Would dating much younger men at 48 be unfair to them?

[hazelnutchoc]

I am 48 and after splitting amicably from my ex of 22 years a few years ago I have mostly been happily single. I did try online dating and I hated it. Then I reconnected with an old university friend who I had had a failed relationship with back then, he'd improved a lot with age and got his act together in many ways but I don't think he's cut out for relationships and commitment at least not with me and so we are now just friends.

I've just been living my life pretty quietly, doing what I enjoy and thinking if I meet someone I meet someone if not that's also fine. I have met some guy I like and who like me but they are all just a lot younger than would be ideal or I am too old. I have met three men between the ages of 34 and 36. One guy at the gym I go to, another is an assistant manager at my local supermarket and another is a man I usually bump into when I walk an elderly neighbours dog and also just walking about the local area. Two of them have asked me out directly and the other gave me roses at Valentines day so I think they do like me at least somewhat.

They are all obviously a lot younger than me and that is the real spanner in the works. I mean maybe they don't want kids and are happy to spend a few years with someone a lot older but also it feels like by taking up with one of them I'd be acting as a blocker to them finding someone they could start a life with. I am not even sure any of them know my actual age, I am sure they can tell my approximate age. On online dating I had a lot of interest from younger which I am sure was mostly guys sniffing around for sex only.

I mean this is what the universe is giving me, these younger guys and I hear its the same for lots of women my age. What do I do? Just go for it and see what happens?

You’re overthinking it - life is so short so have fun and go with the flow!

'unfair to them'

Imagine this was the other way around.

What man would ever say that???

Take age out of it ... whoever is sweeter than your solitude spend time with them.. life is too short❤️

Go for it OP, just be upfront about your age and what you want and let them decide if its right for them.

As and aside though how do you do it, I'm 44 and single and all I get asked out by is men in their 60s. I'd love to meet a man in his mid-late 30s

Would you feel the same if the genders were the other way around?

No reason why you can’t go on date/s with them and decide later what you want from it / long term.

I have no idea to be honest! It just seems to be who I meet and who goes out of their way to talk to me.

Well good for you, genuinely. Have some fun, as long as you're on the same page with a guy then age doesn't come in to it (unles it's the guy out celebrating his 65th birthday that asks for your number 😒)

@OhFeyreDarling Well if I encounter anymore 35 year olds I'll send them your way! I do think loads of guys that age seem to like women in their 40's so its just a matter of actually meeting them I think!

Enjoy it. My husband is 12 years younger than me and we’ve been together for 17 years xx

Just make sure you don't end up with a Gold Digger or Lothario.

I'd exchange numbers if you don't have a favourite suitor...the next stage is screening them all by text.

See how they are with actually arranging a date.

You may find they don't get round to arranging a date properly or send you dodgy late night messages

or admit they have a partner or chat up loads of women to get a hookup :-O.

(When I temped in a supermarket several of the male managers were partnered up but always shamelessly chatting up pretty customers!)

Often these things can fizzle out even before the first date happens. It's nothing to do with age.

Don't obsess over it but see if you can get surnames so you can do a quick search on social media, Google can show electoral records to see if they have a partner living with them.

Take things slow and don't be afraid to ask questions. See how they make you feel and if you fit into each others schedules.

Keep expectations low but also just drop them if there's any undesirable behaviour like only wanting last minute meets. Again, age is irrelevant.

If the interest is serious and sincere they'll be happy to respect your boundaries and contact and meeting will feel effortless.

You already have physical interest so that's the first stage, only time can tell the next stage.

If you stay open and go with the flow for a bit you'll probably bump into some issues...

Hopefully some good dating experiences though, and maybe one of them will end up a boyfriend!

I was 44 when I met my 30 year old dp, age is just a number, all of his friends were in relationships with older women, his best friend's partner was 58 & he was 42. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, it is what you & any potential new partner think.

If these 30-something men were wanting to start a family, they wouldn’t be pursuing a 48 year-old such as you, at least not for something long-term.

I’d be more worried about the opposite, that they may see you as suitable for a short-term fling, but not want anything serious as they’re actually holding out for someone younger:

I think it’s naive to think age isn’t a factor….

Yes, there are some long-term relationships where the woman is substantially older than the man, and whereas there’s
nothing wrong with that they are very rare (MN threads always self-select - for instance, read some threads and you’d think the average salary was £200k!)

I’m afraid I think it’s much more likely that these 30-something guys are just looking for a shag or two than a long-term commitment. If you’re ok with that then fine… there’s a chance one or other of them might want more, but go into this with your eyes open!

Do you think 48 yr old men worry about dating women in their mid 30s? Of course not. They would probably congratulate themselves! Enjoy it. You’re not hiding your age or deceiving anyone.

I don't think a woman can really waste a man's time (in relation to getting married and having children). The 35 year old could easily date you for 5-7 years +, then decide he wants kids. He'd simply ditch you and find an early 30s wife, and it would be quite easy.

I'm in a bit of a similar situation, I'm 40 and dating a man who is only two years younger but who doesn't have kids.

If anything, I'm the one taking the risk because if and when he breaks up with me, he'll easily find someone else but it would be much harder for me. The best chance I have to find a long term relationship is now, not when I'm 5 years older. Maybe that applies to you as well.

When I was single I found that men about 10 years younger than me were the most interested. Some had already got children though...

Yeah I do think its a thing, it isn't unique to me. I'm not sure how it lasts to be honest but I think there is legitimate attraction to older women mixed up with those who just think we'll be an easy or grateful lay.

I think some younger men (and they are not that young) do like slightly older women, there's no pregnancy risk (although be careful at 48!) and they are less likely to need to have 'The Talk' about kids and marriage very early on. That said, some of these men seem very Peter Pan like to me and a bit stuck in emotional terms, so whilst they are definitely fitter than many men in their fifties, as a group they might have their own limitations. Everyone is individual though, and for every emotionally immature 40 year old, there's an emotionally immature 60 year old, and there's lots of men who simply want to bond, connect and have a relationship with someone they fancy- and if that's you, why not?

I must admit I would worry about my body, that's my own insecurity and lack of attention to it, so for me, being with someone similarly aged is reassuring, but I don't think that's as much an issue for them as for me.

I did think this through when I started dating as I also noticed this was a 'thing' nowadays.

I dated a really nice guy for about a year when I was 47/48. He was 7/8 years younger. On the one hand he was paranoid about getting me pregnant but later on admitted he’d like kids. I sort of treated him a bit badly after that, kind of casually, as I knew ultimately it wasn’t serious. It’s a real pity though as we got on well and had I been the right age for kids we would probably be together now.

Do you like kids and want them? You could use donor eggs if you both really want kids and the man is ok with that.

My mum has been married to my stepdad for years and he’s 10 years younger so yes it works. No kids though.

That’s not true, my younger ex did want this, he just hadn’t met the right woman in his 30s.

I just don't think it can work well for you unless you want...not much. DS 31 has been dating a lady of 41 for two years. He will never marry her. He will never be step dad to her children and he doesn't want children with her. How come I know this and she doesn't?? He has told her enough times but as they get on well, she doesn't believe him. I want to shake her, but that's not allowed!

If he really knows that and she doesn't believe it the gentlemanly thing to do would be to walk away... He's using her

I think it is case dependent to be honest, I know of some long term relationships where the woman is significantly older and if does work although as with all relationships they aren't without problems. But I take your point, however many women will be messed around like this by men with no intention of committing to them at any age. I had plenty of friends like that in that position in their 20's and 30's.