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Original poster

‘My money/your money/our money’

21 replies

petalsoft · 05/04/2026 12:33

DH and I have been together a long time.

I inherited some money about 10 years ago (when I was already with DH). Went towards buying a house, have some savings (not much but a bit) leftover.

I see this all as ‘ours’, and thought DH did too.

We’ve had some financial stress lately. In these conversations, DH started referring to his salary as ‘his money’, and my earnings (freelance) as ‘your money’. We have a joint account and pool everything, but I am surprised by this.

To me, we are married. Everything is shared. DH began claiming that the house and savings are mine as they came from my inheritance. I’ve never seen it like this - and tbh, not sure if he was just trying to win a debate.

How do others see it?

OP posts:
ShanghaiDiva · 05/04/2026 12:36

we are married and it’s all our money regardless of who earned it/inherited it.

Notmyreality · 05/04/2026 12:36

ShanghaiDiva · 05/04/2026 12:36

we are married and it’s all our money regardless of who earned it/inherited it.

Same.

TheChosenTwo · 05/04/2026 12:37

Dh and I have my money your money our money and it all ticks along just fine tbh although we don’t currently have any financial stress.
it would be mightily out of character for either of us to be shitty towards each other about money and if it happened I think we would each presume the other was stressed.

Original poster
petalsoft · 05/04/2026 12:40

@ShanghaiDiva @Notmyreality - I agree with you. I am unhappy that DH is saying this - I am not sure if he genuinely has always felt this way, or if he’s only saying it to make a point.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 05/04/2026 12:55

Are you actually married?

Original poster
petalsoft · 05/04/2026 13:00

Yes we are married (and have been for over 20 years!)

OP posts:
Notmyreality · 05/04/2026 13:03

petalsoft · 05/04/2026 12:40

@ShanghaiDiva @Notmyreality - I agree with you. I am unhappy that DH is saying this - I am not sure if he genuinely has always felt this way, or if he’s only saying it to make a point.

The question isn’t what other people do,
the question is why has he suddenly brought it up now after having joint finances since day one. You say you’ve had some financial stress. You need to have a conversation with him about that and how the true test of a team is when things get difficult. I would tell him you are disappointed in his comments
and remind him of what you did with the inheritance 10 yrs ago. And if he insists on separate finances tell him he owes you half.

Snorlaxo · 05/04/2026 14:52

Do you live in the UK? If so it’s both of yours.

In some countries pre-marital assets can belong to one person post marriage and you can buy a house in one person’s name post marriage too.

Could the “your house” thing be a dig about you choosing how the money was invested in the house? Or could he be bitter/embarrassed that he couldn’t pay 50% when the house investment happened? Either way Yanbu to be unimpressed by his attitude imo

MintoTime · 05/04/2026 15:03

@petalsoft have you asked him why he’s saying this now?

canklesmctacotits · 05/04/2026 15:12

Everything we came into the marriage with and everything we earn is joint. We’ve got everything, except what we need for a simple life, in trust for our children. They don’t know this and won’t until they’ve established themselves as adults and, probably, are parents themselves.

Inheritances are for the heir to decide: in my case it’s for our dc, in DH’s case it goes into the family pot. Which, given the above, amounts to the same thing.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 05/04/2026 15:34

petalsoft · 05/04/2026 12:33

DH and I have been together a long time.

I inherited some money about 10 years ago (when I was already with DH). Went towards buying a house, have some savings (not much but a bit) leftover.

I see this all as ‘ours’, and thought DH did too.

We’ve had some financial stress lately. In these conversations, DH started referring to his salary as ‘his money’, and my earnings (freelance) as ‘your money’. We have a joint account and pool everything, but I am surprised by this.

To me, we are married. Everything is shared. DH began claiming that the house and savings are mine as they came from my inheritance. I’ve never seen it like this - and tbh, not sure if he was just trying to win a debate.

How do others see it?

Without a bit of context its hard to judge.

If you were sitting planning finances, and given that he's employed and you're (precariously) freelance then I can see a conversation where income/earnings/money are used interchangeably. Sort of...
"My money will cover all of food, household bills etc, and your money can cover all the luxuries and holidays"

But if it's "I'll spend my money how I like without your input" then that's obviously a different thing.

As far as saying that the house is yours because it came from an inheritance to you then that seems reasonable in the context of "we could take out a mortgage, but i realise it's your house so you get to decide" in case there's any familial obligations to pass that inheritance on down her side of the family.

If it's in the context of "well at least you have your house when I run off with your younger sister" then obviously not so good.

Original poster
petalsoft · 05/04/2026 15:40

Yeah. Am fully aware if you are married, assets are (broadly) joint. He didn’t have any problem in us using my inheritance to buy a house…or if he did, he’s never mentioned it.

This came about because we had an unexpected expense that was DH’s fault. He kept saying ‘well, I will pay for it, so you have no need to worry’. My point was to him that income is income - it’s not like HE pays, instead WE pay!

That’s how this whole conversation came about - ‘but my salary is my money, not yours, so…’

I think he’s being a defensive dick tbh!

OP posts:
ChurpyBurd · 05/04/2026 15:46

I think he’s being a defensive dick tbh!

Yep.
My assumption would be that he's embarrassed about this penalty & is minimising the effect by compartmentalising your finances - if it didn't affect you, he needn't feel guilty.

But yeah, tell him to get over himself, you're a team, You've always been a team and losses are shared. So let's work out a way to get over it & move forward.

I hope it's nothing too terrible?

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/04/2026 15:48

Ah ok, your most recent post makes sense! He’s created an expense and trying to claim “he” will cover it? Yeah, he’s full of shit. You, same as me, have a totally joint financial picture so whatever you have to pay costs both of you. He knows that.

Original poster
petalsoft · 05/04/2026 15:56

Yep.

Nothing too terrible, but it’s just made me aware of how we frame things (or at least, how he’s trying to frame this on the back of his fuck up).

OP posts:
Original poster
petalsoft · 05/04/2026 16:02

And I said, ‘what? Because I thought we share our assets/savings and pool our earnings and pay bills/ make joint financial decisions on what we need as a family? So you saying that you will ‘pay’ for your mistake, and I have no need to worry, just means we have less money for us all?’

And he said ‘yes but it’s my choice to put my salary into the household pot - it’s still my money’.

He’s being a twat isn’t he?

OP posts:
Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/04/2026 16:05

petalsoft · 05/04/2026 16:02

And I said, ‘what? Because I thought we share our assets/savings and pool our earnings and pay bills/ make joint financial decisions on what we need as a family? So you saying that you will ‘pay’ for your mistake, and I have no need to worry, just means we have less money for us all?’

And he said ‘yes but it’s my choice to put my salary into the household pot - it’s still my money’.

He’s being a twat isn’t he?

Yep. Shame often does that to men. They become irrational, illogical dickheads.

hntr · 05/04/2026 16:09

We’ve always kept single money for me and DH separate and pay bills/food/holidays jointly from a joint account

Everything else is from our own personal accounts and we can help eachother if needed!

Personally I earn more but I have more expenses and control my money poorly, DH earns less but budgets better and has paid off his debt ☺️

moderate · 05/04/2026 22:48

Yes, he’s being a dick.

If I were you I would tell him that if he wants to set aside salary like that then he needs to pay rent to you for your greater share of the house. And quite a lot of back rent too. Or, he could just stop being a dick and admit that his fuckup affects you both.

2026Y · 06/04/2026 00:03

All ‘Our’ money (I work he doesn’t) although oddly (now I think about it) if I inherited money I would expect to basically decide what to do with it (although I’d definitely discuss it with him and take on his views).

Goonie1 · 06/04/2026 11:49

Me and EXH were always our money but then he suddenly talked about the small amount of savings we had being mine as it was gifted to me and a few other odd for him things being said in relation to money and what we would be able to afford on one wage if we had to sell the house etc. I thought it was strange at the time and just said don’t be silly, it’s ours, we’re married, a team etc etc. Turns out he was having an affair and now I think all of these things he was saying was seed planting and conditioning me as to how (he wanted) the finances would go during the divorce.

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