Lonely sibling and dealing with feelings of worry and guilt

[easterb]

I have an older DB (early 60s) who got divorced a few years ago. He now lives alone. He works quite long hours and obviously sees people at work. But outside of work I fear he is living quite a solitary life. I live a long way away from him unfortunately so can’t see him regularly- so it’s as hoc every few months when we can manage it. If I was nearer it would be more regular. We have another sibling who lives nearer to him but they don’t seem bothered about him, and make no effort to see him. Our parents have passed away. He doesn’t have many friends - he does have a few but they are all in relationships and he seems them infrequently.

I find myself worrying about him and his wellbeing and have horrible feelings of guilt when I think of him all alone, especially at weekends. I know he’s an adult and needs to build a new life but I think it’s hard as an older man, without much of a family network and especially when working long hours.

It feels so bleak and I hate the thought of it. It’s like a rumbling discomfort that’s always present at the back of my mind. And I’m guessing this feeling will get worse as he gets older and has health issues.

Anyone been there?

@easterb

I've not been there but can imagine it is hard.

When you do visit could you do something together in his community. Can you encourage him to get out and about? My church does loads of things for older people and some are totally not religious, like sports.

It's not your fault and you should not feel guilt.

How do you know he's lonely?
If he was lonely. he is old enough to find groups to help with this.

I find myself worrying about him and his wellbeing and have horrible feelings of guilt when I think of him all alone, especially at weekends.

Lovely, there are two things going on here. You care deeply for him and love him, but you are -assuming- he feels lonely and unhappy. Perhaps you would in his shoes, but you need to talk to him to find out if that's actually how he feels. He may feel partly lonely, and partly quite okay with his own company.

You need to talk to him.

Beyond that you can suggest various things- clubs, social evenings.... might Age Concern or someone have a befriending service?

You can keep in touch by phone regularly and visit him when you can.

Beyond this its difficult to know what you can do, partly because of distance and partly because the fact is that even if you lived a street away, it's also on him to make a move. Does he gave any interests that he could build social contacts through?

But first, you need to figure out what the actual situation is, whether he's unhappy with the level of social contact he has or not, and not place yourself in his shoes. He's the one standing in them.

I know that he’s lonely because he tells me that he is - and it’s just really clear that he feels isolated. I know there are things he can do and that’s for him - I guess I’m looking for ways to handle my own feelings of guilt and worry about him. It’s like if I’m relaxing on a Saturday or something and then I think about what he’s doing, a cloud descends.

And I suppose I also have to make peace with the fact that I’m his next of kin and would be the person hospitals etc call on if / when he is infirm. It feels like a big responsibility (especially after many years of having to manage my widowed Mum in a similar way before she died).

Time for some tough love - if he's not happy with his life, he's the one that needs to take action.

"What are you going to do about it, Dave?"
"Have you looked into whats available in your local area that you could get involved with and meet people?"

I note you say that you cant visit him that often. Does he visit you or do you have to make all the effort? Hes coming over as rather 'poor me' and passive here, is that a reasonable interpretation? If so, remind yourself he is choosing to live like this, he's choosing not to change. In which case there's no need for you to feel guilty.

He needs to take steps to make friends or build more of a social life, and you need to realise that guilt is a choice in this kind of situation.

Could you invite him to stay with you in between your visits to him?

OP, your sibling is absolutely not your responsibility. If he says he is lonely, there are lots of things he can do to meet people. The solution rests with him.