Do relationships really work if you don’t live together?

[cupcake7589]

Me and my partner have been together for 13 years, we’re both 29 and got together when we were 16.

we started off in a long distance relationship and ended up moving in together when our DD was born 8 years ago. It’s been a really rocky relationship, he didn’t treat me well in the beginning and I suffer with my mental health so it’s not just him that has posed problems. We have worked through many of our issues but things still aren’t perfect. I’m 14 weeks pregnant and we actually split up a few days ago and he’s been staying in a hotel since. We love each other but one of the main issues I have is I struggle to live with him, in fact I think I’d struggle to live with anybody, I have mild autism, ADHD and mild OCD. Some of his habits really get to me and it’s caused many many arguments. I completely understand that my OCD has a big part to play and it’s not all his fault. he obviously can’t afford to carry on staying in hotels and his only other option right now is to move to London with his mum which is around a 2 hour train journey.

im wondering if anyone is in a long term relationship with children and don’t live together? And if so how does this work?

My partner and I live apart happily so - but we don't have children together, and it isn't because we annoy each other but because it allows us to lead independent lives. Very much an active and happy choice, and one we can afford. We've never lived together.

In your situation - with emotional baggage, and children, this might be harder to achieve. Have you gotten help with your OCD, and have you tried counselling?

It doesn’t sound like it’s the not living together that’s the problem here. It sounds like it’s the relationship.

Are there people who happily live separately? Sure. But they are people who have solid relationships already and simply prefer it that way or need to live apart for work or whatever. You are living apart because you aren’t getting on and that’s different.

Also realistically, with two young children and living 2 hours apart, you are going to be carrying the whole burden of parenting and that’s going to cause resentment to build.

Beyond that, do get support with your OCD, because children can be just as triggering. I have a teen who is truly disgusting. She is very difficult to live with. If I could make her move 2 hours away, sometimes I think I would. Getting support now will make parenting a lot easier later on when life is less within your control than it is now when they’re little.

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship at all, OP. Maybe it's just run its course and you'd be better off in a good co-parenting relationship instead?

Yes, I always say you can have a great relationship without ever living together, the only reason I would ever live with a man is if we have kids together, I expect him to pull his weight. Then I'll be moving out as soon as the youngest is 18. I need my own space.

I think it only works if you don’t have children

If the problems in this relationship are not tackled head-on nothing will change.
The old saying ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’.

With the current challenges in this relationship perhaps living apart in the first instance might be the way to go, instead of all the arguing etc. Then if both of you want to move back in together, that’s a decision to be made when things are a lot calmer. You may find living alone suits you better with yr partner still playing an active role in the lives of the children, albeit if he is living aways away.