Tell me why I shouldn't walk out now. Please.

[OrmIrian]

DH and I are going through a very sticky patch. Have been for about a year. We keep trying to get things back on track but life/events/DCs seem to get in the way. It's easier if he isn't around - I prefer it if he goes out. He constantly snaps at me and the DCs. He's become a real authoritarian, rarely has anything positive to say - particularly to my eldest DS. Camping at the weekend was hellish for a variety of reasons but mainly because he was in a such a foul mood - everytime anyone asked him to do anything he rolled his eyes and snapped at them, or did it very reluctantly. The only person he's nice too is our youngest, or sometimes me if we are alone together.

I've had a really stressful time at work recently and DD and I have had a strained few months which has made me really unhappy. His attitude is always 'ffs get a grip and don't be so stupid' which isn't helpful. Isn't he supposed to offer sympathy and support?

I've lost a lot of weight recently and been getting fitter. I've bought new clothes and basically been trying to counteract my feeling of being middle-aged and unattractive. His response to that is to ask me if I'm having an affair . The first few times I took it as a joke but he keeps saying it.

I now feel as if the only connection between us is the DCs and nothing else. He's given up smoking which I know is hard and maybe he's a bit depressed (we've both been there before) but he won't talk to me about anything emotional - just shuts down and dismisses anything I say. I've reached the point where I don't want to mention anything about how I feel to him. It's not worth it.

I rang him just now to ask when he was coming home as I need to go shopping because our online delivery didn't arrive. He shouted at me along the lines of 'so you're going to leave me with the DCs the moment I walk in the door?' (probably to do with wanting to sit and watch the football without being disturbed). Right now I'm sitting here dreading his coming home. Because apart from the fact he'll be miserable I will have to face again the increasingly undeniable fact that I simply don't love him anymore. We've been together for 20+ years and we've seen each other through so many crises. I just feel as if I've been worn down. This isn't right is it? If I could press a button and be a year down the line, living apart and all the chaos sorted out I'd do it.

If you have been, thanks for reading. Feels better just saying it all.

I did wonder that littlefrogs. Or a worry about one. His dad (who was a selfish bastard imo) died of cancer and I know that DH thinks about it a lot - he was only about 5 years older than DH when he died.

sparkle - We get a few hours out on Tuesday when my mum can sit for us. Perhaps then. I think it would be a shock to him. We've muddled along for so long now.

A shock might be just what he needs.

The reason you shouldn't walk out is that you will always have a relationship with this man as he's the father of your children.

There does get a stage when you feel like you are beaten (mentally), and please don't think this is being flippant, but it sounds like a good break would be a good idea. Vacation perhaps - you and the kids? Been meaning to visit any relatives?

You need space that isn't muddled by dark clouds!

My guess is that he has no idea that his behaviour is soooo unreasonable, and much less idea that you are thinking of a parting of the ways.

Can you secretly record him, on an ordinary evening/weekend interacting with the family?

Then, when you and he are alone, tell him that he treats you and the kids badly. Let him listen to 10 mins or so of the tape. Ask him if he thinks that is a reasonable way to talk to you and the kids.
Ask him if he knows how much it upsets you. Does he want the kids to look back on their childhood, remembering that dad had no patience or time for them.
See how he reacts.
Maybe he does need you tell him that you can't put yourself and the kids thru it anymore, and he may need to absent himself for their sake.

Orm, I've only read your OP but please read this:-

When did he give up smoking?

I think it's maybe key to his current frame of mind. Smoking is a natural anti-depressant. When you quit, you effectively come off a drug with anti-depressant properties. The drug has kept his 'depression' or moods disguised for years. What you are seeing now is a person with huge withdrawal symptoms and it can take a few years to over come it.

The only way to counter-act it is replace with an actual anti-depressant or a herbal alternative such as HTP-5/St John's Wort.

Let me see if I can find the info which first alerted me to this. Back in a bit.

Taken from a communication I had with someone I know. These are her words, not mine:-

When I was at this stage of quitting, I became really depressed and would cry at everything. This was spectacularly unlike me. through lots of reading and posts and research i found out that nicotine was a very strong antidepressant. Nobody had told me that!

What I was experiencing was chemical. i was still doing really well in my quit and this was out of my control. Once I knew that, it was easier. the very reason that zyban works for some people is because it works on that part of the brain. It is an antidepressant which has a side effect of you not wanting to smoke.

I used strong St John's wort and 5htp. These can't be taken by everyone. Check out the drug interactions and if on any medication then ask your doctor. The difference they made to me was great and I was myself again.

It doesn't happen to everyone but if you're feeling down at this stage expecially in the winter it's probably chemical, don't give up your quit. you are doing brilliantly. Get out in the day when it's not grey and wet that is and get some sunlight, use st johns wort or 5htp or a light box or anything that makes you feel better!

doodle - that is interesting. He's been like this on and off for a while but then he has been trying to quit on and off for a while. I might just mention this as a possibility before I say anything else. I'd love this to be the problem. He used to be such a different man. Thanks.

wouldn't dismiss it - addictions can be powerful.

But, while it's good to be able to find a reason behind his appalling behavior, in my opinion, the reason needs to come from him in order to get a turnaround.

In other words, he needs to be the one to make the discovery as there may other issues going on.

You need to think about YOU and the kids rather than finding reasons his behavior.

Couldn't you try the approach, '... I miss the old you...' rather than get into a confrontation? Or how about, ' what happened to the old us?....

I am absolutely not suggesting that the aggression comes from you, but it may open the door to what he has been going through? Just an idea...

I know lovemydog. But it seems such an easy solution right now. I have often thought he is behaving like I do when I have bad PMT - but that lasts a day or so not all month But if it is withdrawal symptoms it might explain a lot.

And sods law dictates that tonight he behaved like a total star! DD disappeared. She is allowed to go the park (just behind the house) with her friends - rules are that she stays in the park or comes home. Tonight I went to get her and she wasn't there. Scoured the streets. DS#1 went out on his bike to look too. Finally found her sloping back into the park - she'd been to a friend's house. I ranted and screamed at her (well I had been in total terror for 30 mins) but DH was perfect - he told her calmly what she had done wrong and that she wouldn't be allowed out alone for a week as a punishment. He gave me a hug and calmed me down. Great in a crisis.... just not the rest of the time.

Wow - that must have been scary!

I wasn't trying to be judgemental, but that if he is going to change, it needs to come from him, and realize there is a problem in the first instance.

My partner can be very moody, but I can also be very sensitive about his moods instead of just ignoring them (and I am not suggesting that your DH's behavior is in any way your fault...)

You will get through this....

Your point about having lost weight and made an effort physically, with him then asking if you're having an affair makes me wonder if he's worrying about it as a real option, and that's why he's getting so angry - because he's scared.

Sounds like you're all under quite a lot of stress. Hope you manage to resove it calmly.

xxx

This might sound naff and not be feasible, but do you ever get time away together, just the two of you? I have felt like walking away many times from my marriage, it seems to be a constant battle and round of negotiation. I really thought there was nothing much left between us - then had a weekend away with my husband for my 40th (which he organised, very out of character!) Away from the children/house/sniping/bitching, we were just like we were years ago. Didn't do anything glam or exciting, but sat around in cafes, watching life go by, reading the papers, going for walks and chatting. I was amazed to find that we do still like each other!! We're now back to the day to day hassle and had a nice row tonight, but are both aware that there is still something there. Might be worth a try?

Do you do much together, Orm? Just you and DH being grown ups without worrying about being responsible parents?

It could be that he's worried as well, but his way of dealing with being worried is to withdraw. My DH is just like this. In fact in many ways I could have written your post.

I think sometimes dealing with a husband is like dealing with a toddler. They're behaving really badly, and so you want to be cross with them - but what works (even though you have to grit your teeth through it all) is a lot of carrot instead of the big stick.

Thankyou everyone.

biwi - we do get the occassional night out just for a few hours. Not often but perhaps once every couple of weeks and it does help. Problems is that when he's like he has been I find it very difficult to get enthusiastic about it.

costa - some friends offered to take the DCs for a weekend but somehow it never materialised. There is also the cost factor - was a bit at the cost of even a B&B for 2 nights. Money is another issue in our household especially atm.

truly - that is what really worries me. I did have a very brief 'fling', for want of a better word many many years ago. I was very ashamed and angry at myself and made sure we never say each other again. I didn't tell DH at the time and I don't see how he could have found out. But I can't help wondering if he does know..

I know Orm - but then it becomes a vicious circle. It's a constant thing - - women want to feel loved before they have sex, men want sex to feel loved.

You are quite right biwi. But I feel like I've been making an effort for so long now. I don't want to have to treat DH like another child - I've got 3 of them already. I know that sounds unsympathetic but I am so fed up with more or less constant one-way traffic. He can be vile to everyone all week and then the night we are going out ask me what underwear I'll be wearing and I'm supposed to feel enthusiastic

Yes - they just don't get it, do they?!

Friend of mine had tell her DH that if he bought her sexy underwear it wasn't a present for her but was a present for him Not sure he ever really got that either!

Ah the underwear thing is an ongoing issue. I have told him directly that I don't want it, I have tried telling him that I have enough undies to last the rest of my life, I make comments along the lines of 'it must cost a fortune all this stuff' but to no avail. I love flowers. He knows I love flowers. I just love getting a beautiful bunch of flowers but it never happens. Anniversaries, mothers day, Valentines day... nadda, not so much as a petal. But without fail some bloody knickers! It's almost comic really.

I might start buying him presents for me in self-defence

Then I think you just need to tell him rather than hinting.

Say quite bluntly - before an event - "please don't buy me any underwear. I have told you before that I don't want it and would prefer something for me rather than something that is for your tastes and gratification".

I know it's easy to say, but it does sound like your relationship is at some kind of crossroads, and therefore you need to be more open about this kind of thing rather than just festering about it.

some great ideas on here

i was going to add - the cost of a night or two away is tiny compared to the cost of divorce/separation etc - you NEED to spend fun time together just the two of you to bring a bit of enthusiasm and happiness back in to your lives

it sounds as if he is unhappy too and you have all got yourselves in a rut. It is going to take effort to break some patterns and bring some fresh enthusiasm back in to the marriage. A positive private conversation in a nice place is a good start and as suggested be positive rather than criticise. relate is meant to be good too.