How can I raise my husband's drop in hygiene sensitively?

[Ginny1980]

Hi everyone im after some advice on how to approach a situation without hurting the person's feelings. Ive noticed for a few months that my DH standards of hygiene have taken a massive drop, not changing clothes regularly, showering once or twice a week and not visiting the barber for a haircut often , ive asked if he is feeling ok or has he something on his mind etc he says everything is fine so I dont understand why he has changed so much as he has always been such a smart guy who took care of his appearance. I would also be heartbroken if I knew that other people were saying unkind things about him as he really does look scruffy and I hate saying that.

How do I tackle this situation? The last thing I want to do is upset him .

My dh is usually clean but can be a bit sweaty when he comes home for work so I will tell him straight you need to get in shower as you pong.

How do you normally have sensitive and difficult conversations? That tends to be unique to individual relationships.

My advice would be to go in with concern and being direct and very specifically what the issues are and suggested change might be but we tend to be quite direct with feedback.

I think you need to ask him directly but sensitively (i am assuming here when you previously asked him if he’s ok, you didn’t link it to the hygiene stuff) - “hey DH, I’ve noticed that you are only showering once or twice a week now - I’m worried this is because you are feeling low or unwell in some way. What has happened to prompt this change?”

Please do tackle it.
My SIL is grotty cow, she Showers fortnightly and clean (ish) clothing every 10 days or so.
Her DH is equally grim.
We last visited 4 years ago. The stench coming off them puts me off visiting

Husband you stink and you need an haircut usually works in our house. I also tell my kids! If i don't do it someone will and i'd prefer it was me.

I don’t think you need to be ‘sensitive’. ‘You need a shower and a change of clothes you dirty git‘ should be enough.

Well, if you can’t tell your own husband that he’s not very clean … who can tell him?

it’s disgusting to shower once a week and, with my husband, I’d be telling him that. Not in a horrible nasty way but in a ‘ you’ve told me there’s nothing going on with you right now so I have to be blunt and tell you that you showering only once or twice a week is pretty unpleasant , along with you not changing your clothes. Can you sort that out ?’ kinda way.

just tell him. You’re married to the bloke. No way would I be all feathery strokey about it - he needs to be told before everyone else steers clear of him

Being unclear here is being unkind. He looks and smells bad. People will be avoiding him.

Brad, you've gotten to where you don't shower enough and you smell bad. You need to step up the hygiene and shower and change your clothes more often.

I know you say you've asked and he's denied not feeling ok, but this personal neglect is a classic sign of depression. I'd be bringing this up too. Is he withdrawing from social activities or sports? Or is he a bit more irritable than his norm?

I think this would need a “delicate” conversation if it was a good friend. But close family?? You would just tell them - “you really need to have a daily shower”.

Darling, I keep noticing that you don't look as smart as you used to. You used to take really good care of your hair and nails , but tbh they look a bit scruffy these days. Body and face-wise you are as gorgeous as ever so it's nor structural, just the way you present yourself. Any chance you could smarten up? '

'What happened to prompt this change' makes her sound more like a therapist than a wife!

How old is DH? Is there any other change in his general functioning?
I hear you on the etiquette problem, but to suddenly stop caring about hygiene can be a red flag for some sort of medical or cognitive issue. It’s worth treating this like a physical symptom, like a cough or a limp. I would try to get him in to the GP on some sort of benign issue, alert the GP in advance, and let them take it from there.

Yes who talks like that?!

‘are you getting a shower today?’
’no’
’why not?’
’don’t feel like it’
’well you don’t smell great ha ha people will start talking’

You stink and you can’t come to bed until you shower. Wash everything twice.

after a patch of this I also had to deep clean DH’s sweaters as we realized he’d fixed the hygiene but the stank had gotten into them so they put it back on him even after a wash

Unless he's depressed, does anyone else feel like they shouldn't have to tell another adult they need to wash?

I get that you're being forced into it.

Look on the bright side. He’s not having an affair.

Just tell him. I tell my husband to go take a shower or wash his feet when he very occasionally goes nose blind.