Last night when I was in bed with my husband, he was tickling me to sleep, as he often does. We had had a rough day as we had had a serious falling out the night before about a decision he made that really hurt me. Anyway, as he was tickling me I thought it was obvious that I was becoming a bit aroused. When he then made it clear he was done he could see I looked surprised and he got annoyed. Again, we had a bit of an argument as he likes things spelt out and I would prefer things were more natural and just flowed. No right or wrong there. The argument seemed to take a really bad turn when he said the he was close to divorcing me. In a bit of shock I said that was ok and I wanted it too. I don't know why I said this as I don't(or at that point didn't) feel that way. He then started calling me a horrible bitch amongst many other things. I didn't reply much by this stage as it was clear he was getting very wound up. He stood up out the bed and put his dressing gown on and said he wouldn't be back in the room till I left. However, he kept calling me names and then, very very suddenly, he jumped on top of me trapping me between his arms and his face was only a few inches from mine. I was lying in my side so one arm was stuck and the other was free. He shouted(but in a quiet evil way) at me for what seemed like over a minute but then something he said made me snap and I pushed him off of me and tried to slap him. I missed but he used this as an opportunity to start grabbing my wrists(which he knows I hate) and I kept trying to fight him off. I tried to bite him several times but didn't manage to. He was relentless. Eventually he got off and left abs I sat there in shock. Initially the only pain I felt was what felt like a burst lip, but when I looked at it it looks ok. Today though both my wrists are bruised.
I am angry that I was the first to try to hit and I know this is how he will see it. I have told him before that if he traps me or shouts in my face that this is the very likely reaction that I would have. For this reason the shame involved on my part, I cannot tell anyone. I doubt I would anyway. But this is not normal, is it? I have forgiven him for similar things quite a few times before because he cannot handle his emotions. He blames ADHD. However, he manages to control himself around everyone else so I just don't accept this. He is not an easy person and will not move out even if that is beat for me and our child. Our child(late teens) was in bed and didn't hear anything as our house is fairly big. I locked myself in another bedroom and left for work. Without seeing him. He has not been int ouch with any apology and has also blocked me on what's app. Probably not relevent but be have been married 20 years, both professionals and to the outside world a very reserved couple. Please give me honest advice as I value what I read on here. I am struggling and done have anyone.