Something feels off

[TeardropsInTheRain]

Hi I'm a long term member but have name changed so its not linked to previous threads of mine for identity.

Something feels off in my relationship and im not sure if I should end it im after advice on what you would do in this situation. Thank you to all in advance

Been with partner 5 years, 3 years ago we lived together for a year. There was a lot of unresolved trauma things didn't work out living together we each had kids from a previous relationship and mine has additional needs we both struggled with. So I moved back home to a different part of the country with no job, no home and yet we stayed together but there was a lot of hurt I had left my previous home sold all my possessions to move in with him, house was rented but i had spent thousands on doing it up and furniture etc. So I had to start from scratch and rebuild and have done so for past 2 years getting a new job etc. We meet up long distance and things are okay, great when we are together but distance is hard. He has asked me to again move closer to him meaning again leaving the home I have built, my job, my kids school etc. Kids dont see their dad so that's not an issue. The problem I have is that im scared, I feel like it puts me in a vulnerable position he wont move as wants to be close to family but what about my family? We aren't very close my family have a lot of issues but anything is better than nothing. The issues I have are also he discussed buying a house I could move down and rent somewhere near him. When I was last over visiting when looking for drawing paper for kids I found house sale deeds that he had put his family home he was living in (not his home another relatives he lived in rent free) up for sale, I felt hurt he hasn't told me as was discussing us moving closer together, anyway he had to tell me a month later when I was visiting only because there was a viewing. He said he would move bk with his mum. That's okay so roll on now he tells me the house sold again 1 month after it sold and messaged today to say hes put an offer on a house for himself his mum will pay deposit and mortgage etc. I'm hurt by this not because of the house but because he didn't even tell me he was looking at houses, he tells.me things like a month after they happen and doesn't discuss this. 2 weeks ago when on the phone he happened to say he had to go was looking at schools, im like what do u mean? Oh didn't I tell u im moving DC schools and they will be out within the month. All these small things which he doesn't feel the need to discuss or talk to.me about until have they happen hurt in a way and also make me weary of moving. Another example Is hes got a new job didn't tell me he was thinking of leaving or had even applied until he got the job and starts in 8 weeks. I guess I just feel like are we not really a couple if we dont discuss these things. He wants me to move to him, leave my home, possessions and family while he is always out seemingly looking out for number 1 and tells me about it all afterwards. I'm torn there is love there he is a good person but im so afraid of loosing everything again and starting from nothing what if it goes wrong 💔

I don't understand why you say he is a good person OP.

He expects you to disrupt your whole life so he can have the convenience of you being near at hand for him but he just lives his own life as he wants without including you in it or decisions.

You are not in an equal relationship. If indeed it fits the description of a relationship because it seems so one sided.

Please don't disrupt your DC's lives and your own again for this man. Don't be at his beck and call.

It doesn’t sound like you’re a priority. I wouldn’t be moving closer & I would be considering ending the relationship. It doesn’t seem that you’re as important to him as he is to you.

I absolutely would not be uprooting your children again and moving. It sounds like the relationship has run it's course, you're expected to make all the running and he hasn't factored you into his life and decision making at all. If I were you, I'd call it a day and get on with your life.

Stop moving you and your kids around to be a convenient bang for some guy who is putting zero energy into you. You're disrupting your kids' lives for what doesn't even sound like a relationship, much less a committed long term one.

There is commitment he travels to see me a lot as I have limited childcare and I'm greatful for that. I recently lost a child relative and he was so kind to me stayed with me for 4 days, went out of his way to get me special dietary foods etc no one has ever treated me with such kindness. When I lost my father and was with my child's dad after 1 day he said why are you still crying, he was so cold and instead give off to me that I didn't organise a celebration for his bday 2 days after my dad's funeral. Maybe I am comparing my current partner to my ex and it makes him out to be a God in comparison but I cant help but feel he doesn't truely either trust me or want to be with me as he doesn't involve me in these decisions, doesn't want us to live togegher rather I go somewhere near him and he said he can stay over. I just really would have liked to of been consulted about all this not told after the house offer got accepted etc i cant help feeling this way it does hurt after 5 years. I knew he had been quieter recently clearly off doing house viewings, im hurt he didn't think to tell me

Don't uproot your family again OP, its not fair to the children or yourself.He may be nice some of the time but he's not committed to you.

Grow some balls woman! You don't have to stop seeing him if you don't want to, but tell him categorically that you are not moving again. You did it once, if that's what he wants it's his turn.

And stick to it. The only person responsible for your life is you. Stop throwing it away on someone who is so unavailable to you.

I know my saying this sounds easier said than done, but I've done the same thing myself. And it was a one and done situation. I stayed with that man for another 5 years after we tried and failed at living together (mostly his failings), but I would never have tried to move in together again. He screwed me around once. He wasn't doing it again.

Such a typical case of don’t you learn op? You have been through it before yet still running after this man on his terms. Honestly I just shake my head at these threads. Uprooting kids, homes, all for a man.

Don't uproot your dc again, especially 1 has additional needs, if he is fussed about being with uiu he'd move

This has no future, just end it

Ir's never going to work. Just end it.

You're right, something is definitely off. So many thing scream out from your post.
He's happy to uproot children, schools, lives, on a whim.

He has no appreciation of other people's sacrifices.
He has his mother pay his mortgage.
What if you moved to be near again and it went wrong? You'd have nothing, and have to leave all over again.
He doesn't tell you anything.
There might be love there, OP, but love isn't enough.
Please stay where you are, give your own children stability - the stability of others is the last thing on his mind.

He's not a good or considerate partner. He doesn't tell you things that are life changing for everyone involved (house selling and buying, new job), he doesn't care for your input or thoughts. He won't discuss things that will affect you and your children.

Someone can be a good person.
Someone can be a good parent.
Both of the above doesn't automatically mean they will be a good partner.
I have no idea about the first two but based on your posts he is an absolute shit partner. Get rid and have a better life.

@Slightyamusedandsilly sorry to hear you've been through similar. its not easy its more annoying the feeling of wasting years of ur life again possibly for the wrong man. He cant move as he said needs to look after his mum if she gets ill and his child goes to his ex like once a month so doesn't want to break them away from their mum which I do understand. He also doesn't like it where I am which doesn't help. I think deep down I know what needs to be done but I didn't want to lose him starting to feel as though I have no choice this travelling back and forth costs us about 200 each time its a plane journey not a drive so not as simple to keep it up long term and difficult with work

@Spellcheck and @INeedAnotherName thank you I feel that sums it up sometimes love isn't enough and he doesn't involve me in the big life choices until after they are done. Thats not the type of relationship id expect after 5 years I feel I deserve more considering i was thinking of up rooting my life again the whole risk is on me

Something has been ‘off’ since day one, by the sound of it.

Your comment that he was kind to you for four days following a bereavement makes me think your bar is low. Just because he’s not as bad as your ex, that doesn’t mean he’s anything special. Being nice to a grieving partner is a bare minimum, not the pinnacle of decency.

It doesn’t sound like a very functional relationship to me.

You're a package deal with your children, and you mention one of your children has additional needs. So it sounds like he is solely okay with the fun part of your relationship where there are brief visits which don't involve the reality of daily living circumstances.

That's not the type of man who will be there for the tough times. He bailed when that happened. I'm assuming it was his choice because you likely wouldn't have chosen to lose all you invested with furnishings and making a difficult life move back toward your hometown.

The relationship has regressed in all ways. Physical distance. Emotional disconnection. Discontentment. So let it keep going that way and into a fast ending. Hard to go through all the stages of a breakup, but necessary for you to eventually start anew to create a life that will be satisfying for you, including finding a partner who is worthy of you.