Feeling frightened about leaving my husband after years of affairs and aggression

[Parkrun1989]

Please could I have some courage? I'm terrified of my next step.

DH and I have been together 25 years with 3 DS, youngest 15.

Over the last 10 years he has turned from a loving dad and husband to someone who... really isn't.

Multiple affairs (abroad and I have proof because x2 girlfriends contacted me), we are in UK but he works abroad much of the time.

Often verbally aggressive, breaks things etc. Punched a wall next to my face and broke his hand, told me it was my fault. We're all in eggshells when he gets home.

He's pulled me into phenomenal debt, tbh I want to cry. I put double what he does in the joint account and pay for lots of extras (school lunches, trips etc). He puts in half of what I do because he says that he's in too much debt to pay more.

I just got a text from our building society saying that our monthly bills were not paid today as he did not our his money in.

I'm trying very hard to divorce him but he won't engage to the point that I keep paying for service processors to serve him with papers. This has been going on for over 2 years. Last week my solicitor said it could be 2027 before I'm free of him.

I can't take it anymore. This afternoon I'm going to view a rental property with a view to just leaving. Boys fully on board with this.

I'm just so frightened.

Are you getting legal advice OP? If not, you need it, right now. You need to protect yourself as much as you can and avoid getting sucked into any more of his debts.

Absolutely no doubt you are doing the right thing. And it will get easier and you will get braver. And you've got 3 big sons on your side @Parkrun1989 !
I'm excited for you. Go and see that rental and secure it. I assume you moving out rather than him is established as the best way forward?
What are the details on current house, ownership, mortgage etc?

If he works abroad why do you need to leave your home? You can get a court order (occupation order) so you can stay in the house. In light of the domestic abuse and you being gthe resident patent. I would hate for you to be on the hook to pay for two homes.

Talk to woman's aid ordomeztic abuse services. They may be able to advise you how best and more importantly safely move forward.

Thank you both!

We're both named on the mortgage and he says he doesn't want to divorce (??? he barely talks to me). Hence why he's making life so difficult, he refuses to move or and said there is no reason why he should.

I'm not named on his debt and there are none secured against the house.

My solicitor is aware.

Apart from anything else, I earn a decent salary and everything looks good on paper...behind the scenes, absolutely not.

I have not got enough evidence for a non-mol, I did look into this.

Not full time abroad. He's away about 50% of the time, very unpredictable.

I just can't take this any longer. I did speak to WA and they gave some helpful advice.

Have you financially separated, is he really in debt or is he actually hoarding money.

You absolutely can do this OP, you need to have a calm peaceful environment that he cannot gain access to, the peace will give you somewhere to gather your resolve and keep pushing the arse for a divorce. Keeping everything crossed for you that you eventually get there.

Why not? Is it because you haven't reported his abuse to police?

You are nothing equally and jointly responsible to pay your mortgage. If its not paid then it will impact both of your credit. I would call thx leader and speak to ghem about his refusal to pay his share. You might get legal advice with your house insurance so it might be worth talking to them. Can you afford to pay the mortgage and rent?

When you move out make sure you remove your name from all services. Inform all the utilities with final meter readings, the council for council tax, Internet provider, water, everyone. Do it verbally and in writing. Be clear that you are moving out due to DV and will not be payo g for service at that address moving forward.

You can absolutely move out and rent somewhere else. I think you need individual councelling and maybe therapy for the kids as well. It's hard after you've spent a life time with someone. You need to ask yourself is staying scarier than leaving. I think fear of the unknown is a huge factor and lack of confidence because they spend so much time grinding you down. You need to be strong.

I'm in the very fortunate position of being able to pay mortgage and rent, at least for a while. Good shout on speaking to my lender, I expect they have had to deal with that before.

@RoseField1 , my son rang the police once a few years ago because he was smashing furniture and we hid. It was horrible. Really horrible. He has a very... don't know how to explain.. active job that many men would think to be very cool. Anyway, he had just been issued a piece of swanky kit and sort of charmed? the police officer into admiring it with him and then it was all blokes together IYSWIM?

No safeguarding report was done to the school or GP and I kept hoping they would reach our to me but they didn't.

If this has been going on 2 years and your solicitor hasn't managed to move things along with the divorce, I would be looking for a new solicitor! You know that you need to get him out of yours and your children's lives and do whatever it takes. How often is he away/home? I would call the police every time he behaves in a way that is frightening and intimidating and be prepared to press charges. In this way, you may he able to keep him out of the house until it's sold. If you can afford it, maybe moving out and renting somewhere until the house is sold might give you more peace and calm. Wishing you a speedy resolution 💐

Thank you everyone for posting.

@Endofyear I am considering changing solicitor... just wondering if it will be more of the same since he is stalling on every single communication. Hard work and expensive.

I'm going to view a property this afternoon which feels a big step. I keep wondering if I'm overreacting but then I remind myself that four separate raised a safeguarding referral (three for boys, one for me), so it can't just be in my head, can it?

I agree with @Endofyear your solicitor sounds rubbish. There is no reason for it to have taken so long. Find another one.

You do need good financial advice about mortgage and separation of finances so you don't end up losing out if he stops paying altogether and you have to cover all the mortgage. Obviously if you move out you can remove your name from all the utility bills but you can't let house insurance lapse and remember as the home owner he can't change the locks or refuse you access after you move out (though that works both ways hence why you can't insist he leaves without a court order.

He will presumably make selling the house difficult (could you buy him out if you want to?) but eventually he'd have to co-operate.

So sorry to hear the police were not supportive - I think you should have complained at the time but possibly too late now - though the report may still be on file and can be counted fir any further incidents. From now on make sure you report every single time there is any type of violence or scary behaviour.

Good luck Op.
Edit to add: Don't doubt yourself. it's not in your head. This sort of insidious, less overt domestic abuse grinds you down and you can't see how bad it is until you are out.

Good luck with with the viewing today op, hope you like it and can see a fresh start with your boys who sound lovely.

If you have had 4 separate safeguarding referrals for the DC that could be used as evidence for an occupation order - it’s not the same as a non-mol. Have you spoken with Rights of Women regarding one?

You go live your best life
You are moving on in the right direction. Hey it will be scary at 1st but you will move on quickly

@Parkrun1989 - you’re right that occupation orders are very hard to get but have you spoken to the NCDV? They are specialists and may be able to offer you support and insights.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

How was the viewing OP? Are you taking it?