I've completely lost my confidence with people and feel so stupid and lost

[SarahAndQuack]

I am going to try to make this not impossibly long. The gist is, I made really stupid choices and as they unravelled I lost all my confidence, and now I really struggle to trust/connect to people.

I met my ex, my daughter's bio mum, when I was very early 30s. I'd recently come out; I was living in a new city and in my first serious job. I was very happy; starting to get a nice circle of friends. Ex wanted to TTC first as she was older and our DD was born. DD is wonderful. I adore her. My ex had bad PND and I ended up going part time, then when DD was 13 months we moved (a long way) for ex-P's job. Socially, I found it hard. We'd left behind a really nice NCT group and I found it hard to fit in with the mum groups, partly because any socialising, ex-P would muscle in and offend people by being frankly rude (I'm not conjecturing here; since we split people have come forward and said they found her rude and offputting). After a few months I got another good job that lasted for a couple of years, but when it ended I was struggling with lack of support and decided to go for something else closer to home and with less career progression, so I could do childcare for DD who was starting school. I was really lonely. Around this point ex-P dropped a series of bombshells about financial dishonesty and it became more and more clear she had no intention of supporting me to TTC/the relationship was not a good one in which to have another baby.

Silver lining: unexpectedly, I loved my new job; threw myself into it. It gave me confidence to split up with my partner as my boss made clear I had a future there and he would make it possible for me to work full time around DD's school time, which felt like a godsend. Here's the stupid bit. DP and I split when we'd been together about 8 years. My boss had known me and DD for years at this point, from before I worked for him. He's a gay man most of a generation older than me. I saw him as a friend as well as a boss and he encouraged that. About 8 months after DP and I split (and in retrospect I was still reeling) he chatted to me about whether I'd have another baby on my own. He'd been open about being sad he'd never had children. So we decided to try IVF togther. Initially it looked incredibly exciting; he said all the right things; I started figuring out how other gay co-parents did this. Very rapidly it absolutely crashed; we did do a round of IVF that didn't work and it became obvious he wasn't at all prepared for it not to work, and he had no realistic ability to cope with the emotions around it.

I really cannot get across how much it knocked me for six. I'm sure some of it has to do with no having really processed ex-P leaving, and the fact that the way it fell apart was particularly nasty and messy. But also, I'd taken a huge risk. I lost my job; I am still horribly sad about the way it happened, and it hollowed out my life because I'd thrown so much into that job. I'd been living and breathing it, because it took me away from feeling so lonely and sad.

I picked myself up. I am 41 so I do not have time to waste; I did IVF on my own and am nearly 7 months pregnant, which is wonderful and I am so thankful. I spent the past year working like a demon and I have begun to build up two separate strands of a freelance career that look, tentatively, reasonably successful. I qualify for maternity allowance and have some savings, and clients who are happy to wait for me to come back after the baby. I've had my DD 50/50 all the way through and she is the absolute light of my life. So, lots of things are actually good, and I keep trying to tell myself if I just work hard, I will soon feel stable in terms of a career again, and it will be ok.

And I want to build up a good social circle again. I am doing the 'right' things - I've booked NCT classes; I'm going to a pregnancy exercise class and the women seem very nice; I am trying to be outgoing. But I feel as if there's a huge block. I can't seem to trust people and I shy away. I used to find it so easy to make friends and find people I just 'clicked' with. Partly this is because the work I did pre-DD was a career where people just are very friendly (I have many good friends through this work, but spread about the country!). I find that I'm isolated - I don't want to move, but it's a place where I don't fit in quite so naturally - and I think I really am just too battered to be good at being outgoing. The very negative side of me thinks I must be an absolutely awful, catastrophic person to have got myself into this situation, and that doesn't help. I don't want to whinge or be a downer - I used to bounce around feeling really excited about life! - and I'm worried I have got off-puttingly down.

What the heck do I do to pull myself out of this? If you got this far, phew! Thank you.

It doesn't sound that bad(not trying to minimise what your saying). You have a great dau50/50 your own darling baby arriving soon and ppl at work who sound appreciative and supportive. You are being very hard on yourself, when you should be being kind.
Everyone makes bad judgements and mistakes, you cannot control how ppl are or predict how they will act in different circumstances. The time to draw a line under the past is now and start looking forwards to your best life. Good luck.💕

Thank you.

I never know quite how to explain it TBH. I don't have people at work at all, that's part of it. My former colleagues (from before DD was born) were and are lovely, but the job I lost a year ago, I have just lost. It makes me really lonely. I don't miss my ex - it was the right thing to split up - but I am horribly sad that I poured so much money and effort into that relationship when DD was a baby, and I am on my own now, and I just feel cheated. And I was so excited that I thought I'd found a solution, and someone who would co-parent with me and also be supportive, and I was so badly wrong. I miss him horribly, and I miss the buzz of that job, and feeling I had this lovely quasi-family.

I know I need to draw a line under it, and I am trying, but I don't know how to get out there. I don't know how to trust people. Because I feel as if I made such a stupid mistake trusting my ex. I just believed her, and financially it was pretty awful (aside from anything else). And I honestly thought that not jumping into another relationship, but trying co-parenting with someone I'd known as a friend for years, was not a stupid idea. And it really, really was! So I feel both as if I've got this giant beacon over my head saying 'disaster! do not engage!' to people, and I find it hard to imagine meeting friends who won't turn out to hurt me.

I know "Get therapy" seems trite, but I think that might be your best best here. I see some major boundary issues in your post. The one that stood out the most was:

"My boss had known me and DD for years at this point, from before I worked for him. He's a gay man most of a generation older than me. I saw him as a friend as well as a boss and he encouraged that. About 8 months after DP and I split (and in retrospect I was still reeling) he chatted to me about whether I'd have another baby on my own. He'd been open about being sad he'd never had children. So we decided to try IVF togther. Initially it looked incredibly exciting; he said all the right things; I started figuring out how other gay co-parents did this. Very rapidly it absolutely crashed; we did do a round of IVF that didn't work and it became obvious he wasn't at all prepared for it not to work, and he had no realistic ability to cope with the emotions around it."

Your boss was completely and utterly inappropriate here, if not to say indictable. He was your BOSS, he was in a position of power over you, and he wanted to have a kid with you! And then it went sour and now you are paying the economic price.

You are right to feel distrust, because what he did was unacceptable.

And your ex sounds horrible too.

You're about to be the sole parent of your little one. You and that child will be a family. You can't afford anymore to be a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. You can't afford anymore to swim oceans for people who wouldn't jump over a puddle for you. You can't afford anymore to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Therapy will help you find boundaries that will keep you and your LO safe. It might also help you find people you really can trust.

Thanks @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta. I did get some (very helpful) therapy while it was all falling apart; it was hugely helpful and did let me see a lot of the patterns you're describing. I look back and feel so guilty because I ignored the red flags. I just didn't see them because my brain was on 'well, we were friends, and we're both gay, so the complications around relationships don't apply and it'll be fine'.

At the time, I initially assumed I would have to leave that job; I thought it was an obvious thing, and he was the one pushing me to stay, which I should have seen was such a red flag.

I am trying to be better at being self-sufficient and keeping boundaries, and my therapist has given me lots of helpful strategies. But I'm still struggling with letting anyone in - I keep feeling as if I've got to not get close to anyone or rely on anyone, and it stops me from making even quite simple kinds of social contact. Does that make sense?

For a start, you shouldn't feel guilty.* Relationships are hard, and one screws up! It's OK, and frankly inevitable, and also how one learns. And also it's so much more difficult when you're part of a minority - the "rules" aren't so clear.

"I am trying to be better at being self-sufficient and keeping boundaries, and my therapist has given me lots of helpful strategies. But I'm still struggling with letting anyone in - I keep feeling as if I've got to not get close to anyone or rely on anyone, and it stops me from making even quite simple kinds of social contact. Does that make sense?"

It sounds like you're being self-protective? You've been through some really difficult and painful relationships. Maybe you holding yourself back so strongly from forging new relationships is you finding boundaries against your OWN desire to immerse/lose yourself in personal relationships? Like boundaries against yourself? So you can recalibrate your true North?

It could actually be a healthy reaction.

I doubt that you'll be like this forever, otherwise you wouldn't be here :)

*ETA: and your boss is completely at fault in this situation: he was in a position of power, he should NEVER have gone there.

Thank you so much.

That's really helpful (and also really kind). Absolutely take your point about minorities/ 'rules'. I kept feeling that.

And that makes sense about needing to take some time. Maybe I just need to take a breath and accept it'll happen as it happens, and I won't always be lonely/I'm not messing things up by not ramping up my social life yet.

On MN, we often counsel women who have left abusive husbands to take some time on their own to learn who they are, to learn to like and find comfort in themselves, because that creates a foundation of self-respect and internal solidity that protects them from getting with another abusive man.

Your ex was at the least financially abusive and probably also mentally and emotionally abusive. And your boss 'friend' was reproductively abusive - I can't even find words for how bad what he did is.

So you've got to deal with a triple whammy, where a partner, a boss, and a friend have all been abusive to you. It makes sense to me that you need time to recover and focus on yourself, find your feet, build your own foundation. Your resistance to making new connections is likely your subconscious brain telling you this.

You're about to have your child, that likely adds to this resistance: you know deep down that you have to be strong for that baby, there can be no room for nonsense from users and abusers anymore.

I really don't think this will last forever. Your child will become a conduit for making contact with other parents and other people. In a few years time, your life will likely be busy as hell and full of connections that you may or may not choose to deepen, depending on what your gut tells you about them. (Listen to that gut).

OP, at risk of sounding like a total creep, I have noticed your MN posts now and then over the years as you write really well. So although you are a stranger, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling low. You are clearly very intelligent, oriented to others and seem to have so much going for you, and I very much doubt that others view you negatively as you suspect. You are reeling and these two events are looming in your consciousness right now, clouding out the new. It may feel as though it's going to be a long and uphill hike to simply get back to where you were, or as if you've now been let into what's behind the curtain which shields the uninitiated from what the world is really like. But I think often it just takes one or two really good, surprising, enlightening experiences with someone with a zest for life (and a kind heart) to set you on the right path again. Short-term pain may be all you need to get there! I am sure you have a huge amount to look forward to in life. And congrats on your pregnancy 😊 getting to this point is a big achievement.

PS. On making bad decisions - to be cynical, vigilant and detached would most likely entail making decisions which don't benefit you...

@SarahAndQuack, I remember you from other threads, years back (you won’t ’recognise’ me as I NC often), and you always struck me as a sane, likeable intelligent person. I agree with @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta that you should trust your instincts for now and not force yourself out there again too soon. I think you’re almost certainly temporarily hibernating after some horrible shocks, losses and betrayals, and that you should embrace this hiatus period of quiet to heal, and know that you’re not dooming yourself to perennial solitude by not forcing yourself to be social before you’re ready.

Newborns are head wrecking at the best of times, and having your baby alone this time may well bring up difficult memories of your ex giving birth to your daughter and sharing the newborn stage last time, and the failure of the IVF and breakdown of relations with your boss (who behaved appallingly.) Time enough for a social life in a few months. Do you have a birth partner and solid support from old friends, even if they’re at a distance?

I should also say that I seem to remember you’d been an academic at some point? I made some dopey decisions in recent years too and lost the academic career I’d thrown everything into, lost my confidence and withdrew from the world to the point where I see almost no one. I am only just starting to feel like I might, if not be out the other side, then at least see what the other side might look like. I decided not to override my own instincts to stay quiet and not push myself for a bit.

Very best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

Thank you so much, that's really, really kind. And reassuring!

YY, I keep feeling as if I'm very naive and I needed to be more cynical, and yet I don't hugely want to be, so I appreciate what you say.

I really do have lots to look forward to; I'm absolutely not ungrateful (especially about the baby). I think I just need a bit more faith that it'll be ok and I am doing the right things.

Thank you very much. That's really helpful - yes, ok, I will lean in to my instincts a bit more.

I do have support from my old friends - they're great. I don't have a birth partner; I think it's something where I'd rather be on my own, but I think I will be ok.

And yes! You remember right. I bet you did not make 'dopey' deicisions TBH - I know the whole thing can be so complicated and I don't want to pry into your circumstances, but ... well, goodness, academia is just such a bin fire at the moment, isn't it?! I am very conscious that even if I'd put my foot down with my ex and prioritised my career at various points, I might well have ended up getting out of academia and it would probably have been the right thing. I'm watching former colleagues constantly up for redundancy or having endless extra work pushed onto them, and it is very sad and frightening.

I'm so glad you're starting to feel as if you can see the other side. I hope it gets much better soon! And it's really heartening to hear from someone else who's in a bit of the same boat, so thank you for sharing that.