Apologies for the long post. I would really welcome some advice as I’m feeling incredibly sad and lonely tonight. I think, logically, I already know what many people might say—that I need to respect myself more and consider separating from my husband—but I’m struggling with that reality. I don’t want to break up my young family if it can be avoided. At the same time, I want my children to grow up seeing their mum being loved, and I don’t want them to think this is a normal or healthy relationship.
In many ways, I have a lovely life and feel happy in most areas. But there is one significant part that leaves me feeling deeply sad. I have been married for 11 years, and we have three young children together. My husband is, on the whole, a good father, and I do love him—but I cannot say the same about him as a partner. I feel unsupported, neglected, and disrespected. It often feels like we are simply co-parents and housemates. He can also be quite controlling at home and regularly criticises me. At times, I feel completely invisible to him.
I understand that some distance can be normal at this stage of life, especially with young children, but in our case there is almost no affection. The only exception is every few weeks when he tells me he wants sex. There is no real intimacy or foreplay, but I usually go along with it. Part of me hopes it might bring us closer, or that it reflects some kind of desire for me—especially as he tends to be slightly kinder beforehand.
Over the years, I have asked many times for more everyday physical affection and emotional connection, as both are very important to me. But nothing changes. Compliments are unheard of, and most of the time he is grumpy or short with me. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells, as though I am constantly irritating him.
I have tried to talk to him many times, but communication and empathy have never been strong in our marriage. I don’t feel heard. Conversations often escalate—he becomes defensive or aggressive, and it turns into an argument. I end up feeling overwhelmed, sometimes in tears, and needing to step away. After that, nothing is ever resolved. Over time, this has built into a deep sense of resentment and sadness.
There have also been times when I have tried to open up about worries or struggles in my life, only to be told that I should go to my friends for support instead of him. That has been incredibly hurtful and has left me feeling very alone in my marriage. There have been many other situations over the years that have tested and complicated our relationship, far too many to go into here.
Recently, I tearfully told him that I wasn’t even sure if he loved me anymore, given how distant and unaffectionate he is, and the fact that he never says it. I asked him to be honest about where I stand, because I don’t want to continue living like this. He didn’t respond, and I went to bed feeling heartbroken and unsettled.
I tried again tonight after a particularly tense and unhappy weekend and asked him directly if he still loved me. I explained that I felt counselling might help, but only if there was still love there to work with. His response was, “I’m still here, aren’t I?” When I said that didn’t answer my question, he replied, “There’s your answer,” and walked away.
Most of the time, I carry this sadness quietly and put on a brave face for friends, family, and especially for our children. But sometimes the hurt and frustration build up, and I react. If he makes a passive-aggressive comment, I might snap back and we argue. I don’t like who I am in those moments, and I hate that it sometimes happens in front of the children. They deserve a happy and secure environment. While we often manage to provide that, there are times when we fall short.
For the past few years, I have felt a growing sense of longing for love and connection. I can’t help but feel that I am too young to accept that this is all there is. At the same time, the thought of my children growing up between two homes is incredibly painful, and I would avoid that if I could.
There was a time when my husband truly enhanced my life. Now, it often feels like the opposite. I suspect he may feel similarly, and that perhaps we are both staying because it is easier from a practical point of view, rather than because we are genuinely happy together. I also want to acknowledge that I am far from perfect. I know I have my own flaws and a part to play in how we have reached this point.
I have often wondered whether he might be struggling with depression, as his character has changed so much over the years and he rarely seems happy—but he would never open up to me.
I feel that I may ultimately have no choice but to be brave enough to walk away. But in the short term, while we are still living together, I would really value any advice on how to handle things.
Thank you