AIBU to resent husband's comments about me changing since children

[Anothernightbitesthedust1]

AIBU to be really annoyed by husband's comments and attitude.
For context our incredibly happy and affectionate relationship has changed ten fold since having children. We don't argue, work well as a team and are not unhappy but we are definitely not affectionate like we used to be pre kids. Sex is usually a fortnightly routine thing with barely any cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc in between this time. A lot of the lack of affection is coming from me, I have no real explanation but it just doesn't come naturally to me anymore since I've had my two children (5+4yrs now).
Add on..... We do switch back to being a lot more like our past relationship when we have a day or two without the kids and go and do something lovely together. This is just very rare, maybe once a year or twice if lucky.
Also for context I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with my third which was a complete suprise as contraception was being taken and to be honest I'm really overwhelmed by this as well as absolutely exhausted, uncomfortably bloated 24/7, nauseous etc.
My husband yesterday moaned that we haven't had sex for almost 6 weeks and I said currently I just really don't want anyone near me, not just you, our kids included, I just don't want to be touched right now in any way. He continued to moan at me that I never do, I give no love or affection and asked if we are just friends now because what's the point etc etc.
He then continued today (all of this is whilst we are away on a short break as a family) by saying that I've completely changed since having children, I'm a whole different person and he's still the same person he was before.
True that I've changed but also definitely not true that he hasn't! But anyway basically it's all my fault which I really enjoyed hearing.
Since this conversation we have not spoken again.
AIBU to be really pissed off by this when I guess I have changed with my affection but two pregnancies, labours, full hormone changes, being a mum to two young children with very very poor sleep for 5 years, different priorities, a mental load that never drops and right now also being in the first trimester of pregnancy and terrified is surely enough to "change" anyone?!?

I agree we (mainly I) need to work on affection but I don't feel particularly supported and I think why I'm cross is because the main reason for all of his comments this weekend is because for 6 weeks (first trimester pregnancy symptoms) I haven't given him sex.

Of course you’ve changed, your life is totally different now. The problem would be if you hadn’t changed. Like he hasn’t. He hasn’t stepped up enough.

he sounds like an unsupportive sex pest. And, you don’t ’give him’ sex, otherwise that isn’t a partnership, you should enjoy it together.

Fucking weird that becoming a father didn’t change him… most people grow and change based on the chapter of life they are in… when I had loads more free time (pre kids) it was easier to be more generous with my time…

If you have changed and he hasn't, itll be because he isnt pulling his weight.

I knew this would be about sex. It always is. He managed to impregnate you for a third time, you are now ill and overworked and he’s moaning about sex instead of shouldering the burden with you. What a prince.

How is he otherwise? Present at home, engaged with the children and actively parenting them? Pulling his weight?

Yep your life has completely changed and I suspect his hasn’t changed at all which is embarrassing on his part tbh.

Perhaps he should do all the nights every night and be with the DC 24/7.

You tell him actually he isn't the same.. He's now a selfish moany arse.. And you feel swizzed marrying him.

Gonna be honest, if I pushed a child out of my nether regions I'd never let a man near me again. I dunno how everyone does it! I'd be like 'get that thing away from me!' lol. So I'm not remotely surprised you've gone off sex. But then that's just me xD

Even if you're all recovered, your priorities will have changed. And feeling touched out probably isn't uncommon if you've got young kids.

Sex is for mutual pleasure. I don't agree with the whole idea of maintainance sex. When the fun stops stop imo. But that being said, it might mean that this relationship ultimately has ran it's course. As most do at some point. Not the best timing with you pregnant again but in theory, if it looks like things might not last another three years, might be wise to get out now before you are too heavily pregnant.

And of course people will say 'oh leaving is a bit extreme' but look, if something as fundamental to most relationships as sex has stopped working for you both, then be real, it's probably over. The only question is if if you drag it out or not. Stuck there whilst it potentially gets worse because you have a new baby and are too tired to leave.

You work well as a team so, good, you can probably coparent successfully whilst apart.

I mean maybe things like couples therapy could help as it seems such a shame to split when you have kids but if the alternative is obligated sex and a miserable, moaning husband...I'd be off like a shot. Life is too short.

How long has he ever had sole care of the 2 DCs for?

Of course you’ve changed. Your whole life and physiology has changed. Some men, however, never seem phased by a family life because their biggest priority is, and always has been, their dick.

I’d tell him very coldly that yes, yes you have changed, and you won’t put up with his bullshit if he carries on with this line. So he needs to get with the programme or he can fuck the fuck off.

Whilst agreeing that it's not unreasonable to NOT want sex, particularly in early pregnancy, and that him moaning that you hardly have it is him behaving like a tosser, you do say that there is practically no affection, hugging or hand holding and that this is coming from your side.

I'd hate to be married to someone who poured all their love into our children and had no affection left for me. It sounds really sterile. And I'm a woman with children.

Parenting changes people; if doesn’t then you’re not doing it properly. Which seems the case with him as he seems to have shifted the majority of the parenting load onto you. He’s lucky you’re are still having sex with him as the sound of him gives me the ick. He needs to be less lazy and selfish. Having 3 children is a lot and there will be less places for him to hide

In my experience it is completely normal to not want so much sex or closeness with small children. However, it is also completely notmal for your husband to still want it. This is why so many marriages break up with small children.
I always had a lower sex drive than my DH and it got even worse after the kids. But for my husbands sake I powered through and kept up a regular routine of 2-3x a week. Tbf, i still wanted sex, but maybe once a week would have been fine and he would have wanted every day, so 2-3x a week seemed like a good compromise.
Our kids are bigger now (11 and 10) and my drive has come back a bit and we are almost back to normal. But i dont think our marriage would have survived if i had just cut him off completely and im really glad now that we made it through and we are closer than ever.

I think the depth of your feelings are revealed in your last sentence. Given him sex. You don’t give someone sex. You have sex with them.

so it’s clear you see it as a chore and don’t wish to have sex with him. I’d think is this really just the last 6 weeks, or have you felt like this much longer. Is it really just the pregnancy or have you been going through the motions and he is speaking some truth that something has shifted.

Did he want to become a father for the third time?

Some straight talking here. Does it ring true?

There’s no mention of a failed vasectomies or a split condom so lm assuming he’s not that fussed about not being a father for a 3rd time

There's a mention about contraception, though.
Pregnancy wasn't planned or expected.

But he's right, isn't he? You are absolutely prioritising your children - to the extent of having another one! Some of the things you list are understandable, but it sounds like he's right at the bottom of your list, and you don't even like him much. It's not just about sex, and he's probably realised that you just don't care about him any more. You need some time together without the children.

Ignore his comments , he’s thinking with his penis. No matter what you’ve been through, he’ll always think with his penis.
Personally, I think just force yourself to be a tiny bit more affectionate. I had to do this in my own relationship and it helped. Also when you do decide you want to have sex, force yourself to cuddle him and kiss him. I know it’s hard and I say that from personal experience.

Crikey, some of these responses are the absolute opposite of what I would want for my teenage daughters. I would hope that they NEVER have sex unless they want it.

Obligatory sex.... give him sex.... christ 🤢
I don't know what the answer is op but I would be strongly considering an abortion, sounds like the straw that's breaking your back.

Go to your Doctor and explain what has happened. You sound depressed but yet love your husband. He sounds confused, unhappy and like all men will say the wrong things at the wrong time when he does not know what to do. You said you know you BOTH can cuddle time when given time out. Is there any chance you can get someone to look after your children to do this. Do not give up on him and you. You both seriously need a weekend at least date time.

Finally someone with a balanced view. Children make a family not a relationship you both need to work at your intimacy issues if you want to save your marriage.

It's called being touched out. You've likely spent so much of your day with the children that you just want a bit of space by the end of it, and not another person demanding things of you.

How can he get what he wants? He needs to step up with the kids, so it's not always you on the hook for their needs, so you have the space to start to want to touch and be touched again.

And I know someone will pop up and say that it sounds like I don't enjoy being a mother - of course I do, my kids are brilliant, but I really need some time to myself sometimes. I just need a bit of time with my own thoughts, with no-one touching me or asking me for things - children or partner.