Facing 2nd divorce at 45

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

This is my second marriage. I married young at 20 and divorced at 29 with no kids.
Married the love of my life at 31 and had two gorgeous boys.
As some of you know, our marriage hasn't been easy. Our kids are autistic and needed a lot when younger so whilst we both had great careers, one of us needed to be home and he didn't want it to be him. It's my biggest regret in everything that I gave up work 10 years ago.
His whole world was work, its where he had his friends and got his cup filled. He travelled often and I was home with 2 kids less 19 months apart and no support around. Even when he was home it was at the point that he would be sitting at the dinner table with us talking to work.
Through all this I worked on gaining a degree.
2 years ago he had an affair. He had an affair. It broke me. He said I was never happy (later reflected on his part in that). I eventually told him to leave, a few days later he wanted to come back.
We'd been making a good go of it. I occasionally had wobbles when I was triggered or old patterns re-emerged but he was loving and patient with them. I've started part time teacher training.
Lately we've had a storm of me battling progesterone intolerance related depression (I'm off that now), his work trips leaving me stressed and feeling alone and his first work trip where the ap was present.
It caused rows. And now he's saying he's done. He loves me but in giving me all I needed he's not thought about him self and he just doesn't have anything left to give me. He will stay through my hysterectomy innthe the summer and then move out.
In my logical head I know he isn't good for me, I know the signs are that ap is back on the scene but all my worst fears have been realised again. Im heart broken and he's dropping me in it yet again when I need his support for school runs etc and still have no income (just a bursary).
I've defended affair recovery many times and I just feel so stupid now. And I'm so put out that this gets to be his choice!
I'm not really looking for anything from you lovely ladies just needed a vent

Hope he’s having 50/50 custody of the kids so you get a break & finally get to do what you want in life. What a fucking arse! Your better out without this arsehole. 🫂

He wants 50/50, says he can rearrange things at work to make it happen.
I mean that boiled my blood. I've begged him to travel/ work a bit less, or to avoid travel when something important is going on. And it was never possible.
I'll fight on the custody purely because its better for the kids. This house and me as their primary caregiver is literally all they've ever known. I want them to maintain their relationship with him but I need to keep things as stable as I can. Fortunately teaching allows me to do that though at 46 when I qualify I'll be on less than 1/2 what I earned when I gave up working.
He thought we could just swap days / weeks around to suit his work schedule too ...

Honestly I wouldn’t fight the custody, you love your kids and that’s evident but it would’ve okay for him to now step up and play his part.

If he’s choosing to end things I think it’s cruel that he wants to say it now and then stay until after summer.

I know you’ll be having your operation but I personally would ask him to leave now but that he needs to ensure arrangements to support you before and after your operation are in place.

you ca he through this but it will take time, and emotionally it’s better if you can create some distance from him.

I’m with you OP. He would use the excuse that you’re a teacher so you end up doing all the bits of holidays he doesn’t want.

And realistically there is no way he’ll be a proper 50% parent - you’ll be left with all the shit bit, he won’t organise or pay for 50%.

Divorce him, make sure you get half his pension, make sure he pays for you to have majority care

Yes I can imagine how that would have gone down, especially if he could have arranged this the whole time. I wouldn't be surprised by that - such men try to push their luck and get away with things if they can, and he's still doing that it seems. Still thinks everything must and can revolve around what he wants. My sympathies OP.

That's really tough especially when you're facing major surgery. I bet his 50/50 efforts fizzle out super quick too. Can you get him to do 50/50 now, as you're technically separated? Then he'll probably have given up on the idea by the time he moves out. Take the initiative and file for divorce and a financial claim while you're not earning, you will potentially get a bigger share. He sounds very selfish.

Do not worry. If he’s going to do 50/50 your life will become a lot easier. I was in a similar position (though no SEN with kids) when my ex left me for AP. She had never done any childcare or any domestic load during our marriage but was magically able to do all this once she left. I was very sad about that (and angry, at the time), because I didn’t want to break up. I loved her. But she went, 50/50 it was (no CMS as a result), and that was that.

With suddenly the ability to do evening work events and go on work trips, my career rapidly developed in a way that wasn’t possible in the relationship. It took me a long time to get over the end of the marriage but 3 years on we get along well, our child is fine as she sees both of us regularly and we all do things together, and life is in many ways easier than when we were together. I do still wish we were together, but not in the way we were. I’d love to have had the version of her that exists now. But she didn’t want to be that person for us. So this is the next best thing I guess.

You don’t see how you can move forward, in the beginning, but you can. And you can be happy.

I totally sympathise with the 50/50 thing being suggested because he doesn’t want to pay child support. However the courts will look at what is in th best interests of the children. Do you think an autistic child will cope well with 50/50? If not raise that as an issue. He is also unlikely to cope with the reality of this and if he is with AP she probably won’t want that either.
sorry OP but he sounds such an arse. I strongly expect once you have split and he is having the kids some of the time your mental health will spring back and you will be much happier. Sometimes a bad partner can drain the life out of you.

Thank you all. He is an arse. The ap is 31 with no kids. If she's back on the scene as I suspect my two are going to be a shock to the system for her 😂.
I'm so angry hes wasted my last two years. Me and the kids could have been settled and sorted by now.
He's used all my sacrifices to further himself and now they are a bit older and a bit easier he wants to take everything we've both worked for and half the kids time and live happily ever elsewhere.
The best bit - he's wobbling now and not sure if he might want us again. Too late!

The best bit - he's wobbling now and not sure if he might want us again. Too late!

Good for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐