Hi there, first time on this site and looking to vent please. I met my partner in my early 40's. I have a child from a previous abusive relationship and he has a child from his marriage, which he was divorced several years before I met him.
Despite having a lifetime of life experience and a number of abusive relationships, I fell madly in love with him very quickly and believe he did with me. I couldn't believe a kind and loving man existed and I felt so lucky. He told me early on that he loved me and wanted to marry me and I told him the same. I was very frank and honest and said that if we are to progress with this that I do indeed want marriage and would expect he kept his word. He told me he would not like another child and these conversations were not ultimatums but rather open and honest conversations.
A year and a half later, I found out I was pregnant. He was devastated and it was an awful time. He said his child would be too jealous if i had the baby (his child almost at secondary school). He said he would stand by me but I could see how desperately unhappy he was so I had a termination which I regretted instantly and still weighs on my mind. I know so many couples who have babies with another partner and felt really unlucky that I received this reaction.
Life continued quite sadly for me but still never a proposal. About 10 months ago, he asked me what type of ring I would like. I said not one that would hurt him financially but I did some research with him and showed him (not an expensive ring). To me, this means a lead in time for a proposal but nothing since. I have broached the subject but he says he will propose when we are in a good place in our relationship.
Our parenting is so different. My child is very busy with clubs, activities and friends and his child games in our living space, complete with running commetary all day every day, when not at school, with no hobbies, exercise or friends and no real encouragement to do anything. I find this really really hard to have gaming on all day and sad that this is meant to be his child's childhood.
Feel really unhappy but love him still. We do talk and I'm an honest person but nothing changes really and we don't have any affection anymore which upsets me. I'm relatively still young, I have a nice job and good friends but feel if I left, I'll regret leaving. Thank you for reading