I’m feeling very low and DH is very dismissive

[Whatnow89]

I will start by saying none of us have been diagnosed but I am very sure that DH has ADHD, I have Autism and DS is on the waiting list for diagnosis of both ADHD and Autism.
DH works and his businesses earn the money, I do the admin and bookkeeping. This is a part time job and DH wants me to pick up more admin. I hate it, it’s very boring and repetitive, I do it because it gives me the flexibility of working around school holidays/school run etc. I do everything in the house apart from empty the bin and make breakfast & toothbrushing for DS. I look after all the pets and I sort everything for DS (hobbies/school run/life admin/illness etc.) I stopped at one child because I found the baby stage hard, again, I did 100% childrearing. I think I’m autistic and have had a few times in my life where I have suffered from burnout. Once during A-levels (dropped out and started an apprenticeship) once during work 5 years later (so I changed jobs) and again whilst I had DS as a baby.
On paper, my life sounds so lovely. I work part time (everyone tells me I’m a stay at home mum even though I work- I don’t know why because I do actually work). So I’m already undermined and feel a failure in that sense. And I’m also struggling with parenting (again, feel like a failure because I only have one child- how hard can it be?). We have loads of holidays, financially secure, I take DS out to socialise all the time because he’s an only child. But honestly I’m struggling. I feel so low and like a failure. I think DH just sees me as a freeloader even though the house is clean, tidy and organised, our pets are all looked after well and DS’s needs are always met. He doesn’t understand why I’m struggling because in his eyes I’m a kept woman and he’s working hard. I cook from scratch every night, DS has hobbies, I volunteer at school and at one of his clubs. But life is just so busy and it’s all getting a bit much lately. I don’t know how to dial everything back without looking like a complete loser. Why can’t I cope with normal life?! I don’t feel depressed, I feel burnt out but everyone around me thinks I do nothing all day and it’s crippling my self worth. Would antidepressants help me?

I’m also feeling low because DS is struggling at school but homework/reading and timestables at home are a battle every day. He’s also failing at learning to swim even though I’ve taken him every week for 7 years he’s still in a very basic group. So I feel like I’m failing as a mother too.

I will add that our holidays are always in our motor home so we go away a lot (and abroad) but it’s a lot of effort to pack and maintain. It’s not like all inclusive in the sun-type holidays where you can switch off. It’s all go go go, not relaxing.

I don't have any practical support to offer but I just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you're doing a great job looking after your son, pets, the home, work etc. I'm sorry for you that it's not being acknowledged.

You don’t say that DH has actually said any of these things just that you think he thinks them.
You need to make time for yourself without your son, find a hobby, even go for days out alone.

Thank you, that’s very kind

I think you have lost yourself in all this.
You hate doing admin and book-keeping for your DH’s businesses.
Plus it’s making you the employee of your DH, not his partner.
This is having the effect of him looking down on you.
He needs to pay a professional book keeper so you are out of it.
You need to find something for you to do that you enjoy.
Being a fantastic mother to your son is great, but you need something of your own.

I approached him tonight and explained I’m feeling burnt out and low and he basically said “why are you struggling? You have an easy life compared to most of our friends. Basically the women work an extra day than me so why am I complaining. Their children and husbands seem neurotypical though so they have different challenges to me. DH is unbelievably messy though and their DH’s are more like modern men than traditional. I didn’t discover mumsnet and feminism until I was already married and had a child. I fell into the trad wife trap like my own parents.

You’re right, he does see me as beneath him. He doesn’t seem to respect how much easier I make his life. I do all the donkey work that he doesn’t recognise.

Our set ups are similar i am bookeeper for his buisness and life home manager and my dh is autistic, we have 5 kids. Our youngest due to start preschool I am looking to return to education to accounting. Could it maybe be less about his thoughts for you and more your own ?

If you a a kept woman, why are you working?
Have a real discussion getting real feedback from your husband, is this set up working?
Having a clean house is okay, but doesn't pay the bills.
Who's pets are they? If only you wanted them, that's your job. If not, get husband involved.
I loved a response on here previously about same thing. If you are a team, building a business / raising family all in it together. Go 50/50 properly through bank you will feel more involved, don't be an employee in your family business, it's on your cv, your future is a bit more secure. He sees you as a real person. Divvy up what roles within the business you can do, and learn, take on responsibility. Just supporting and cleaning whilst others thrive off your unpaid labour isn't going to feel good. You do need to do the work, he needs to see you actively get stuck in. If becoming joint business owner isn't what he wants, that's fine but go get a proper paying job, pay half the bills, do half the housework/childcare

Could you get a completely separate job, earn an income, get your husband to pay someone for the book keeping? Might keep everything cleaner.
Maybe even work a few more hours to then pay a cleaner and a dog walker. Be out of the house more so that it is obvious that he needs to do some of the family chores.