How did you cope with seeing your husband during separation?

[Palefireshade]

Has anyone been through a separation where you still had to see your husband regularly to sort out the house, belongings, etc.?

I’m finding it really hard. It’s only been a few weeks since he left and I am generally fine day to day but every time I see him it completely sets me back. I’m upset, unsettled, and like I’m back at day one again. When I don’t see him, I actually start to feel a bit calmer and more like myself.

We still have things to sort (house sale, all his belongings, practical bits, DIY), so avoiding him completely isn’t easy, but I’m struggling with how much it affects me emotionally.

How did you handle this stage? Do I just need to push through?

I’d really appreciate hearing how others managed this without feeling like they were constantly reopening the wound.

edited to add: he left a few weeks ago after being caught having an affair that had ended.

Following as in a similar situation, compounded by him wanting to remind me that this is still half his house and coming round to 'see the children' (19 and 16 yrs) every other day.

He left after an emotional affair and episode of domestic abuse, and sees himself as the victim.

It's like picking a scab. It's been 2 months since he left and I haven't even started processing things emotionally, not least because he keeps getting inside my head with daily emails/threats to start divorce proceedings.

A separation is hard for relationships. But over time it gets better with clarity. Guilt can be overcome but only with acknowledgment, that you did everything you could to save the relationship.

Oh dear, mine isn’t as bad as this and we don’t have kids to contend with. I’m guessing that makes things extra difficult. Mine finds a reason every few days that he needs to come to the house for - DIY to get the house ready to sell etc. When he’s here we chat like normal and he makes me a coffee etc.

I’m finding this hard as before he left he wouldn’t do anything around the house, barely spoke to me etc. I feel like after the way he has treated me he shouldn’t get access to me. In some ways it seems like he might be doing all this to absolve him of his guilt? As if he can say “we have separated but are still friendly” rather than “we have separated and don’t speak because I had an affair”.

I have tried to be cold but civil and only talk about the practicalities of separating but I find this hard as it’s not in my nature to be like this and I do still love him. I guess I wondered if it was childish(?) or unreasonable to say can we keep contact to a minimum because it’s hurting me.

Don’t be there. Or stop engaging with him. He is not your bestie. Tell him you want to move on and don’t want to see him. Tell him to identify what work needs doing and to get it over and done with. Put the house on the market - it doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect - at least get the ball rolling.

It's not childish, it's self-preservation.

Why should you have to pretend everything's OK when actually you're really hurt? It benefits him only because he gets to soothe his own conscience at your expense. I think you're absolutely on the money as to why he's doing this.

Whose voice in your head is it telling you it's childish or unreasonable?

He is likely to say something along the lines of “I thought we could deal with this like adults”. It will be hugely important to him that his image isn’t tarnished in this. He will want to be able to say that it is amicable.

That's exactly why he's doing it, so that he can convince himself that it's an amicable split rather than face the truth that he behaved like a shit and betrayed you.

My ex was here yesterday telling me that lodging with a friend isn't helping him move on and isn't good for his self-esteem. My thoughts were that you emailing and coming round all the time aren't helping you move on and your situation is a direct result of the decisions you made and actions you took, no-one else's. I am trying desperately hard not to rock the boat as I want to let the dust settle and avoid acrimony/possibly selling the house when the children are of an age where they need a stable base to launch from not a load more upheaval.

In your position, I would tell him that it's too painful being around someone who treated you as he did and make arrangements to be out. Communicate About practical things via email. And remind yourself that it will be over one day.

But you are dealing with it like an adult
No same adult wants to keep seeing someone to betrayed a very fundamental trust. He means, I thought we could pretend that my affair didn't happen and that you have no feelings.

So it's his voice. Thought so

The absolute joy of splitting up with someone is you don't have to listen to them anymore!

You don't have to behave the way he wants you to. You don't have to pretend to be friends. You don't have to pretend to be OK.

I'm not advocating causing a scene all the time, but do what you need to do to protect yourself.

He's already had things his way. Have them yours now.

He can say whatever he wants, but you’ve got a voice too? If he wanted to be amicable and not “tarnish his image”, fucking someone else was probably a bad move? He’s an idiot and you need to tell him. “Nigel, to be clear, I am not your friend. I stopped being your friend when you stuck your dick somewhere else. I don’t want a coffee, I want you out of my life, I have zero time for losers”. Rinse and repeat.
And as for other people, I wouldn’t go into the sordid details but I would say he couldn’t keep it in his pants, so you ditched him.
The truth is, somewhere in him he knows his behaviour is despicable and he’s looking to you to make it all better for him. Fuck that. He made the choices, he can own them.

’I thought we could deal with this like adults’.

’sorry Barry but please don’t make me laugh! you were sneaking around like a teenage boy in shorts having a cigarette and snogging his best mates girlfriend behind the bike shed. YOU did not behave like an adult. Your behaviour was grim and pathetic. So please do not make me laugh by implying i am not being mature when I’d prefer not to have coffee with a liar.’.

Cheats have no place lecturing on immature behaviour.

He had three choices if he was ‘unhappy’ (and usually they are happy but cake eating.

1. speak and resolve your marriage (counselling/books/talking).

2. speak and divoce.

3. put up and shut up.

4. chose to be a cheaty McCheaterson. Not a great choice. And it means some people WILL lose respect for him. It is inevitable. He knows this hence he’s trying to show he’s the Good Guy.

I will no longer engage a tradesman I know as he cheated - if he’s prepared to lie to his wife for his own gain, I know he’s prepared to lie in business. I don’t want him in my house. I doubt I’m the only person who feels this way. Yes others may also be cheats but I know this tradesman is 100% a liar so I won’t use him. Same goes for a business associate - I don’t refer clients to him, I know he’s a long term liar to his spouse. I know a few male colleagues who feel the same. So it’s not just me.

You cheat and people lose respect for you. Your image is tarnished. It comes with the territory. Of course some people will think he’s the big man who’s just very irresistible, and some will feel it’s none of their business, but betrayal is an unnecessary choice (it’s in the final circle of Dante’s inferno for a reason - the ultimate betrayal of love and trust). It shows lack of will power and poor choices at best and malice and an abuser at worst.

He is arguing that he is just trying to do his share of the work (I.e. getting the house ready to sell), despite having given the absolute bare minimum input into anything house related for the past 20 years. I’m furious that he is capable of putting all this effort in now but where was it when we were together!

Agree with the others- either don’t let him in or don’t be there when he comes. If he’s moved out the house is your space now- it doesn’t matter if he still owns it, he doesn’t get the right to make a coffee in your kitchen.

I remember when I was going through the same it all came to a head when he casually started watering the plants in the kitchen. I shouted at him they were my plants and it was my kitchen and threw him out!

He is trying to prove either to himself or to you that this is all amicable- but if it doesn’t work for you then don’t let him.

You need to think about you, what he's put your through and what you need. Which sounds like not being there when he is and trying to reframe your anger at him doing no DIY when you were together into 'him doing this now will translate into an easier house sale/higher price' which is good for me going forward'.

Not easy, I do understand.

Could it be that he is all about the money. It’s possible that now doing the work will impact on the money he will have in his pocket. Previously spending money on the house impacted him in a negative way as it meant less money in his pocket.

It’s not really about fair input it’s about maximum outcome (for him).

“No Nigel, I don’t need you to paint walls/fix shit/hang pictures. I am perfectly capable of all those things. I had to be, since you never bothered, probably because you were too busy shagging anything that moved. We both know exactly who and what you are. Fuck off out of my space, I will let you know when the house sells. From now on, contact me only via my solicitor”.

Don't play amicable if you don't feel it. You're upset. His coming over so often is upsetting you and you need to tell him that. It's time to set boundaries. He can come over a couple more times to do the work necessary and you will not be there at those times. But he doesn't live there anymore, the marriage is ending because he had an affair and stop sitting down with him for fucking coffee. Stop any pretense.

He doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable, look bad in front of others or take responsibility for his own actions. So he would prefer it if you would, once again, shrink yourself and hide your inconvenient distress to preserve his feelings.
And, in order to pressure you into behaving the way that suits him, he is portraying your understandable hurt as “not adult”. You can be an adult who is very hurt. You can be an adult who refuses to minimise what he has done to you. His inability to cope with your hurt is the actual immaturity in this scenario.

So even when he has an affair, gets caught and leaves, he still gets to control how you behave during the separation? Fuck that shit.

Start putting yourself first. Play the long game. I would be tempted to play nice for the time being but only if it helps you.

Get the house sold, get the divorce done, get your share of everything as quickly as possible. Then tell the fucker to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there, he can fuck off some more. A true MN classic sentiment.

I'm in the same position @Palefireshadeand I hate it. Don't feel i can relax in my own home, which of course is technically still half his, as I never know when he's going to appear to see the kids or paint a bloody wall. @FairyMaclaryhas it spot on, it's all about the money,for mine anyway, he just wants to maximise the sales price

How are you doing @Palefireshade?

I told him! I said it would be easier for me if we could maintain some distance and he said he will respect that! I did wonder if he’d start with “well it’s my house too” type of stuff, but I’m guessing his guilt at how he’s treated me is making him agree to whatever I want for now.

It means I am having to deal with everything largely on my own but I think that will be better than him
hanging around pretending to be my friend.

how are you doing?

Oh that sounds very positive! Well done! Mine very much feels aggrieved to be out of the house and I think it's a control thing to drop in and out...he does nothing of any use when he's here, normally just picks fault with stuff. Exhausting!