Need some advice please ladies.... (quite long)

[wangle99]

DH and I have been together for just 17 years, married for 13.5, two children (DD 11, and DS 4).

For the majority of this time DH has been a lazy bastard who's done bugger all to help me, he hasn't done much with the chidlren in fact has done nothing at all really. Every now and again I'd have a screaming/crying/hysterical fit he'd help for a day or so and then go back to normal.

Last week I decided enough was enough, told him EVERYTHING that I was fed up with (think he was a bit shocked tbh lol), he admitted he is addicted to using his computer and that is why recently he's been worse than ever.

This must be about a week ago now, since then he's hardly touched the pc, done loads more with the children (so much so that DD went over and actually hugged him unprompted which is unheard of) and has been helping more around the house (I work nearly full time, 2 hour school run and studying as well so need help!).

Half of me thinks I really don't want to wipe out 17 years of togetherness (although to be fair he's been a lazy sod for most of it) but the other half of me thinks here we go again how long with the 'nice' last for.

I know ultimately this is my decision but any thoughts, comments gratefully received.... Thank you.

see how long this latest bout of helpfulness lasts......he may surprise you.
And if he starts slipping again, then maybe you should suggest going to counselling.......he needs to realise how fed up with this long term, and not just think that you reached a point of getting it off your chest and that things will be ok again in a few weeks.

It may be unrealistic to think you change behaviour that you have been putting up with (and accepting) for 17 years. In his mind, it is not so bad, as are still with him.

A screaming/crying/hysterical fit is hardly constructive, and he would think you are just premenstrual or something, and lie low rather than change.

You need to change your approach, which seems a little immature. Write a list of everything you do, and everything you perceive him to do, and ONE list with possible suggestion to what else he should take on. Try to call into a family meeting, sit yourself at the table, and discuss this calmly. It is actually not a question of helping you. It is a matter of equal partners taking full responsibility for conducting family life in such a way that all parties benefit, and no person end up knackered while the other has plenty of time to chill out.

Why did you leave it for 17 years before saying how you feel? I don't think he is in the right, but neither does it seem that you have handled this well- sitting down talking and dividing household chores etc seems to be the answer. if you have treated him like a naughty child it is not surprising he is behaving like one, is it?

As well as getting him to do his bit, you also need to look at your own life and ask if you have a realistic level of commitment to work, studying, family etc- sounds as if you are over-loaded anyway. Maybe you need to cut back a bit on one of these.

Draw up a list if everything that needs doing, from child care to shopping and cleaning, and then sit down and decide what you will each do.

Having a fit every now and then is not the asnwer- you will just come over as unhinged and irrational or having PMT- no wonder he doesn't respond.

Thanks ladies for your replies I wrote this quickly this morning before I went out and didn't explain myself properly.

I have tried every approach over the years, sitting quietly talking, writing letters, dividing chores up, weekly planners so everyone knows what we are doing, have also done the screaming, crying, hysterical fits as last resort.

I went through my mother separating from partners 3 times whilst I was growing up so have been struggling to carry on as to not do that to our own children

I have spoken to him every few months for at least the last 10 years, he changes for a few days and then returns to the way he was before.

Apologies for not making that clear earlier!

Thanks ladies for your replies I wrote this quickly this morning before I went out and didn't explain myself properly.

I have tried every approach over the years, sitting quietly talking, writing letters, dividing chores up, weekly planners so everyone knows what we are doing, have also done the screaming, crying, hysterical fits as last resort.

I went through my mother separating from partners 3 times whilst I was growing up so have been struggling to carry on as to not do that to our own children

I have spoken to him every few months for at least the last 10 years, he changes for a few days and then returns to the way he was before.

Apologies for not making that clear earlier!

Computer is the thief of time. Must go down and spend some time with my dh or possibly do some housework, but before i do could I just say, it sounds like he usually does as little as he can get away with. A reasonable attitude, am a bit like that myself.

Perhaps you could think about indicating to him things that in future won't get done unless he does them. It'll have to be something you can live with not being done for a while, if ever. Because he can afford to be lazy when he knows you will do it.

If you are both working, why not have a cleaner?

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I don't envy you that school run.

Agreed- it is only when he starts to feel the consequences of his own apathy /laziness that he will make an effort. Can you give him "His" jobs and not do them for him- so he is faced with the consequences?