Adult siblings never in touch. How do you make peace with this?

[sellotape12]

I’m 38 weeks pregnant. Not one of my siblings has ever asked how I am. Or mentioned anything to do with the pregnancy. We’ve never been particularly close even though I have tried and tried in adulthood. If anyone had gone through the same matter, how do you build your village if you technically have siblings, but they’re sort of strangers?

I’m listening to all the mums in my new antenatal groups talking about how their sister visited the newborn/ or how big brother can’t wait to meet the baby for the cousins blah blah. I just feel sad like I’m missing out on something. I’ve often only felt like an only child and I don’t know how to respond to people’s reactions when I tell them yes I have siblings but we hardly know each other. One sibling is a bit of a recluse but fine my middle sister is I’m sorry to say, the epitome of selfish. She lives a life of excess, racking up debts, asking my elderly parents to help her out on childcare constantly, never taking care if her underlying issues. When I asked her through tears if she wouldn’t mind looking after my eldest while I’m in hospital with the C-section (rather than elderly parents) she replied “LOL sorry – going to Ibiza.”

I don’t know. I just feel sad.

Me and brother don’t talk, spent a few years trying to message him but never got a reply but he’s like it with everyone even my parents! I just made peace with it. Im not sure why you’d ask your sister knowing she was selfish; that was just setting yourself up to fail in all honesty.

But, OP, you say you're "not close". So why would they be in touch?
Make the most of your friends - these are the people we choose, whereas siblings are just people we're randomly stuck with!

That sounds tough. I always longed for a close family around me but don’t really have that. Over the years I’ve come to lower my expectations and build relationships with other people. For example I built relationships with good neighbours as I knew I wouldn’t have the kind of family where I could drop my kids off if I needed to go somewhere without them. It is hard and I feel for you, in my experience it does get better if you can accept things as they are and stop hoping for more.

Regardless of you being pregnant or not, @sellotape12 , if there is not a close relationship between you and your siblings based on what you described, I am not sure why your pregnancy would change that.

And besides, the harsh reality is that you are only causing yourself headache and sadness pondering this, you can't force people's affection. Simple as that.

My brother has always been useless at keeping in touch. He lives in Texas now and we never hear from here really except a few messages on the (very quiet) family watsapp. My sister (half sister) is much older than me and loathes my mum which makes things tricky. Since my Dad died we haven’t spoken much as she just laces into my Mum whenever we do.

I feel sad about both of these relationships but there isn’t much at this stage I can do to mend them.
I too feel jealous about other people’s good relationships with their siblings.

I see my sister once or twice a year at most. We are not close. I would never ask her to look after my kids. I created my own village of friends and other mums who I turn to over my family

My 3 siblings are all ok people but live far away and only 1 contacts me on a back and forward basis/ we text or ring about once a month. I text the others every 2 months or so, they usually reply, not always. Nearly never contact me. I send them Christmas cards and send their children birthday presents, they’ve never acknowledged any of my kids birthdays or ever ask about them. My parents are similar. I visit them about 3 times a year. The cousins know and are fond of each other.
To be fair they do put themselves out to see us, but the effort and instigation is me. I have just pushed past the feeling that it’s a 1 way street, I think all the cousins and me and my siblings are better off for me doing it, sometimes effort is unequal. I must sound overbearing but I’ve thought about this so often and I think I’m sensitive to not being where I’m not wanted.

For village I rely on in-laws who I’m very close to, I offer to help friends and neighbours so that if I need help I can ask (without expectation though!). Eg I stayed at a friends house for weekend to childcare whilst they went to wedding. DH is on a local football committee, I helped clean building last weekend. I volunteer in another club. We’ve moved house a lot in past and honestly it’s hard trying to build community again, it’s a work in progress. I am on the readers rota in church, I am on the PTA WhatsApp - none I want to do 😂 but I think we all have to put effort in and honestly see that some people put huge efforts in (only usually a few) into things that benefit us and the community as a whole and so crack on. I don’t have a lot of time, there are differences so I’m never going to be “from here”, I’m not a bubbly person, I’m a bit awkward and shy. I don’t have a lot of friends.

When I say I don’t have a lot of friends, I mean real friends. I like lots of people in these places but it’s the same when I’ve lived other places, known people, then moved and realised we were only situational friends.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You are not close with your siblings and your pregnancy changes nothing, it's not important to them.

You make your life what you want. You have to get out and develop connections and when you meet people you like, you nurture those connections with time and effort. Frankly, you're going to be too busy and exhausted for a while to do that and then a lot of time will be more kid centered. But you can still connect with other parents at nurseries and activities. And you need to have some time for you. If it's taking a class, going to the gym, doing an activity, volunteering, you need something besides being mom.

Wouldn't worry about it, am not close to mine either. Ive tried but got nothing back over the years so stopped being available. I like you, have always felt sad but nothing changes so stopped making myself miserable and started to live my life for me.

My sibling and I detest each other. Life has been easier since I accepted that we'll (hopefully) never need to be in touch again, since our parents are both dead... I find solace in that fact.

I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers and have/had the same dynamic. I tried for years to maintain relationships but it was one sided. Last year I posted in the family chat that I'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. One sister replied 'sorry to hear that'. After that not a single one of them has reached out to me or my teen/young adult children. They don't know if I'm even still alive. I have wonderful friends, inlaws, colleagues and neighbours. My siblings can do one.

Myself and my two siblings don’t really talk lucky if I see them once a year. We have never been close. It’s sad but probably more common than you realise. Stick close to people who love you xx

@MrTiddlesTheCat I’m so sorry to hear that. How awful I hope you have other amazing people in your life.