Going low contact with parents - how?

[lulujuju]

The short version of this is that my mum left my dad when I was 9 for another man. My mum expected that my dad would let her have the house and move out but he didn’t, so me and my brothers lived with our dad until I was 13. My mum was desperate to have me live with her and I felt pressured to move in with her and her new partner. My brothers were older and had moved out by this time.
I never liked her partner, he was shouty and would go into what she called “black moods” where he would stop talking to us for days if we did something wrong. I was constantly walking on eggshells to keep his mood steady - things like not eating too loudly, buying him things when out, never taking up too much time or space. My mum always refers to him as my stepdad but this now makes me feel so angry.
When I was 17, he started taking secret photos of me, nothing sexual but just randomly of me around the house, he would also search through my things. I told my mum this and he said he would stop.
I was so scared that he would attack me one day and used to dread my mum going out and leaving me alone with him.
Now I have my own children, I am full with rage at both of them. I wish I had just moved back in with my dad.
I no longer want to see him, but my mum would be devastated, she calls me her best friend and constantly puts him on a pedestal, but I am also angry with her for not putting me first. She had plenty of opportunities to leave him over the years and didn’t.
I’d appreciate any advice from those who’ve cut contact and what the fallout was.

If you no longer want to see him you can do that and you do not have to make a formal announcement to them.

What do your siblings think of your mother now?.

Your mother has and continues to put her man first and she will continue to do so for her own reasons. She made a choice here and she chose him. Do not allow her to keep on throwing you under the bus.

She calling you her daughter her best friend is not entirely emotionally healthy. Both of them are not emotionally safe enough to be around and I would also keep your dc well away from them.

Thank you for your reply.
My brothers have their own sad relationships with her as her partner despises them both and we had stages where they were not allowed to visit (no other reason other than he was jealous of them).
When I visit (only a few times a year as I moved away), I am highly stressed and anxious and feel my children have to be on best behaviour to avoid setting him off.
They are both in their 70s now and in poor health so I feel guilty for not seeing them more, I usually try and see my mum alone but she comments that he’d love to see me etc and I feel obligated even though I really don’t want to!

Aww, sounds tough. But sounds like you should sit down and be honest with her. Could you do that?

I would tell her the truth that you find it’s very stressful and walk on eggshells when you visit in case something sets off your stepdads black moods.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Do you think your mother feels guilty re how her man has treated you, no not a bit of it. She chose her man above her kids and therefore you should be under no obligation to see her. You have good reason not to see her in any case.

Jus5 stop going, and calling. Iv3 seen my parents once in about 5 years and calls are about quarterly.