid 20s, they don’t live with my partner.

I feel like I do need to take a step back because it’s exactly as @SpryCat says - I fully accept my DP needs to do this and would think him a poor parent if he didn’t step up but it leaves me being the support for him and that’s hard on our relationship plus I’ve got my own adult DC and elderly parents to look out for. I resent his family because I think they are the ones who should be looking out for him but they just make him feel like it’s all his fault.

I feel for you, we have a similar situation of my partners adult child needing alot of support. I help emotionally and practically as much as I can but do keep a distance as I have my own children. It's incredibly hard but the situation won't change so it's about finding ways to be supportive without being drained.

All you can do is be there for your DP, keep checking he’s doing ok and perhaps arrange a night away for you too. He’s likely to be feeling drained and exhausted.

How much support should be given?

As much as I could manage, I would do pretty much anything legal/moral to support my unwell and vulnerable adult DC through a life crisis.

Of course the dad support his young adult son, especially as he was a solo parent, and it sounds Like hes dong a good job. If the son has been a troubled teen, then maybe his family have stepped back.

You’re willing to support your adult dc and parents, but seem to resent dp doing the same to his dc.

We all bring up our kids with the aim they are going to be happy, healthy and successful adults. It doesn’t always work out. Most parents will keep helping their children well into adulthood if necessary, which it sounds like it is.

That said, I have been in a similar position to your DP with my young adult DC2. Things got to a crisis point recently (I was having sleepless nights worrying about DC2). I spoke to a very wise friend who told me to take a small step back, which essentially required
me to lose my temper with DC2 (a very rare event - I am generally very placid) and tell them to sort their problems out. Part of that was emphasizing that I was happy to advise them on dealing with any type of problem but now that they were an
adult, they had to drive things themselves rather than hope I am going to sort everything. That worked. DC2 does also have genuine problems but I did feel they were leaning on me more than they needed to.

And incidentally I don’t think it was DC2’s fault that I ended up running too much of their life - I think it was that they genuinely needed support and so it was harder for both of us to get out of parent and child mode.

I don’t resent it entirely but the son has made very bad choices and treats his dad very poorly. I think anyone would struggle with seeing their partner hurt but I know he will - and should - do it regardless.

Can you step up and support your partner as he navigates this difficult situation? Plenty of ‘step’ parents support their partners children, even if it’s just by helping their partner whilst things are tough.

Yes I will support him but it’s really not easy. I don’t owe this person anything but I love his dad and I do see that life hasn’t always been easy for either of them.

I guess I just didn’t expect it because we met at a time when our kids were older and supposedly living their own lives but realistically this is always going to be part of our relationship and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I don’t want the drama and I don’t want to be mixed up in his son’s chaotic lifestyle. Like I said, I knew he was too good to be true - there had to be a catch.

Depends on the kid i have 2 adult children one is very capable and needs very little the other is a mess and needs a lot of help and support and I can't imagine this ever changing unless she has a complete personality transplant