How to get out of what might be an toxic relationship during the "honeymoon" period?

[Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum]

I think I might be in a slightly toxic/emotionally abusive relationship and I need help getting out. What keeps happening is we cycle through super highs and super low.

We have been together for two years and the first 6 months of our relationship, I thought this is it, the man I want to marry, I had never felt this way, it evolved so organically and we want the same things in life and he made me feel like the most loved human on the planet. And I was 100% in, operating from abundance.

Then something shifted, and that's where the "cycles" began. He would suddenly snap and say really mean things about me or be aggressive in his tone (and that could be anything, he's hungry, stressed, I said something in a way he didn't like or found offensive/insulting, etc). Then our arguments last a few hours of back and forth, then we make up and he usually apologises and he goes back to being the sweetest man in the world. This keeps happening and I keep brushing it off to everybody snaps, he had a bad day, etc. But I am exhausted and this doesn't feel like a one-off. It seems like if there's nothing rocking the boat, we are lovey dovey and smooth sailing and as soon as something sets him off, our dynamic flips. I am not saying I am without faults but I feel insane.

In our "good days/weeks", I feel like I have amnesia, I forget all the bad and I bask in the love and the sweetness and we are having great conversations and making plans, until I get hit by the random flip (it's like dating two men), and it usually comes out of nowhere, we would be having a conversation and he would find a question I asked insulting and would start a retaliation attack.

How can I leave when things are "good" as in when he's being sweet? Because I keep waiting for a big fight where he says something so so so bad, that I feel compelled to leave on the spot (which has also failed in the past). How can I stop the amnesia? My friends say just leave, but I don't think they understand how visceral the feeling of maybe I am wrong/crazy/it's a bad day is.

Only you can answer this OP, but ultimately you sit quietly with yourself for a period of time to reflect on if this relationship is a good thing in your life, or if it needs to come to a close for your own wellbeing.

The armchair psychologist in me would also point out that 'we circle through highs and lows' is a story you are co-creating here, and maybe some counselling or therapy would be useful to look at how you are relating to him and the part you are playing, as this is all good learning either way.

If a dynamic can flip, it is not strong or steady or peaceful and all sounds rather exhausting.

Also, you don't need help getting out. You just decide the relationship is over and you communicate that by phone, by text or in person. Wish him well and move on. It really is that simple in reality.

No, you are definitely not crazy but you are experiencing what it's like to live with an abusive partner. I would trust yourself and get out now, this will only get worse. Been there.

It’s important to trust your instincts when noticing cycles of extreme highs and lows. Setting boundaries and creating space for reflection can help clarify your feelings. Talking to a trusted friend or therapist provides support and perspective, and planning a safe exit strategy can make leaving a toxic dynamic more manageable and empowering.

Yes, random flips are definitely signs of an abusive partner. Do not let yourself be controlled by the nice times. He is definitely abusive. Leave.

It's clear from your post that this is not healthy relationship for you. I also get the feeling that you have somewhere unspoken the idea that there is an ideal way for you to leave the relationship. There isn't! There never is. I echo what PP has said about choosing face-to-face, text or phone. Also think about making the choice that will allow you to look back and respect yourself for what you chose.

He kept up the pretence for six months and you fell head over heels. The trouble is, you fell in love with an illusion, not the real him.

Now you are seeing what he is really like - a controlling, confrontational, aggressive abuser. Look up the cycle of abuse.

Please, please do not stay in this relationship. He is who he is, and none of his behaviour is caused by what you have or haven't done or said, and things are only going to progress. Make your escape now, before he destroys your confidence and self-esteem completely.

It's NOT you. You are not wrong or crazy. You are the victim of abuse and that's what is making you feel that way.

I appreciate that you are probably intending on validating the OPs feelings here, but I'm not sure how helpful it is to tell her that she is the victim of abuse or labelling her partner as an aggressive abuser. Sometimes things just run their course and no one has to be a hero or a villain.

OP better to focus solely on the dynamic of the relationship and whether this is something you want or need in your life and go from there.

As another poster said, look up the cycle of abuse.

Please leave now. This is an abusive relationship and it will get worse, not better.

It absolutely is abuse, and I say that as a professional who sees it day in, day out.

Please don’t minimise it. The OP is being trained to walk on eggshells. If she upsets the apple cart, she is met with aggression and name calling. The OP has already stated that she is exhausted and questioning herself.

This is abuse. Call it what it is. Take it seriously.

He is an abuser though. And you are invalidating the pp by stating he's not? The op already stated about his clearly abusive behaviour. It's quite clear in the ops post that this is abusive behaviour

@Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum your brain gets addicted to the highs and lows cycle. This is why woman stay with abusers (even the violent ones) and why it can take many, many years to leave and stay apart.

Look up and ready Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" and try to work on yourself so you can break this cycle for good and not fall into the same trap again. The Freedom Programme may help too down the line.

You may need help refocusing your brain to break the addiction pattern. Is there a hobby or interest you could immerse yourself in?

There are millions of woman like you, OP. You are not alone and you've done nothing to deserve this kind of false-love from him or any man.

Only you can end the abuse. Fight for yourself, you are worthy of real love. 🌺

OP you said you need help getting out.

Do you live together? Work together? If not how close do you live to him?

Apologies OP, I'm not trying to invalidate anything. I was just meaning that, as someone who has left an abusive relationship in the past, it can be more helpful to frame this as 'what do I want in my life now?' and 'is this good for me?' rather than 'is this abusive enough to leave'.

Obviously the only acceptable level of abuse is zero, but I think when deciding whether or not to leave a relationship, it can just be really helpful to look forwards rather than try to unpick the whats and the whys.

No disrespect to other posters' views and sorry if it came across that way.

You don’t need any excuse to leave.

you don’t.

yes, but you don’t need an excuse to leave. You’re asking us for permission to end your relationship and we can’t give you that.

This is the nice/nasty of abuse which is a continuous one. You were targeted by this individual deliberately in order to abuse you. He has also ramped up the power and control against you which lies at the heart of abuse over time.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. What do you need?.

Your relationship to him needs to end and is in fact at an end. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

Going forward you need time and space to heal and to this end I would also advise that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Men like this can and do damage boundaries and yours are taking a real battering from him currently.

You dump him.

It's as simple as that. You wouldn't eat a sandwich if you knew for a fact that there was a tiny bit of shit hidden in it. You'd spend the whole time anticipating that piece of shit and so wouldn't enjoy the sandwich.

It's the same as your relationship. You know the shit is in there so you're never really going to be able to enjoy the good bits. Stop trying to pretend everything's OK, acknowledge that if you carry on you're going to get a big mouthful of shit at some point, and do the only thing you can to make sure that doesn't happen.

Chuck it in the bin.

The 'good' times are only in your mind of how you wish life to be. You hang onto these because you wish to be settled down and happy ever after.
This man isn't a nice man and you would be so much better for remebering who you are, what you want in a relationship...and when you've remebered this isn't how you wish to be treated, sacking him off.
The longer you hang onto this man, the longer you will wait to find the right man.

I got out of a relationship like that. Best decision I ever made. I was really careful though not to just obviously pack my stuff & go whilst he was there. I rescued my hair straighteners but I left quite a few other things so it didn’t look odd & then I told him it was over at my home not his. If I was doing it again I’d not do that bit on my own, face to face. It was pretty horrendous & eventually I blocked him on my phone too.

it’s really important to get out before you lose yourself op x

I just posted on another thread about this.

It is difficult, because that kind of behaviour does make you doubt yourself, it is supposed to do that. You start questioning if you exaggerated the 'bad' as it doesn't fit in with the 'good'. You also really want the 'good' side so hold on to it. It is abuse though, and I ended up leaving my relationship. I did warn him I wouldn't put up with that behaviour but he didn't stop and things worsened (it usually does).

The thing I would say OP, is the longer you wait to leave this situation the harder it becomes as your brain begins to change and you begin to accept the unacceptable. It's good you are questioning things now as your brain is trying to protect you. Don't ignore it.

I'm sure. He's an aggressive abuser, she's the victim of abuse and that needs to be said.

I have already responded to a similar message clarifying my intention and apologising for any confusion. Please see my earlier message.

Sounds like he love bombed you initially and now he is showing you who he really is. An aggressive, manipulative man who loves to play mind games, and that is why you feel as though you are going crazy.

Do The Freedom Programme.
Talk to your local DA charity (listed on your council's website).
Talk to Women's Aid.
Read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that (you can google for a free pdf download.
Read Too good to leave, too bad to stay. Your library might have a copy.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

But ultimately if you are not happy then he is not the one. He is not a loving, caring, supportive person to you. Is there any particular advice you are wanting to enable you to leave or do you want us to say it's okay to leave for any reason you want? Because it is okay

All couples argue, but that should be done in a way that's constructive, and of course, doesn't involve being mean, aggressive, belittling, and him taking offense at what others wouldn't, etc.

It might be helpful to think of someone you love being in your shoes. Like a favorite niece or best friend or sister or a co-worker buddy. What would you advise them to do? Wouldn't you tell them to leave right away versus living in fear for the next round in the boxing ring?

I hope, for your sake, that you don't live together, which will make parting harder. But regardless, I would have the break-up talk in a public place that also has some privacy, such as at a park with a bench where people aren't so close to be eavesdropping, but in proximity to people whereas he won't likely resort to screaming like he will when it's just you two. It's for your safety as well, since don't ever think you know someone so well that you assume he wouldn't physically hurt you when he hasn't yet.

I'd keep the reason brief. I might say: The types of arguments we have has been so stressful, that I've realized my love has died and I no longer wish to continue the relationship.

I wouldn't even engage about his meanness, etc., as he will just argue the point. But who can argue with you about your love dying. No sense in continuing on with someone who doesn't love you. Even if you still do, I wouldn't admit that to give him an edge in arguing.

Make sure you've traveled in your own car, so you can get up and leave when he keeps trying to convince you to stay. If you live together, get family or friends support to help you move, or to get him to move out after he's given sufficient notice. If he's in your place, and you're renting, you should probably stay elsewhere so he can find a new place and pack up. Many states have a legal policy of, I believe 2 months or 60 days, to evict someone. You'd have to check.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You don’t have to have a “good enough” reason in order to have permission to leave the relationship.

It is ALWAYS going to be like this. How does the thought of another 10, 20, 30 or more years of second guessing what to say or not say in order to avoid a “flip” feel to you? He will not change. 3/4 of your time together so far (yes, that’s 75%) has been with this good/bad dynamic. It sounds shit.

You don’t have to give him any reasons or be drawn into any detailed justifications which he gets to decide whether they are good enough or not. “This relationship no longer works for me. I’m leaving you and no longer love you”

He doesn’t get to decide whether you leave him or whether your reasons are good enough. Only you do.