Should I rent nearby for my son or move back home?

[Twiddlydeee]

Hi all, wasn't sure where to post this, but I've got myself in a right pickle. Bit of backstory, me and DP together 10 years, pretty stable relationship up until I had our first and only DS in August 2023. He really wasn't supportive postpartum when I struggled with post partum anxiety. It got the point we split and he bought me out of our mortgage and I bought my own place closer to my mum around half hour away. A few months into living there, DP grovelled and done a lot of explaining of where he thinks he went wrong with us and how much he regretted it. I ended up moving back in with him and putting my house up for sale. The house has been up for sale months, 2 offers accepted but their mortgages fell through so I'm back to square one with that.

We've ended up pretty back where we were, he's so dismissive of me and just lazy. He dismisses my feelings, I have a lot of health stuff going on and he tells me he's sick of hearing about it. Tells me my anxiety is a massive problem and I 'need to change'. He's a very hard headed, stubborn man and I've just realised how different we are as people. We disagree on almost everything. Everything he does the last few months gives me the ick, and we've ended up agreeing to separate. He's rude around my family and makes no effort with him, my mum constantly sees how exhausted I am from carrying everything with my DS who is also autistic. I've done all the leg work with getting support in place for him.

Now the issue I have is I'm living in the house DP owns, my house is sat there empty and up for sale. But if I were to move back there, DS is currently in nursery right next to our current home and I have applied for school here for him to start in September. He's had an iscan referral put in to get his diagnosis, his whole support network in the respect, is here. If I move back to the house I own I know how badly this will disrupt his routine and the schools in the area I bought my house are not half as good as the ones around here (I know this through all my friends in my hometown). I was considering waiting for that house to sell and just renting near DP so co parenting is easier. I can't buy a house here as they're double the price and way past my affordability unfortunately. I just feel so stuck and don't know what is best to do. It's half hour away but wouldn't want him going to school here but living half hour away from friends etc. I know going from owning to renting seems backwards but the house I own has had several issues crop up, and I know if I move there I'm not gonna have the money down the line to sort it all out as it's such an old house. Not sure of the point of this post, I needed to vent. I'm just annoyed for myself that I'm back in this position, and just trying to do what's best for me very routine-orientated DS.

Your post is a little confusing. Your son won't be starting school this year so you won't have applied for a school place for him yet unless you mean a nursery place? Worrying about the schools not being good enough where your house is seems like a deflection of the real problem of living with a man who is hard, stubborn, lazy, abusive and dismissive.

Given he's not changed and your child has had a lot of upheaval I would be moving back asap into your house near your support network and getting everything in place before he is old enough to start school.

He turns 3 in August so will be starting school in September, just for 3 hours a day until the January where he will be full time. His place will be confirmed in May. He has someone visiting once a week to support his speech and inclusion officers who visit nursery and have put the referral in to the neurodevelopmental team. From what I understand I would have to start this process again as the other area falls under a different health board. I'm just worried about losing the support in place as they are arranging a meeting when his school place is confirmed to discuss his needs with them ahead of time. So I guess I'm just nervous of not getting that same support if I move back to the other house. My post is confusing reading it back.

Move back to the home you own where your mum can support you. Once you and your DS are away from this abusive relationship you can think clearly about where you want to live longer term and where you want him to go to school. If you then want to sell and buy elsewhere you can. The offers show your house is saleable.
Most women’s don’t have a home to go to and their options are limited. Yours are not. Get your son out of this environment then think about next steps.

There is no way I'd be selling a house to end up renting. Make the move back home now. Yes it won't be easy having to sort out a new school but it will be a lot easier now than a few years down the line. You need to get back close to your mum.
You can always move within that area later, you will still have a house to sell.

Take your house off the market and move back in with your son. Find another school.

Are you sure he is starting school? My DS was born in summer 2022 and he is starting in September. The youngest in his class will be born in August 2022. Or maybe it was a typo?

Can you afford anything in that area even if smaller? Is the area your house in, a different county? As this would affect his ASD referral but maybe not if just a different area?

Can you afford to live in that area long term? As if not you may as well move now.

That's pre school, not school, but that's splitting hairs.

Can you rent your house out and use the rent to cover rent in a property near your son's school?

Surely now is the best time to move before he actually starts? I don't see what other options you have given what you said about not being able to buy in your current area. Surely this means rents are also high?

In your place, I would move bsck immediately and put all my energy into finding him the best pre-school placement with appropriate support.

Definitely move now.

You won't really know how good or bad the schools are for your DS until he starts, and you have lots of time to find out if he's not three until September. You could perfectly well start him at the school where you planned, and find you didn't like it for him and changed your mind (that's partly what the three days of preschool are for, right?).

Your support network of your mum and friends is much more important. And your DS's routine is going to change anyway when he goes from nursery to pre-school.

Half an hour away for co-parenting is totally doable. I would also worry if you are, as it were, on your ex-P's 'turf' because you chose to rent near him, it would give him an out to be even more lazy. He'll barely register you've moved out and will expect you doing everything, and it'll be harder to put your foot down and say no.

I understand your concern about nursery/school and the support plan in place, but first and foremost you and DS need to be happy and settled. It can’t be good for DS to be living among all this tension. Move back to your old house. Even take it off the market if you need to until you decide on a plan.

In UK they start school from September after they are 4 it is nursery or pre school they will be attending from 3

your house not selling is a huge bonus!! Sorting out nursery and school is far easier than splitting and find a new place again in a year or two (or worse even longer).

You left, he said he changed and within 2 months has shown he hasnt. This is him on his best behaviour. Get back to your house and work on co parenting.

Definitely move back. You are vulnerable where you are and have security in your own house.

He messed up. He can put the legwork in. It's not like you're moving hours away.

Your DS emotional and developmental foundations will significantly be determined by your own emotional status. Decide where you are best supported socially and emotionally. Your life is challenged with your DS needs and an abusive xDP - so you need refuelling with your own oxygen mask first before you can do the best for your DS sustainably. Which environment gives you a calm and peaceful home and a refreshing and fulfilling social life?

Don’t worry about the stuff needing doing to the house. Get back there get settled take lots of time to heal and rebuild with social and family support. Don’t worry about the issues with the house right now. Get a roof over your head for emotional safety. You can revisit if you want to move from that house to another down the line or do the repairs. You need yourself and your DC out that abusive polluting environment asap

That's a tough one. Have you been given any indication as to how long it will take to get his diagnosis and school support needs confirmed? If it's not that long, I think it may be best to stick it out where you are (as long as you're safe) until that comes through, then move back to the house you own. (It's my understanding that it's slightly easier to move areas once one area has confirmed that a child has additional needs, but that could be dependant on area.) If it's a 'how long is a piece of string' answer in terms of diagnosis and support, then move back into your house now. Your child is very young, hasn't started school and it will have less impact moving now than waiting a few years.

I would decide about the area you want/afford to be in. Also look at schools and decide which are best for your child’s needs. Could you buy a smaller home in a different area if needed. Temporarily I would move out and make it permanent and go back to your house. I would drive to nursery but make a change for when he starts school unless you can find what you need for September.

Your’re in Wales from the school start age?
move back to the house you own, your son is very young and you have your mum to hand.

I'm afraid I would bite the bullet and change the school applications, medical referral etc all back to the area where you own your property. I suspect, if you push this down the line your ex, who sounds hideous, will use it all to control you by blocking any attempts you make to move to where you have support.

Move back to your home. Dont rent.

Move back home into your own place, hes too young to be disrupted at the moment.
Having your mum around will be invaluable as a support network as he gets older

Move back home. You’re not getting anything from the relationship and it’s damaging you all. There’s no long term future with your dp.

Move back to your own house, nearer to your Mum and the support network.
Keep your son in the Nursery /SEN system where he is for now, which you can continue to use his Dad's address for.
There is always a way round problems, you just have to look for it.

Could you buy a two or 1 bedroom flat where you are now?

Selling your own home to start renting is crazy. I understand all the work you’ve done getting support for DS in place, I know how hard that is. You’ve done it once, you can do it again. Now is the right time to move though, he’s still very little.