I’m 52, married 24 years with four children (16–23). After discovering my husband’s six-year affair with a work colleague three years ago, revealed through a chance discovery, we’ve been in repair phase trying to find a way to build a new chapter together.
A lack of emotional connection (not enough sex for him and not feeling that he makes me happy) was the driver for the affair. He said he had wanted to end the affair after a couple of years but felt unable to face the fallout, especially the effect on our children. The revelation floored me; I had no idea he was leading a double life and the scale of the deception has been hard to process. The level of deceit and exceptional skills for lying was something I’d never have believed would exist in him. I trusted him implicitly.
I also discovered that many of his family members and close friends knew about the affair months before I did. I’ve tried to contain the fallout, telling only a couple of trusted friends and shielding our children but it’s left me feeling inauthentic, like I’m observing a life I never chose (and the worry that at some point the truth will be out and everyone will then know, which could be worse). Until now I have suppressed questions and truth seeking, carrying on stoically, while internally trying to process and eventually make peace with what’s happened.
Our marriage has always been respectful, considerate and steady, with typical ups and downs but nothing major. But now I’m reflecting on our relationship and what may have been missing, seeing everything in perspective, analysing how our relationship was stacked up and triggering the need for this affair.
Now, I feel stuck, unsure how to shape our future. We love each other, but something has always felt absent, as if we never reached that deeper level that makes a relationship truly exceptional. But relationships are not like Disney movies in reality – they need work, I appreciate this relationship could be fantastic if we worked hard. But how is this realistically done? If that isn’t possible, should we just accept this is the best level we can achieve? People have much harder, difficult and painful lives than what we currently have. We should feel grateful for the chance to repair and appreciate the family unit we have?
He’s been dealing with significant work-related stress and anxiety for several years, so we haven’t yet started regular therapy as he doesn’t feel he’s well enough to tackle this right now. Keeping the job and providing for the family is his priority. For now, we’re coasting, focused on keeping the family running smoothly, which we do well. I am absolutely certain that any contact with the affair partner ended 2 years ago and I’m sure that he would never embark on another affair whilst married to me.
Eighteen months after discovering the affair, I had a serious medical event and was lucky to survive. It sharpened my sense that I need to honour my life and purpose. With my parents gone and no family beyond my husband’s, the weight of this journey feels huge.
I’m financially independent and believe I have the strength to build a new life if needed. But I feel lost, unable to move forward with clarity or decide which direction to take. Living in this limbo is exhausting, ground hog day never ending.
How do I find the lucidity and confidence to shape the second half of my life? Is counselling (which type?) the answer using it to honestly confront what needs work for couples therapy to brutally expose the areas to work on or appreciate that we should respectfully decouple or fashion a different type of marriage?
For those who’ve been through something similar, I’d really value learning what skills, frameworks, philosophies, or (radical) constructive approaches that have helped you. I don’t want to walk away based solely on the magnitude of the infidelity without first exploring whether the relationship can be meaningfully rebuilt and reshaped.
Thank you for reading.