Feeling trapped in relationship, parenting alone and struggling financially and emotionally

[Onedayatatime21]

I’m so lost. I feel like my whole life I’ve been on defense or taking care of someone. Feel like the lack of parenting i had has culminated into this prison I’ve been in for 25 years. It’s as if my mother’s bad decisions have turned into my consequences. I feel so stuck and all bc I want to put my kids first always but I’m drowning in the worst way possible with no outlet or way to get help or unburying myself from all this financial and emotional turmoil.
Their father just stays in a room all day while I have to deal with the day to day and my own fulltime job I can’t pay for everything on my own anymore and it’s been so hard to find another job and I no one is the wiser bc I’m soo ashamed that this is what my life has turned into. I feel like such a failure.

Really sorry that you are feeling like this OP. Can you explain a little more about what is happening to get some practical suggestions?

How old are your DC? Do you have any support from other friends/family members?

It's a really positive step that you have written this post and reached out for support

Sorry to read you are struggling OP. You say no one knows of your situation and you have no help so well done for sharing on here, it's the first step. Do you have a friend or relative that you trust and could confide in? That might help you feel a little lighter. If not then could you have some counselling to help you see a way forward? Please don't feel ashamed, everyone needs help sometimes.

How old are the dc? Is their dad not working or contributing at all?

Obviously your husband either has mental health issues and he is also deeply unhappy or you always knew him like this and now has become unbearable. Sometimes staying together for the kids is counterproductive. If you have kids older than 18 they need to work at least part time. Even if they are at university full time. Do not let your self get ill over your situation. I know so many friends who are suffering after their sacrifices. Start untangling the situation.

Is their father ill so unable to work, is he planning to get help and start contributing.

If you want to end the relationship start making a plan, don't leave it or put it off. It won't go away. Do you have a relative you can go and stay with, with the kids ? Either go part time or give your notice in, just while you sort your living arrangements and kids out, once your back on your feet you can start looking for part time work.
If you don't start to put the wheels in motion you will still be in the same situation in 10 years time.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and the encouragement. My sons are 4,10,15,20. He wasn’t always this way, I think after COVID-19, he kind of turned into a hermit and he’s gained soo much weight. I think I’ve outgrown him while he’s stayed the same.
I don’t leave because of my own childhood trauma. I’m staying bc I’m doing what my mom never did for my siblings and I and it’s putting them first. Making sure they have a dad even though this one is only a dad at home.

An emotionally absent dad within the home will harm your dc. I would urge you to be very brave here and make the break up happen. There is really no point in you and he being together now.

Your kids would rather see a happy mother on a happy home because they do not really have either at orsssnt. Are you considering therapy re your abusive childhood?.

An emotionally absent dad within the home will harm your dc. I would urge you to be very brave here and make the break up happen. There is really no point in you and he being together now.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Your kids would rather see a happy mother on a happy home because they do not really have either at present. Are you considering therapy re your abusive childhood?.

Considering therapy for my current one. Honestly don’t know how I’m still going with the amount of verbal abuse. I’ve asked him to leave and he hasn’t and I just feel so stuck and like such a failure. It’s my home I don’t think it’s fair that I would have to find another place.

@Onedayatatime21 you are not happy . He isn’t being a dad. He puts nothing into the family .
Staying because your mother didn’t doesn’t means it’s the right choice . it doesn’t appear to be .
He can be removed by police if it’s your home and he won’t leave .
You have to sit him down and explain calmly it’s over and he has a month to find somewhere or he will be removed .

@Imbusytodaysorry wish it were that easy. I’m in NYC and here unless there’s physical abuse the police don’t get involved. I’ve asked him to leave and his response is always I’ll leave when I feel like it. Just seems his goal in life is to make my life miserable all while using the kids as the excuse he tells ppl on why he stays.

I don't know the laws where you are but what are the laws regarding removing a person from your property?
Are you married, and does marriage make all assets joint? Or are you rental but only your name on it?

Putting your children first does not mean staying with their father. It means considering their emotional, mental and physical needs. Seeing their father stay in his room all day isn't good for them. Seeing their mother slowly break whilst their father ignores everyone is not good for them. You need to find a way out for their sakes too.

Do you have anything that can offer general free advice regarding removing him or about your home such as the UKs Citizen Advice Bureau or Shelter?

As you are in NYC

Domestic and Gender-Based Violence Support
NYC 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-621-HOPE
Survivors of domestic violence may receive temporary housing, emergency shelter, and supportive services for themselves and their children. All programs provide a safe environment as well as counseling, advocacy, and referral services.
Domestic violence and abuse can include:

• Hitting, slapping, kicking, or using any other kind of physical violence against you
• Forcing you to have sex when you don't want to or to do sexual things you don't want to do
• Threatening to hurt you, your children, or someone else you care about or your pet
• Constantly insulting and criticizing you
• Stalking, obsessively checking-up on, or otherwise trying to control your behavior

If you or someone you know is experiencing this kind of behavior from a partner, please call New York City's 24-hour Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-621-HOPE.

Staying so the kids have a father at home - it may be different to what you had growing up, but I'm not sure it's better... He's disengaged from family life, he's verbally & emotionally abusive towards you. It's not a healthy environment for your dc and he's not a good male role model or father. Sticking it out isn't the best thing for children where there's abuse.

You're not able to give your dc the idealised nuclear family, however hard you try to stay in the relationship, because HE'S not doing his part. That doesn't make you your mother.

@everyone thank you so much for all your posts and encouragement and with the information you’ve provided. I will look into this and look for an out bc I agree, I feel like my kids are going to come and tell me why I stayed.