Am I looking into things ?

[Sunshineismyhappy]

Hi,
im looking for some genuine advice, not catty comments ect.
I’ve recently started a relationship with a man that has 3 children ( 2 that are teenagers) and 1 that is 8.
he’s literally the nicest man I’ve ever met and we get on so well. I’m so grateful for that after I came out of a 10 year gaslighting relationship previously. I myself don’t have children unfortunately… we get on so well and have lots of friends in common.

im not sure if it’s me being trauma bonded from my last relationship and I’m not sure what’s the norm for healthy co parenting .. my ex partner had an awful relationship with his childs mother.

basically every time I’m with my partner… the child’s mother is sending photos of their daughter and emojis ect… he of course reply’s ect. But does tend to mention her quite a lot. It’s always about the child but I’d like others thoughts as I sometimes think into things.
thanks.

Do you mean when you are with your new partner he talks about his ex a lot? Or the 8 year old?

Both really….. little comments

How long have they been split up and how long have you been in a relationship with him?

I think pics and messaging about the child is fine, but I’m confused you say he talks about the ex a lot but in the context of the child? It’s hard to say without hearing it but tbh lots of talking about the ex isn’t a good sign.

How long have you been dating?

Does his 8 year old live with his ex?

When you're with your new partner how long are you together for? 4 hours or a whole weekend?

This sounds like he is doing the right thing by his kids

Sounds like the ex knows you’re there and is texting him on purpose, knowing he will respond if it’s about the kids.

Why did he and his ex split up?

If he's mentioning her in the context of his child then l wouldn't worry but if you feel it's because he still has an attachment to his ex partner then l'd be concerned. Was it him or his ex who ended their relationship?

@Seaoftroubles

he ended it 4 years ago….. she’s had relationships since ect.

so maybe im
jusy looking into things.

How long have they been split up? It does sound like not very long?

DSD used to talk about her DM and her side of the family, and about the past when they were all one family quite a lot, you can’t do anything about that. DSD is an adult now and still does it. DP is a member of adult DSD’s family WhatsApp group. You can’t stop the DC talking about their DM and her family. Your DP shouldn’t be messaging the ex when he’s with you, he can reply later unless it’s an emergency.

Dating a man with three DC when you have none is going to be hard work and you’ll have to make many sacrifices and put up with a lot grief over the years - I’d walk away if I were you, find someone without the baggage.

My opinion:
him and ex having good co-parenting relationship to the extent they’re texting and swapping pics - green flag
him talking about his DD a lot in your company - green flag
him talking about his ex a lot in your company - ed flag

@blythet

thanks ! You’ve explained that well.

talking about his ex a lot…. I mean not constantly but about past experience ect. I think I’ve just looked into to muvh

I do think so much chatter about the ex after 4 years is odd though. From your description it sounds like the relationship ended recently. Why did they split up?