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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really want to meet someone but feel undesirable?

19 replies

BunBunBunnyBun · 06/04/2026 23:45

Im very lonely and would love a relationship but I can’t get it out my head that no one will want me now? I just feel undesirable as a partner (single parent) not much to offer anyone. How can I stop feeling this way? Please don’t tell me I need to be happy on my own etc

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TheAvidWriter · 07/04/2026 00:40

I am not going to tell you that you need to be happy on your own, BUT, I will say how you view yourself matters. Of course someone is going to want you, so please dont think that as it will just pile on the negativity in your head and give it massive space it does not deserve. So out with that and in with your worth.

Make a list of what you would like in a partner, then another one what you like in yourself that you have to offer a partner, and there is a lot. But dont give just anyone a chance, I did that because I felt exactly like you and ended up with a bellend. He was a proper cocklodger and was really good at love bombing me, and silly me fell for it for a while. So its really important that you dont self talk yourself into believing you are undesirable and that you have nothing to give because its going to reel in those you definitely dont want.

BunBunBunnyBun · 07/04/2026 01:44

Thank you, it’s just hard as im aware my circumstances make me an unattractive prospect to date.

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Italiangreyhound · 07/04/2026 02:29

I am sure you have a lot to offer.

You do need to respect and love yourself, and value yourself. Please work on that. You could read some self help books or get some counselling. Honestly, I am sure you have a lot to offer.

What makes you a good friend, what makes you a good mum?

These are part of you.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/04/2026 13:06

Just ignore it and get out there. It might be true, it might not be, but you'll never actually know unless you ignore it and try to date.

category12 · 07/04/2026 13:19

Plenty of single parents find partners. Is there something else that makes you feel bad about yourself?

I wouldn't go into dating thinking you're a poor bargain and your dc a nuisance, as you'll just find the absolute dregs of men.

You need to go in with a high bar.

S0j0urn4r · 07/04/2026 13:28

Being single parents hasn't stopped any of my friends finding someone.
If you feel somehow 'substandard' you'll attract the wrong people. Maybe work on your confidence a bit first.

BunBunBunnyBun · 07/04/2026 13:31

Thanks but yes there are other reasons as im currently out of work due to disability so I think a single mum not working is going to be very low down on the list for most men even single fathers, my family also said no man would want a woman with 3 kids, apparently 1 or 2 is ok but not 3 and my ex said when we broke up I would just be a “slutty single mum that no one wants”

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Thegrassroots26 · 07/04/2026 13:33

I’m sure you have a lot to offer. The problem is meeting people who want a proper relationship these days is getting harder. Even people who might see themselves are super high value struggle. It’s for this reason I don’t bother anymore and am trying to just accept life on my own. Perhaps second time lucky is rarer than we think. I know that isn’t positive, but I think I prefer realism these days.

Thegrassroots26 · 07/04/2026 13:35

Fwiw as well you have to try not to worry about what others think of you. If we constantly do this it does us no favours in the long run. ‘Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business’ 🙂.

category12 · 07/04/2026 13:45

I'm sorry you have such a horrible family and ex. Their words are not gospel.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 07/04/2026 16:31

You need to work on your confidence before you even think about dating. It’s an absolute shit show out there even for people with high self esteem. Going into it believing the bullshit your ex and shitty family have said to you puts you on the back foot before you even start.

Plenty of single mums find love, plenty of people with disabilities or other limiting factors have fulfilling and happy lives - neither of those attributes rule you out of a loving relationship with a caring partner. The biggest hurdle you have to face is the lack of decent people out there on dating sites and your own lack of self worth. I don’t know the answers, but I do know that you won’t find a high quality man with the attitude that you don’t deserve one. Invest in some therapy first.

Italiangreyhound · 07/04/2026 19:35

Please do not listen to your ex. What does he know. Seriously, there is reason he is an ex. Your family also sound very negative and unsupportive.

Badbadbunny · 07/04/2026 19:41

You need to "get out there", not specifically looking for a partner, but just to expand your horizons, with hobbies, sports, activities, etc., and grow your self confidence. Concentrate on finding new hobbies/interests and make friends through those first, male and female. You may well find your potential partners when you're least expecting it.

ohyesido · 07/04/2026 19:45

Your family and your ex have done a real number on you. None of those things are true, plenty of single parents with several children find new partners.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 08/04/2026 14:25

BunBunBunnyBun · 07/04/2026 13:31

Thanks but yes there are other reasons as im currently out of work due to disability so I think a single mum not working is going to be very low down on the list for most men even single fathers, my family also said no man would want a woman with 3 kids, apparently 1 or 2 is ok but not 3 and my ex said when we broke up I would just be a “slutty single mum that no one wants”

I think you're overestimating what men are looking for from a date.

Generally, it's a nice evening with someone nice enough to go on a second date with.

We're not thinking long term, not thinking about what life will be like with this person 10 years, 1 year, even 3 months from now. We're thinking about whether we're enjoying ourselves right now. Long term relationships aren't something we go looking for, they're something we find ourselves in.

So go out, and date. Your circumstances really aren't going to be that much of a factor in whether you get any interest.

BunBunBunnyBun · 08/04/2026 14:32

I don’t think that’s true, men of course ask if you have kids, if you work etc same as women. I can’t imagine many women would go on a date with a man who said he didn’t work 😕 but it’s a normal conversation people have before meeting if you have kids/ what you do for work

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 08/04/2026 14:45

BunBunBunnyBun · 08/04/2026 14:32

I don’t think that’s true, men of course ask if you have kids, if you work etc same as women. I can’t imagine many women would go on a date with a man who said he didn’t work 😕 but it’s a normal conversation people have before meeting if you have kids/ what you do for work

They ask, but its just a way of learning about someone, it's unlikely to be a factor in deciding whether to continue dating someone, at least not initially for a man.

Men and women tend to date differently from each other. Women tend to go into dating looking for a long term partner. Men go into dating to have fun. There's all kinds of reasons for it, women have a more limited time window to have kids, women are more vulnerable if the man turns out to be a wrong'un etc.

But it boils down to women having more of an incentive to turn a potential partner down. I'm in my early 40's now, and I've got a good few friends who are dating at the moment, both male and female, most following divorces etc.

The way the two groups are dating is completely different. The women are whittling the men down before they're even meeting them, based on life stages, whether they have kids, how long they've been separated from their ex, what their job is etc.

The men on the other hand are basically meeting up with any woman who's up for a date. And the whittling comes afterwards, and it's based on how well the date has gone, did she seem fun, is she up for a second date, (and yes, does it seem like sex is on the cards sometime soon). They're not looking at the long term, and some of them seem quite shocked a year down the line when suddenly they're being asked to meet the kids etc.

That's where you're likely to encounter issues I think. You're not going to struggle getting dates, or even an early days relationship. It's 6 months to a year in that you'll find men bailing, because they're suddenly realising that a serious relationship looks very different to when they were in their 20s and noone had any real responsibilities.

Buscake · 08/04/2026 14:48

Op I’m solo parent to 3 kids. No men care that I have kids, honestly. I put on my profile on the apps I have kids (no details, no pics). They all assume I mean 2 when I say kids but not a single one has said omg 3 that’s gross go away. It’s just a recalibration of their expectation that “kids” = 2.

I would echo other posters in saying that you need to work on yourself maybe in therapy or identifying what is good about you. What you like about yourself. It’s hard being a single parent and I feel sure you could write pages of positive things about yourself if you were to do it objectively - like thinking about yourself and how you parent as if it was one of your friends. That’s what you need to do - treat yourself with love and compassion. You deserve happiness, you are worthy of connection and love - your kids show you that. Fuck your ex he sounds like a cunt, and you are better off without him.

I found the apps overwhelming at first. I also doubted my worth and whether men would be interested but I found it the opposite. Be discerning, be selective. But also enjoy some attention, some validation and some time for you as a woman, as a person in your own right.

BunBunBunnyBun · 08/04/2026 14:54

Oh ok thanks both i am not looking for a partner not into anything casual. Just thought men would be put off by my situation but hopefully that isnt the case then

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