Why is he doing this?

[HoneyB2025]

My ex-husband and I have an ‘ok’ relationship. However, I feel he gives mixed signals. He wants to spend time with myself and our DC when he gets the chance ‘family feel’ but when I ask him if he wants the family back or wants to work on this. He becomes emotionally avoidant. He doesn’t say yes or no. He tries to deflect or push his decisions as far out as he can. This has been going on for almost 3 years now (a year after we divorced). For the past year, I have minimised the emotional access I give him, but he still wants to be close. I don’t understand this.

You need to move on.

Because he can, because he doesn't really care, who knows, maybe he doesn't. You're divorced, stop playing happy families part time, he doesn't need to see you only DC.

You are divorced.
That means you don't need to engage with him unless it's concerning the DC.
Just step back.

Because he wants to keep you on a string so he feels like he has a back up. It is stroking his ego.

Also because he is telling himself that he is a “nice guy” for being a family man to his son while just dicking you around.

Because if he does this play happy families act you will continue to do stuff for him like emotional and domestic labour around parenting responsibilities and make his life easier.

Because you let him.

My ex was like this, always tried it on with me although he left and had affairs. He didn't really want me he was a manipulative arse, and didn't want his family back he was having too much fun dipping in and out of many women's lives. Also a control thing, stopping me from moving on. We stayed friendly after the divorce for a lot of years, it was a big mistake and only when I had totally detached myself from him could I truly see how coercive, abusive and manipulative he had always been.

OP, this sounds like controlling behaviour. Make sure you stick to your boundaries - and take no notice of his wanting to be closer to you. Don’t ask him if he wants the family back: it’s time to move on and mean it. You’re not his puppet, so don’t let him keep you on a string.

Do you want him back?
What’s he doing? Where’s he living and who with? What’s the age difference? He’s really having his cake and eating it!

@sesquipedalianThanks for your response, why do you think he wants to control? Just curious.

To be honest I don’t. He lives in a different country. He lives with his mother because he is a mamas boy. We are the same age. We have one kid together and sometimes I think of child that’s why I relax a bit. But I think I have to move on and not be deceived by his pretend behavior. I think he just enjoys the emotional access but not necessarily wants the family. Because when I ask him why do you want this family back he doesn’t say yes or no. He tries to deflect.

@BristolandlazyYou are right! Thanks

We don’t live in the same country but I think he has portrayed to people where he lives that his family lives in another country. So it benefits his image and get respect from people in his workplace. I don’t do domestic duties for him. But I realise he has certain expectations, when he thinks of the family bond he ‘thinks’ he is trying to keep , he thinks it makes me want the family back. So in his psychology he thinks I am holding on. I also noticed when I pull back he tries to lean in, but when I put pressure and ask what he wants and if he wants the family back he retreats (he doesn’t say yes or no) just deflects.

@Pinkladyapplepie Thanks for this and I see what you exactly mean. I have also pulled back and when I do he tries to re-connect or lean in but like you said it’s manipulative behavior, he wants to think he has options and boost his ego. He is doing it for his own self-satisfaction eventhough there is a child involved. I thought keeping it friendly would benefit the child but that was a big mistake because now he has taking that friendliness for granted and gotten comfortable with the emotional access.

My ex did this to me for years. We had a young child at the time. It didn't mean anything. He just enjoyed keeping me dangling, and it suited him to appear as a family unit at times.

You say he retreats when you ask for more. Doesn't that give you your answer? When he's actually confronted with a reality, he is telling you "no thanks".

Some people are just irresponsible and don't care how they come across or how they make others feel.

One added motive might be that if he believes you're happy with this over- friendliness between you two, that you might not, in the future, ask for more money in custody should his financial circumstances improve.

But don't concern your about why he behaves like this. Focus on how it is negatively impacting you. Have a talk with him about new boundaries that you wish to put in place. That from now on, discussions will solely be about co-parenting and that you will no longer be a part of the get togethers when he has his visits with your child. Don't engage with arguments about the matter. Be strong and tell him the discussion is over.

You've split up three years ago. Stop spending time with him just because he feels like it.

He can see the kids I presume whenever he likes within reason but you and him shouldn't be playing happy families.

You should simply communicate about the logistics of co-parenting only.

You could have had a clean break years ago and be thinking about the future and possibly even a new relationship. Not holding desperately onto the hope your ex will take you back.

He's wasting your time and wanting the best of both worlds.

Stop asking him what he wants. You are divorced. Who cares what he wants? Stop thinking about what impression he is trying to give his family. Why should you care?

Pay no attention to all these silly mind games he's playing. The important thing here is what YOU want.

It sounds like he wants you around as support and a friend. He no longers wants to rekindle the relationship with you.

Why is he doing this?

Simply, because he can. Aren’t you prepared to accept the fact that it’s over?

As pp has said, he is giving you an answer when he pulls back, just not in words.

His actions, when asked if he wants the family back, say no.

You just make it easy and comfortable for him to get the benefits of family life without the commitments.

I would stop giving him so much headspace and enabling this. He should have a relationship with his child independent of you.