Advice needed

[Mumtryingherbest01]

I have been with my partner for over 2 years and we live together. When it comes to my daughter he really has stepped up and been the father she has never had, he never misses a school event or a sports session. My daughter’s biological dad is in and out of her life when he feels like it so having my partner constantly there means so much to us both. My partner however has two children with his ex wife. They have been split up for 3 years so long before we got together. Their oldest is now an adult so I am able to have some contact with him however the youngest she refuses to even let him know that I exist. So my partner spends every Saturday and Sunday all day with him and the older boy which means we get no time together unless she makes plans with them and tells my partner not to turn up. We have spoken to legal professionals who have to,d us legally she can’t stop us however she could cause a bitter custody battle which honestly we just cannot afford. My partner is still legally married to her because again when we have had quotes for the legal separation and divorce he doesn’t have the money for it. Especially when he is spending money every weekend taking the kids out due to them not being allowed to spend time at our home.

The situation is starting to cause arguments and putting a strain on our relationship. Right now I can’t see things ever getting better. Whenever he brings it up to his ex wife she simply tells him the youngest is too young, the youngest is 12 and that it is and enough the oldest has anything to do with us. Whenever he goes to see their children she is always making snide comments and causing arguments with my partner.

i don’t know what to do anymore.

Your partner has a choice - he can either continue as he is until his youngest child is 18 or he can take her to court. That's it, that's the choice. Also, there's no way I would have moved in with a man (did you move in with him?) while he was still married to someone else.

The only way this affects you is that he is not around at weekends. Only you can decide if you are willing to put up with that for the next six years or not.

He moved in with me.

Move him out

Why does she have such a hatred for you?

If you decided to carry on with it for a while, then there’s no real chance of him losing custody of or contact with a child who is in their early teens and who wants to carry on seeing their dad. In the meantime, what’s stopping your DP from telling his youngest about you? So that he becomes used to you being part of his dad’s life.

I have no idea as I have never met her.

we were going to do that but when we spoke to citizens advice we were told we could legally but that’s how bitter custody battles start in their experience and he is so scared of loosing the access to the youngest. The oldest is now trying to help us but she is saying the same to him tht his brother is too young

Why have you moved a married man into your house?

This has long running tedious drama written all over it. I couldn’t live with all this crap.

Sorry 3 years and living together and his 12 year old son doesnt know you exist?? 12 is not too young

This is all kinds of red flags

Your partner needs to man up. Get divorced and get custody sorted in court

Have you ever spoken directly to his wife , so that you understand the situation direct from her rather than via him?

Allowing your daughter to bond with a man in this situation is taking a significant risk that she will be at least confused and at worse really hurt.

Where did he live before he moved in with you ?

It’s already bitter so he might as well go through a divorce. And the 12-year-old is old enough to make choices about where he wants to be and who he wants to see, and spot that his mother is being very unreasonable. The oldest will help influence him. Your partner needs to bite the bullet and divorce.

Wisen up. A 12 year old can make his own decisions about who he sees and as much as she can spunk her money up the wall talking to herself in court, she’s not going to win even if you represent yourselves. Doesn’t need to cost any money. This is just a power play. Bring the kid to your house at the weekends and chances are she’ll do nothing but whine. If she withholds the child, you go make an application for access at minimal cost and it will be awarded. Job done. Guy needs a backbone more than anything

How much does he contribute to your household in terms of money and housework

Good question

How long were you together when he moved in. Might be easier if he moves out until his divorce is through.