Wanting to leave a long, unhappy marriage with no family support

[belovedandpureones]

Hi
I’m 55
Abused by both my parents from birth and the family scapegoat. Abuse in the wider family on my mum’s side (my cousins were abused)
Married 27 years to my emotionally abusive husband who was aggressive in the early years of our marriage and more covertly emotionally abusive nowadays.
To all intents and purposes, our marriage has been dead for 10 years
I have 2 grown kids who I love with all my heart. I torture myself at the way they saw me as they were growing uo - i was a mess at times, with no familial support and an abusive husband. I cried a lot and was irritable.
I have woke up over the years and am angry. Angry with my covert narc mother and angry, controlling dad and the way in which they have never owned or changed their behaviours.
Before I woke up to all the bullshit, my mother hijacked my eldest daughter when she used to babysit her whilst I worked. She was only a young child and I believe she told her horrible, untrue things about me to turn her against me and my daughter and I have a tense relationship. she has my granddaughter so it hurts even more. I am NC with my mum and it will stay that way. I do see my daughter and granddaughter but it feels like there’s always an elephant is n the room
i believe my mother has NPD or another personality disorder and her siblings are same. My mother must be the centre of attention and she has literally blown our family apart with triangulation etc
I have 2 siblings and we do not really talk to each other. They did not suffer the rejection I did growing up
I have fully woken up at the shitshow my life has been and am grieving. I am angry and I cry every day. I met with my cousin a while back and told her what my parents are and that I had suffered abuse just like she had and that our parents are not right in the head. I will not play the family’s games any more and refuse to be scapegoat
I want to leave my husband but nobody is supportive of me. My parents turned the other cheek and my kids do too. This particularly cuts like a knife. My husband puts on a good show nowadays of being a good person and they buy it
My youngest daughter (26) still lives at home and tells me to stay as she wants her family unit intact. I have tried telling her how unhappy I am and she blows up at me and wants me to keep the peace and keep pretending we are a happy family when we have been anything but!

I feel invalidated and the more I put boundaries in place the more I am rejected. I feel like my children will not support me if I leave and will support my husband
I literally feel like running away
I feel like I have been someone’s projection my whole life and nobody sees me for me
Pleqse help

That sounds really tough OP and I really feel for you. I think it’s your time now so do what you need to do that’s best for you. You don’t need permission from your children. Your DD sounds like she is just being selfish and wants things to stay the same, but really it was probably better not to discuss your marital problems with your children, even if they are adults.

She is 26 so really she should be looking at standing on her own two feet if you split.

It really doesn’t matter what others think - if you want to break up (sounds like a plan to me) then do it. No-one else is in your marriage.

Do not remain in a dead marriage any longer. Free yourself. It is ok to put yourself front and centre for once and these other family members only have their own interests at heart.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your assigned role was and is the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. People like your parents never apologise not accept any responsibility for their actions and she did indeed steal your child's heart and mind from under your very nose. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I would also consider going forward getting therapy if you have not done so re the abuse you suffered in childhood. NAPAC are worth contacting. What happened to you was not your fault in any way and indeed that set you up for being in an abusive marriage now. It was a continuation of what you already knew.

Do also read and consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on this Relationships forum. I would also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point along with You're not crazy its your mother by Danu Morrison.

This is a good article re rocking the boat

Don't rock the boat.

\I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the
situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
(that is what your 26 year old daughter is doing now here)

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Thank you @PussInBin20 It is a tough situation for sure and I cry everyday 🥲 No way to live. I am sure my husband is unhappy too but he seems to want to keep me here no matter what…..