Should we go public about our relationship given our shared history?

[aunaturel78]

I left an emotionally and verbally abusive, long term relationship 3 years ago. After a very difficult time, I started seeing someone I had known for a long time as a friend. I was also friendly with his ex partner, not extremely close but our kids are the same age and at one time all of us as couples were friends along with our kids also being friends. They separated over 10 yrs ago and she is getting married soon.
We knew from the beginning it was a tricky situation and have spent many late nights discussing how to navigate this. I have always considered myself as someone with strong morals and so felt the breach of girl code and take full accountability for that. This ex friend has not really been in my life for the past 7/8 yrs- if we met on the street we would have a quick chat etc.When I went through a very difficult time during the breakup and a very sick mother, she did not check in once.
We have kept our situation pretty much secret except for a few close friends.I should add that we have lots of mutual friends also. We have a great relationship and are very happy. He supports me in a way my ex never did in all those years together and it's just easy and fun.
Obviously the huge problem is our situation and history as two families. He wants to be open with everyone about our relationship. I feel like it will upset people and never want to hurt anyone. Life is really good, I have done well in my career and just bought a gorgeous new house.
All our kids are now young adults, two of our boys now in their mid 20's were close all through school and I'm particularly worried that my son, who is quite traditional, will be very upset with this relationship.
I just don't know what to do here, I know it will be really difficult to end the relationship.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any advice?

I've no idea what the "girl code" is and can't see what the "huge problem" is with going out with someone who split up from his ex years ago and that you barely know now.

This.

I think you are making it a bigger deal than it actually is. She's getting married, they broke up years ago. In her position I would be happy to see him moving on with someone I already knew wasn't a psychopath
if there are also children involved

Well his ex is getting married soon so l presume she is happy in her own life and couldn't care less what he is doing. Just enjoy your relationship and stop worrying. No need for a big announcement just carry on as she may even know already through the grapevine. There is no issue.

You are really overthinking this. You are two single people. The ex has moved on and is getting married. The two of you are not best mates.

Do you really envisage keeping your relationship secret forever. Whatever for? How would that work?

I don’t think this is a girl code situation, you’re not friends with her.

You're Overthinking this a little.

So the alternative is what? To hide your relationship in case you upset someone who is getting remarried who isn’t really in your life? There is nothing scandalous or hurtful in anything you’ve said. Just “go public”

I think that this will only be a big deal if you present it as one.
So just mention the bloke you are seeing and dont make a song and dance of it.

How long have you been with new partner?
Presumably your DC don't live with you?
If you've been with new partner six months or so, I think it's right to start telling family and friends. There's just no point hiding it any longer.

Good lord, what a drama!

And how on earth is it better to be skulking around secretly and keeping secrets from your adult children than making a former friend aware that you are seeing her long-gone ex?

Tell your children you have started seeing someone… and it might be a bit of a surprise as it’s Xxx. Tell your children first, then start mentioning it to friends.

It’s fine, the girl code doesn’t apply in your situation. If it did then nobody would ever date anybody!

Why on earth would you you end a good relationship for someone you are barely friends with who is about to marry someone else and probably doesn’t care at all.

I am in a similar situation although his ex has not entered a new relationship and she still considers me a friend. We don’t see each other often despite living jus a few villages apart (a couple of times a year) but she messages me every couple of weeks. I feel awful, truly terrible with regards to the girl code although those around me tell me that we have technically done nothing wrong as there was no cross over between relationships, and they were divorced.

anyway, I wanted to say that I understand! I have told my ex, but not her yet as I am not too sure how to broach it. I have identified that the part that is holding me back is being seen as the bad friend, which is what I am struggling with. But, I can’t have my relationship (which makes me so happy) and continue with this friendship, so something has to give…

FWIW, my ex, whilst not thrilled, did say that at least I was seeing someone we both knew quite well rather than a stranger.

good luck!

Really not seeing the issue here. You both had previous relationships, now you don't. You're not hurting anyone by going out with each other.

So you were friends with his ex? They split up a decade ago and she's marrying someone else. What exactly do you think will upset her about the fact he's moving on?

My mum kept her relationship from my brother for years and that caused way more problems then just being honest about things in the first place would have. Just tell everyone - I am sure it will be fine after the dust had settled.

How does your son being "traditional" fit in here? What do you think he'd object to?

I feel like there's some essential context missing.

On the face of it, you're two free agents whose ex-partners have both moved on. You're not and never were bezzies with his ex, you're not still married, so what's the issue? Are you afraid people will think you were having an affair before your prior relationships broke down?

It's interesting that you went to the idea of ending the relationship rather than deal with any sort of fall out.

Standing up for yourself and him and the relationship is also an option, no?

The way I see it, you have 3 choices.

go ‘public’ and see what happens (I suspect nothing will happen at all)
stay secretive (not a very adult approach, and not the strategy your DP wants to follow)
end the relationship (cutting your nose off)

I know which sounds the most sensible to me.

It sounds like you’re making it into an unnecessary drama tbh - the relationship ended years ago and she’s getting married? I can’t imagine she cares much tbh.

Neither of you are ‘girls’ You have adult children for goodness sake. Please act like a grown up woman; you were both free at the time you got together. Don’t over think this.

I’m more concerned that your children (adults) might be upset that you have been keeping this secret from them for years. They might consider that if you have been lying by omission for so long, what else are you lying about now? As well as the ick factor of going out with a friend’s parent.

The sooner you tell them face to face in a natural way, the better.

This isn’t the big drama you think it is.

You’re not even friends with his ex any more so it’s not like you’re going to lose a mate here. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.

"junebirthdaygirl · Yesterday 22:24
Well his ex is getting married soon so l presume she is happy in her own life and couldn't care less what he is doing. Just enjoy your relationship and stop worrying. No need for a big announcement just carry on as she may even know already through the grapevine. There is no issue."

This with bells on. As PPs have said - you seem to be making this into a much bigger deal that it needs to be and it's unclear why. I don't think the "code" you refer to has ever meant ruling out dating all female acquaintance's exes, no matter how long ago the split or how remote the connection. If she were a good friend of yours and they had recently split in circumstances which caused her pain and sadness, well then - definitely, I would steer clear or, if I were head over heels in love with the guy, prepare to lose a friendship. But what you're referring to - no, it's just not an issue.

To be frank, in her shoes I would actually feel insulted by the way you're thinking which seems to be premised on him being so terribly important in her life that 10 years after they have split she's still got a huge stake in who he dates and what he does. It's like you're making yourselves main characters in her life when she's so clearly just busy and happy living it.

How long have you been in a relationship?

If it’s still early days then I wouldn’t be telling anyone.

But if it’s not, then I don’t see what the problem is.

They separated 10 years ago, she’s getting married and you’ve not spoken to her for 7/8 years.

Was it a really bad breakup or something?

If you were close friends then I’d say it was a complete no no but you don’t sound very close at all.

Do you enjoy drama, OP? Because there is zero issue here. Unless of course you just want something to agonize over.

You’re way past overthinking this .
Your adult children should be delighted their mom has met someone & is happy , the fact that they know him & like him is a win win all round.
Why would his Ex wife care 🤷🏻‍♀️.
They’re split so long & she’s getting married.
Everyone has moved on .

Hope everything works out for you , it’s nice to meet someone & be happy 🙌