How do you remember why you left after a painful breakup

[Kissyface]

Why is it so hard to remember why you left when the bad times are drowned out by the happy memories and the heartbreak of wanting him back 😔

It has been a week but i am still struggling and i miss him so much it hurts. How do i move through this

Write down all the shitty aspects in ChatGPT. Save them and its response to look back over whenever you feel like this

I have used chatgpt but i came on here to see what people in the real world can say :(

I have put myself through the ringer these last days and i am really struggling

I have a huge list of things in my notes app of really specific incidents where he did something shitty or made me feel like shit. For example “we went out for Christmas drinks once and instead of paying any attention to me he was too busy catching eyes and smirking with a woman on another table”. Whenever I get caught up thinking of the good times I read the list and it immediately brings me back to how awful I actually felt in the relationship, rather than imagining the potential of what it could have been if he just behaved like an adult.

Also I still add to the list every few days whenever I remember something else!

Thank you for the practical advice i really appreciate it, this is something i can try

It doesn't take much for me to remember all the lies, controlling behaviour and emotional abuse.

It wasn't all bad a relationship, but the bad bits drown out the good for me. Mostly as the good bits were only good because he was invested in them for other reasons.

Yes, I made The List and it was BRUTAL.

Any time I wavered I read the list and got my sanity back.

Make your list here

I also found journaling helpful. Writing a list of everything he’s done and what you’ve done helps in the moments when you miss the good times. It also helps to understand your part in this whether it’s accepting too much, people pleasing, minimising your own needs etc. This can be useful to recognise so you avoid that with your next partner.
You’ll be going through a wide range of emotions and it’s still early days. It also helps to clarify what you don’t want moving forward and stops you reaching out to him when you read back the impact of his actions on you.
If you journal regularly you can see the progression of your emotions as you begin to heal.
I had a conversation with my ex a long time after we ended and I put this into ChatGPT out of curiosity. There was no accountability or acknowledgement about the impact on me at all and he’d rewritten his version of events to make it sound like a mutual decision, which reassured me that he’d never change. That was quite useful.

Haha I love that!
Mine is in my head, I need to note it down on the phone’s Notes.

Each point on the list brings back the feeling of utter despair and the helplessness I felt at the time.
I can now clearly see how deeply unhappy I was, for so long .

The list is merciless.

I emailed myself a realistic account of his worst behaviour and read it when I was wobbly or had rose tinted glasses about the past.

Everyone has said the exact same thing I was going to say. You can't argue with a black and white list. I stopped writing after I got to 40 "Things that made me sad in my marriage", and I could've gone on!

However, despite that, I still sometimes wanted him back. It wasn't till I truly felt in my bones how much he didn't love me, that I released that altogether. It took a very long time to be able to admit to myself how early on in the marriage he stopped loving me. I had to go through all the stages of grief.

So I say it helps to do brain-level things like making a list, but the deeper heart level happens by itself after time and distance.

I find recording myself on my phone. Video or audio describing what happened and how it felt, then watching it back when it hurts, but seeing in my face and voice how much worse it hurt in the relationship. It makes it feel very real and I imagine it’s a friend saying it, and what my reaction would be (don’t give in, don’t go back, reach for a better life, you can do it).

And a week is absolutely nothing at all. A month is a short time too. Three months until most people start feeling even remotely hopeful again and 6months plus for me personally so feel like a rational person after a painful break up. It takes a long time. A month no contact is an absolute minimum and I’d recommend much much longer.