Unhappy marriage - and can’t talk about it

[Readingrollingstone]

Been with DH 25 years. Teen/young adult DC. We were very happy for the first 10 years, the past decade has brought a few more challenges…and the past 3 years have been hard.

He seems to be experiencing something of a midlife crisis. Worries about ageing, is becoming more and more grumpy. He will apologise for shitty behaviour and then nothing changes. I know I deserve better.

The problem is, I feel so unsupported. No family (only child, parents are dead). However, I do have a few very close female friends who are wonderful. Trouble is, I can’t seem to open up to them fully about what I am going through.

It’s odd because they are very open with me about their own struggles and marital problems. They are aware that my own marriage isn’t perfect but not how truly unhappy I am or how much I am struggling.

It’s like I can’t ‘admit it’ and I don’t know why. I’m usually a really open person. Anyone else relate to this?

Maybe if you admit some problems to them it will feel more "real" to you, that there is a problem. That may well be why you're not saying anything. Perhaps you're also seen as the stoic and capable one amongst your friends.

But you are correct in one important respect; you and in turn the DC here do deserve better. I would assume they know far more about the parlous state of your marriage than their dad certainly realises.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - thank you. I do need support but I cannot seem to ask for it.

Equally I am sure the kids know I am unhappy though probably not to what extent - I do a good job of hiding it. I know that’s dysfunctional.

Tbh I would expect to be able to talk to my husband about this stuff long before I could talk to my friends about it. I’d say that it’s quite difficult to tell from friends’ conversation who is having real sustained problems that threaten their marriage and who is just having a moan or a bad patch.

Im a broken record on MN this morning but really, the kind of conversation that could actually help is potentially with a therapist… but I also have a friend (still married) who has recommended the book Rapport .

It is ok to ask for support; women do not have to be seen as stoic and capable all of the time!.

Did you grow up hiding your feelings or did you feel you had to somehow caretake your late parents feelings?. Did you feel you had to put others first with your needs dead last?. Of course you do not need to answer any of those questions here but they are worth considering.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would assume your kids can pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken re their dad and you and perhaps worse still blame their own selves. Would you want your kids to be in and or remain in such a marriage?. No you would want better for them and it is ok to want better for yourself too. They probably wonder why you're still with him.

Would you be willing to see a counsellor on your own?. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Could you try some therapy to start with? Talking it over with a stranger in a confidential environment may just help you to realise what and why your holding back talking with your freinds.

When I wanted to leave my ex I was struggling with the shame a guilt of it, I saw a therapist and just her saying it's ok to feel how I felt without judgement was a massive relief.

I agree with a pp, as soon as you start talking about it to other people, it becomes 'real'. You will have people asking questions - what are you going to do about it, etc - that you might not feel able to answer and there will be an implicit pressure to 'do something'. Whereas at the moment you can occasionally turn a blind eye to how bad it is, as soon as you bring other people in with their opinions and advice, you might feel you are expected to have a plan.

I only really talked to friends/family about what was going on in my marriage after I decided it was over. They were hurt I didn't confide in them, tbh. But it was how I dealt with things.

I think it was partly because I didn't want to taint how they saw him/us if we stayed together, partly pride/shame, partly because I tend to be the listener in friendships.

It might be easier speaking to a counsellor or like a more long-distance friend to start with?

Thank you all. It’s weird, I have one friend in particular who is on the brink of divorce- she is very open and honest with me about all the problems. I know I’m an empathetic listener and good friend but I just can’t seem to be as honest with her. I guess I don’t know what it would solve tbh.

There was a fair amount of trauma and dysfunction in my relationship with my parents (a whole other thread). I don’t recall ‘hiding’ my feelings but I often had to go to my lovely friends for support as my parents didn’t support me. Maybe that primary relationship being fucked up is coming back to bite me now?

I am just not even sure where to start. Money is tight so therapy for myself tricky (I’ve had some in the past). Equally, DH refuses to go in terms of couples counselling or even for himself. I know no-one is perfect, but it does seem that most of the ‘issues’ in our marriage stem from him and his behaviour. He’s even admitted that…but doesn’t do anything to change.

Why would your H change when he has everything as he wants?.

Your parents did not support you as they should have done so it is no real surprise you are floundering re support for yourself now. You may well have internalised that you are somehow not worthy enough of being helped and or supported.

BACP may be helpful to you here and I think they offer a sliding scale of fees.

I don’t have any clever solutions. I think counselling could be the only safe space, but as you’ve already said you’re tight for money. Maybe there is some kind of support group you can find locally. Another option is people who are learning to do counselling have to find subjects to practice on, and the sessions would typically be free. So you could potentially find a local course and say you’re a willing subject for someone who wants to practice their therapy or counselling skills.

But as someone who spent yesterday feeling wound up into a knot after being at the whims of the grumpiness of my husband, I feel for you enormously. And I too don’t really speak about it.

Why not? I’ve reflected on this before and I think it’s multifaceted. Partly because he’s not always like that so I don’t want friends and family to hear me whingeing and feel sorry for me, all view is as some kind of intractable problem when I’m not even sure whether it is or isn’t. Partly because I feel if I go down this path it then becomes really real and I have to do something about it, and I’m unsure what I want to do about it. Partly because I don’t want to sabotage his image and reputation in the eyes of others, and potentially risk making others feel wary being around us and seeing something that might not be there that day. Your kids will always certainly notice, but they really won’t want to be part of it.

I swing wildly between thinking this is a man I want to be with forever versus I want to kick him into touch and be free of him as I can’t stand being subject to his irrational anger anymore. And I hasten to add my DH is never violent, and never threatens to be, so I never feel upset or frightened in that regard, but I do feel emotionally blackmailed and abused at times.

what I can say with absolute certainty is you are not alone and hopefully you can find solace in friends, hobbies and interests as I do that give you space and relief.

Another thing I do which I find helps is if my DH is being grumpy and angry I very calmly call him out on it and walk away. I won’t stick around, being in the same room, or engage with it.

I recognise this challenge and I wonder if to talk about it would make you feel like a failure and that you'd lost control.

Would journalling be helpful? Or writing it all out here?

The problem with talking to friends about this type of situation is that you know the situation is so serious they might suggest you leave. As others have said, that makes it more real. You don't sound as if you are ready to leave - and if you decide to stay that can have an affect on your friendships.
In your shoes, I'd talk to a counsellor.

No one is perfect. You will never find the perfect partner, nor be the perfect partner.
So be careful what you wish for.

I don't mean to put up with abuse or to live a miserable existance. But you are responsible for your own happiness.
Instigate happy times and influence your marriage into a direction that leaves you fulfilled, as much as you can.

To put up with a slightly less than perfect marriages so to hold together a secure home for your teenagers is a valid choice..

Treat each other with respect. If you separate in the years to come don't be hard on yourself.

@curious79 - are you me?! So much of your post resonates. Particularly the part about swinging between two things. One half of me looks at the life we’ve built, remembers the good times, and, even now, it’s not bad ALL the time.

The other half of me knows this isn’t good enough. It’s not how I (or anyone) deserves to be treated. And - while I KNOW things are never entirely one sided, I am not claiming to be perfect - I know I communicate like a respectful, calm adult. I don’t have random outbursts of temper, say hurtful things, or grump around the house - unlike him.

So I feel torn tbh.

I think it's probably because subconsciously you know that if you tell them how you feel, they will expect you to do something about it, and right now, you're not ready to leave him.

Fir example, people often know their partners are having affairs for example, but hold off from confronting them, because then they might have to leave, or the partner might leave and that's not necessarily what they want.

Your goal is to talk to your DH, but you might not feel able to get there straight away.

Take the plunge and tell a trusted friend. I've done that, and I'm a ruddy bloke.

If you can't face that, what about therapy? Easy to suggest, of course, but not everyone has the time or money.

You have a right to speak.

@Iamblossom

I recognise this challenge and I wonder if to talk about it would make you feel like a failure and that you'd lost control.

Nailed it

It’s curiously reassuring to see that you recognise your situation in mine. It has felt very lonely at points. Ours is the sort of marriage where if we did break up there would be a lot of accusation in my direction that it was me who had unnecessarily broken up a good thing. I know he would be vile too, but that isn’t what stops me moving in that direction. More that when it is good, it’s really good. As far as I can, and with distance from these moments, I calmly tell him what he’s being like. And increasingly in the moment I tell him what he’s being like too. I worry that with age he might get worse.

You are very insightful about your situation.

Your realisation that you would get a lot of the blame from people around you shows what a good job you have done projecting a good but not factual image of your relationship.

It's good that you are getting better at speaking your truth to him. If you do decide to leave you can point out all the times you have done this and he has made no effort to change his behaviour.

If it bothers you what people think or how they will react start pointing it out to them too when he behaves intolerably. You might find it's less of a surprise to them than you think. People aren't stupid, they probably know your marriage is flawed already, who's isn't? And they probably see him more clearly than you think they do

And it being good when it's good doesn't mean you deserve the treatment you get when it's bad.

Talking about it with friends makes it real and means you will feel you need to take action which can be scary. I agree with others who have recommended therapy, there you can open up about your feelings in a safe, non judgemental space and it will help you to be more open with your friends should you wish.
It's worth seeking out low cost counselling where you pay what you can afford. I kept quiet about the issues in my marriage as l didn't want to rock the boat but a final last straw meant l had to end it. Friends and family were shocked as l had hidden my feelings well but my young adult children weren't surprised. They always see more than you think.