Online dating is a mess!

[Amh17]

Hi Ladies,

hope you are all well.

Just wanted to reach out for moral support.
I have been single for 8 years. Starting trying to date over the last 4 years- met some people who just was not right for me!

over the last few months, I have met two people, one (M, 45- single about 8 months out of a 18 year relationship) who wanted it all relationship the lot, communication was consistent, all the time. my boundaries were known and in place. We went out on a date, for a good 5-6 hours and arranged a 2nd that evening, - few days later I was accidentally texted a message for someone else who he was also dating at the same time (unknown to me). He apologised and said he wants us to make a go of it, arranged another date for the week after. Communication wasn’t the same anymore and seemed off, so I told him- he read my message and then blocked me ( with no cause)

recently, I thought I would try again… matched with divorced 51, been single for a few years) looking to settle down and relationship. Spoke every day over the last few weeks, suggested to meet for a coffee yesterday. He Drove over an hour to meet. Spent time chatting about a lot of things. As he was leaving suggested to meet again over the Easter holidays, he was happy to travel here again, I accepted and said we will arrange something and I could maybe meet him half way.

an hour later, I got home and noticed he has blocked me as I messaged saying I hope you got back safely, and thank you for the tea.

just feel so hurt because why do people block and not just be honest!! Why in both cases suggest more etc and then disappear! I understand not everyone is for someone but it just feels like another rejection.

You have to have thick skin to go OLD. Don't take anything personally. In both cases you've dodged a bullet.

I gave up on OLD. I've gone back to clubs and activities to meet people. Infinitely more fun even if I don't meet anyone, and people tend to be more courteous in real life.

Thank you for your responses. I just don’t get some men! I even tried speed dating that was just as bad. Definitely going to widen my circles socially. Just difficult when I am a single parent and work full time, with minimal support.

Been single for 6 years. Ive tried online dating in first couple of years of being single. Its soul destroying at the least and makes you feel shit about yourself if you don't have the skin of a rhino. I decided 4 years ago to leave dating apps altogether and if someone is meant for me then I'll find them organically out and about at some point. Its not worth your peace op.

People will block you, and you will block them. It's simpler, since technically, we're strangers. They don't owe you any explanation. Usually, it's not about you... Maybe they're involved elsewhere, or you think you're too good for them. The reasons are endless.

Move on and don't take it personally. You'll kiss a few frogs, but it can be enjoyable. I've met some oddities, some truly wonderful people, and I'm seeing someone I've been involved with for over a year.
I am not terrified of being alone, so that helps. I am quite blunt about what I want. So that weeded out the crazies.

Yes I am the same. I state from the off what I am looking for. No ONS/Casual etc, so people know from the start.

I just don’t get the full on ways of some people and all the things they do or say….then disappear.

I enjoy being on my own, but also would like to meet someone at this point of my life.

The definition of insanity if trying OLD over and over again expecting different results.

Somehow the human population has continued for thousands of years without OLD. It amazes me how many think it's OLD or nothing.

thank you everyone for your time and comments.

I am being more sociable than I was and widening my circles in person, just used OLD as it was convenient for my life over the last few years.

i will be fine, because I always am. I know I have clearly dodged some people who clearly don’t have the same relationship goals as I do.

With OLD it really is a numbers game. My impression of OLD over approx 4 years (late 40s) is really positive. I've been on tonnes of great dates and had 2 actual relationships, one of which is still going strong! But within those dozens of conversations and dates I've been ghosted 3 times, it does happen but it's a tiny proportion of my overall OLD experience. I believe you get out what you put in and I come with a lot of openness, honesty and energy and if someone's not a good match I tell them promptly and politely and move on. Maybe I've been lucky but on the whole that intent has been mirrored by guys I've met. That said I'm hugely picky and I've learnt the red flags / lazy approaches to avoid.

I’m not really sure what they did wrong op. Neither owed you anything after one date. Only the equivalent of starting to chat to someone at a bar, and then them saying no thanks.

If you're looking for a relationship then OLD is not the only way to find one.
I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'm on OLD, I socialise, I'm in groups, and I smile at attractive people. All very nonchalant and I think that's the best way.

But also - regarding them being honest. Do you really want to hear the reason they’re not interested? I’m not sure I would! Blocking/nice message to say they’re not interested/honest but insulting message to detail precisely why they’re not interested - all essentially amount to the same thing. They’re not interested.

I think you have to be realistic that online dating makes it very easy for people to ghost. It’s not a nice thing to do, and anyone with a bit of decency could just say they’re not interested, no explanation needed, a simple “no thanks” is enough.
But the reality is, a lot of people don’t do that, and it can make others feel disposable.

I also think so much of it comes down to luck.
I’m really clear about what I’m looking for, I’ve learned who to filter out, and I bring good energy, but I still meet very few men. In the last 2½ years, I’ve met around eight, and none have turned into anything beyond a few dates. Meanwhile, some people seem to have constant options and regular dates.
You have to learn not to take that personally and find a way to handle the rejection.

For me, it’s about putting myself out there because I don’t believe romance will just find me. Whether that’s through apps or meeting people in real life doesn’t seem to make much difference. If anything, my worst dating experiences were with people I met offline.

At the end of the day, I’ve just learned to back myself as much as I can, brush myself off and keep going.

I guess you’re not single or if you’re single you’re not looking to date as you don’t seem to understand the realities of dating in this day and age.

Yes, the population has continued for thousand of years without OLD, but that doesn’t mean old ways of dating would be suitable today. I really don’t think that turning up at your neighbour’s door asking for their son’s/ daughter’s hand in marriage in return to 2 cows and 10 sheep would go down well!

You say ‘insanity is trying OLD over and over’ and I say ‘it’s a number’s game’. I met close to 200 men via OLD until I met my excellent DP!

Dont give up, Op!

I gave up on online dating felt like all man after one thing. So I had stiff talk with myself. Well I should have some fun too then. After being single foe many years and all thw disaster online dating i signed up on only sex site. And tovmy surprise I found my true lov2 there ...how strange but true. I almost gave up for looking for nide guy then my who is my boyfriend now for 2 years came along four years ago. First two years we had fun and then we kind of jumped in relationship and two years on we moved together as well. The one comes along when you stop looking i been told never believed to that but yes its true . So maybe stop looking and the right one will come in right time ☺️

It’s not just online dating
years ago people ghosted changed their mind went with others behind your back. OLD just gives some people more of a sweet shop mentality where they feel entitled to fill their boots to whatever boosts their ego. They seem to think because it’s online it’s not actually a human with feelings

So grow a pair and say that. Ghosting is pathetic

It sounds awful. I totally get why a lot of singles don't bother dating, unless they had a time travel device to a time where it was normal to actually talk to someone to ask them out. Can't stand the thought of dating being like a job application/interview, which is what all my friends say it is-and that's the best case scenario.
Are there any IRL mixers near you, maybe?

To be fair, in the past, women wouldn't have been given the chance to be as a selective as they were so financially dependent on men, and they would have had to pick someone from their village / town / parish. Were most of them happy? I imagine they probably weren't and a good deal would have lived utterly miserable lives, stuck in marriages they couldn't get out of.

Thanks for your comment. For me what they did wrong was the accountability of what they had done or said - yes foolish of me to believe or give them benefit of the doubt on their word but it’s still a crappy way to just ignore someone when they said otherwise

Thank you everyone who commented. It’s just not a nice place to be in, ghosting or ignoring someone when I had been transparent and clear what I wanted from the start including my boundaries. Clearly these men was not worth my time or energy and all I can do is move on and to better!

So the only way to meet someone outside of your town is via OLD?!?

Again I am just staggered at the lack of imagination and reluctance to try anything other than OLD.

The positive about OLD is it’s a large pool of supposedly single men, it’s easier than socialising. However there is the blocking, I’ve been on dates on the past, they weren’t for me so I gently let the person know over text then I suppose I blocked them once they responded ect and it was done. I met my partner on OLD after a year of casual dating. We’ve been together nearly 6 years. I think it’s horrible when you think you’ve connected with someone, they give you false signals then block.

No of course not. Not disputing that, but just saying that if you're talking about the past, women may have appeared to have been able to select men in 'real life' but that may not have been a positive choice, more like they just had to pick someone.

I wouldn’t - everyone always says this, but when it comes down to it I certainly wouldn’t want a brutally honest explanation from a near stranger 😂

Although ofc it could be any number of reasons and may not even be about someone as an individual. Maybe I’m just a coward though as I would prefer someone to simply vanish. The fact they have done so IS the answer and agonising over it is fruitless.