Hi, I’m 27 and 4 months ago my ex of 4.5 years and I broke up. It was incredibly turbulent while we were together, with frequent cheating, endless lies (including about STDs/things that had happened) and complete freak outs if I said anything about the behaviour. To be honest, I’m embarrassed I stayed, but I got completely worn down by believing I had become this ‘shell’ he would describe and that I was overly reactive as I’d lost my confidence.
When we met, I was a recent Oxford first class graduate with a really good job and I felt like I was going somewhere. His job situation improved while we were together (he’s now in IB) and I left my job to move into a career I care more about, but that pays significantly less. I’ve saved, invested and took my time with this decision to ensure it was one I was comfortable with - I was picking between retraining in my current field or commercial law, so there was a big difference in salary.
We moved in together while I was retraining, and he was earning £100k+ base + bonus. It was a continual struggle as I had to get two jobs (on top of full time training) to support the trips and meals out etc he would insist we would go on and that I contribute to. I am fully happy to support myself, but my attempts to make our lifestyle more affordable for me were met with fury that my chosen path (earning £36k + bonus to start) was ‘pathetic’ and a liability for our future family.
Eventually, he said that while I was once impressive, confident and beautiful, it was now impossible to be proud of the shell I’d become. To be fair, he would then apologise and acknowledge he didn’t mean it and had a lot going on in his own life so I was constantly confused about how much was me and how much was outside stress.
He then broke up with me at the end of a massive freakout after I’d found out he had lied to me about where he had been (my friends had seen him in a club while saying he was with a friend at a bar) and calmly told him I knew he wasn’t where he said he was. He said I was no longer the ambitious and impressive person he met, I didn’t run enough (I am a size 6, modelled through school and uni and I swim and go to the gym regularly but just can’t get into running), I’m going nowhere, am not disciplined and am insecure and overly defensive.
This stuff had been said before, and then the next day it would go back to him being completely obsessed with marrying me and showing me off to all his friends. This time, however, I took him at his word and refused to ‘convince him’ to be with me so he has outright refused to even civilly speak while I was moving out/when I’ve bumped into him.
I have moved back in with my parents, but have completely lost sight of where I am going in life and what I’m meant to be doing. I do worry I’ve totally squandered any potential I once had, and would be lying if I said money didn’t matter to me at all (I just really wanted to give this career path a try as it’s an area I’ve always genuinely cared about and am doing well in despite only being a year in), but am worried I’ve messed up.
I know it’s ridiculous and that people have much bigger problems, especially at the moment, but I can’t speak to my family on this as I don’t want to worry them (they have a lot going on at the moment) and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to move forward. I was thinking maybe I should try to start some kind of freelancing business up on the side, and try to rebuild that way. I’ve started taking sertraline to try and get my head back, but can’t shake the idea that I’m now this complete waste of space, education and potential. Sorry this is so long!