The pressure to have a relationship to 'fit in'?

[IsThereATermForThis]

Hi everyone,

Long-time reader and occasional poster here. I like hearing from other people's perspectives and I'd genuinely be interested to hear whether this is just a 'me' thing, or whether anyone else can relate to it or has related to it in the past.

So, a bit about myself. I'm in my early 30s, but I've never had a relationship. I was always very shy during school, and unfortunately, went through some very tough times in my 20s (health-related issues and caring responsibilities for a disabled parent), so it's just never happened for me up to now.

For the last few years, this has been something that has often got me down. Seeing so many of my peers further on in life with relationships, getting married, having kids etc has often made me feel like the odd one out.

I'm currently in therapy, and have recently been reflecting on this and have come to the conclusion that the main reason that I've felt like I wanted a relationship previously wasn't so much so that I could experience that, but just so that I fit in with society more where that is deemed the norm.

I fear people's judgment if they knew that I've never had a relationship. I fear that people would think I was odd, or that there was something 'wrong' with me in some way. I know my parents worry about me in terms of what life will be like for me if I never meet someone, and I do feel bad knowing that they probably won't get to be grandparents.

But I know none of these are good enough reasons to enter a relationship, particularly when deep down, it's probably not for me. Having been so used to being on my own all these years, I think I'd struggle in a relationship. I don't particularly like meeting new people, and despite being straight and having felt attraction to people before, I'm not motivated by intimacy. I don't particularly want to have kids, either. I feel that saying of 'you can't miss what you've never experienced' is very accurate.

Saying all this, I consider myself neurotypical and have a good number of friends, all of whom are either in long term relationships, engaged or married already. And I feel what I can only describe as the pressure to do the same quite acutely. But all I really want is to prioritise my own happiness through other ways, rather than relying on someone else to provide that.

I don't know if any of this makes sense or if anyone will reply. But as I said to start with, I'd be interested to hear if this resonates with anyone at all. Or if you previously felt like this, and something changed your mindset?

Fit in with what though?

A fling, FWB or affair?
An unhappy marriage?
Someone you "settled" for (or feeling like you were the one they settled for?)
Being with the same person for 60 years+?
Married? Or just cohabiting?
Full shared finances or separate?
Second time rounds with step kids and families and possibly more baggage than normal?
Child free, child less or child/ren?
Etc etc. There is no typical relationship and you never know what is happening behind closed doors.

Or are you literally just describing the wish of having a second person in your life so you aren't the dreaded "single" person, regardless of how that actually manifests?

Also, you comment on feeling "judged".

Honestly, nobody gives a shit about other people (unless they are severely lacking in their own life). We're all just trying to get on with our day as best we can. I mean, how often do you sit round judging people you know?

I’m 35, been single 7 years. I have had 2 shortish relationships but I’ve been single most of my life.

I’ve never truly felt the pressure to have a relationship (my sociologist side probably heavily influences that). But what you describe is normal: You are just experiencing what happens when societal expectations and norms don’t match up with your own desires. This is more common than you may think and lots of people end up ignoring their true feelings and go along with convention. It’s an easy well trodden path of least resistance in many cases. When everyone around is you is following the same script it reinforces that it’s the ‘only’ one. But it isn’t, not at all.

Ultimately, there will be people who judge, of course there will be- people judge everything under sun - especially any deviation from social norms. It’s silly to claim otherwise. But do those judgments from irrelevant people even matter?

If you genuinely don’t want that for yourself, maybe try find some new connections and communities which reflect that side to your life a bit more. Could he anything, ‘child free’ fb groups, solo travellers groups. Just something where the focus isn’t solely on relationships and kids.

I don’t think there’s the same pressure now as there was years ago to be in a relationship. So many of my friends are single by choice and have opted out. They lead good fulfilling lives and a man would likely mean compromising that. Some have occasional ONS or FWB but most don’t.
With the awful quality of single men who are often utterly incapable of adding to your life, it’s not difficult to see why intelligent women are choosing to be single, and some choose to be child free.
Do whatever works for you and makes you happy.

I don't think there's any pressure nowadays. Years ago there was plenty. I've been single, married, married and single. I prefer single any time and why would you be married and miserable? Do your own thing. Be happy in yourself.

You sound sensible and grounded, you know a relationship is not for you and I see that as totally acceptable and for the right reasons. As we would say up North "sounds like you have your head screwed on" You do you and don't doubt yourself. 💕

I think some people do actually have happy, healthy relationships! Being some version of miserable isn't the only option.

You might do in the future. You might not. Some people have lots of relationships but never find love. I genuinely do not know anyone consistently happy, or settled. There's ups and downs being single, or in a relationship. The older I get the more I realise there is no 'normal' and it truly is the relationship you have with yourself that's the most important.

Thank you for the kind responses.

I suppose sometimes I just get in my head about this too much, because I still suspect that most people's reaction to hearing that someone like me has never had a relationship by this age as "well, that's a bit weird/odd". I am very aware I am a statistical anomaly, and people can be very judgemental, after all!

Society has this way of making people feel like a failure if they don't confine to the 'normal' thing of relationships, marriage, kids, etc, or there's an expectation of you to be on your way with all that. There's a part of me that wishes that life had turned out slightly different, but I don't think me starting a relationship with someone just because it's what's expected would be doing it for the right reasons.

I guess I'm still trying to find a way to care less about what people may think about me, and find happiness in other ways.

I just wanted to say that I completely understand where you are coming from. I eventually met my other half when I was 34 and we now also have 2 young children. As soon as I was deemed as being ‘settled in a long term relationship’ a lot of people’s attitudes towards me shifted