Partner (two kids) ended relationship by text, doesn't seem in right mind

[Blownaway23456]

A long one sorry!

I have been with my ex for 8 years and we have 2 children of 1 and almost 5.

A few weeks ago, after a frustrating conversation about how things need to change in our relationship, he broke up with me by text. We had a few back and forth conversations where he has flip flopped on maybe working on things. But ultimately he reverts to being 100 percent set on splitting. Won't go to counselling, won't wait for ADHD medication, doesn't want to try and make things work.

I have tried so hard to reason with him that this isn't a good idea right now and that we should pause such a big decision until we can both be on a better place. We are both struggling a lot.

• he is struggling at work and may losr his job
• Been missing meetings, playing on phone instead of working. Hid this from me until I found out myself.
• we moved house a couple of months ago and it's a tip with so much to do
• his abusive dad has just re-entered his life in the last year and now has cancer. Dad refused to talk to him when we got together as he culturally disapproves. Never met out children until randomly turning up a year ago! Ex now wants a relationship and has never been one for setting healthy boundaries
• both children show signs of autism and 4 year old has significant struggles with daily activities.

Practically, I will struggle to meet both children's needs as my oldest needs lots of one to one time to regulate. It's not possible to feed the younger one when older child is around, not possible to do bedtimes together etc. My oldest child is awaiting diagnosis for autism with PDA in a month.

He has given lots of different reasons for the breakup:

• it will be better for the kids
• that I have 'hit/pushed 'him (on three occasions I have used very little force to push his body away when he was looming to intimidate me and refuses to move. He has then told his therapists parents, and old friends about this and is now framing it as abuse. I have found this very hard to come to terms with as it's really.nkt reality and such a.stronf thing to say.

I keep ringing my mum on floods of tears as he is so cold and disrespectful to me one minute, then pleasant the next.

I find it so hard to get my head around. He is so adamant he is the victim here and seems to be so resentful, despite years of gaslighting,.stonewalling (you could call it emotional abuse but I think it comes from his ADHD and abusive childhood) etc, me carrying the mental load for years, never getting a break from childcare despite him, him repeatedly lying to me.

The thing I am finding most difficult is him telling his distorted story to anyone that will listen (none of these people know me or our relationship) and them validating it (because they have no reason not to belirve him right) and then he genuinely seems to believe his distorted narrative that he is leaving me due to abuse and his family are advising him into an adversarial split where he will screw me and the children over financially. (We aren't married, he earns 80k and is the breadwinner currently, I am a sham and it will be difficult for me to regain my career due to childw additional needs).

Yet he wants to keep living in the same house and act normal but just be split up. This isn't possible for me.

Argh! Would love any insight or words of wisdom please. I feel like I'm going a bit mad.

So sorry for all you are going through.

If he is intimidating you and you need to push him away and then he is telling people you are the abuser then I think for yourself and your children you are better off seperate at least for now.

Edited to add, you need to separate properly too, not live together. Is the house mortgaged in both your names or rented? Do you have somewhere else you can go with the children? Not saying your children's issues are all related to the environment and atmosphere but it certainly wont be helping!

Tell him to go
he can’t keep living there
tell him you expect him to do 50:50 shared care so what weeks does he want ? ( we know he’ll panic at this and it won’t happen)
put in claim with cms
you’ll be better off without him
Do you own or rent your house ?

Oh my goodness , get rid of this loser now! He’s causing nothing but aggro and your life would be so much better without all this toxic drama! If you have shared mortgage etc maybe speak to a solicitor. Don’t continue living together and when you do break up don’t accept any lame excuses and get back with him. ADHD isn’t an excuse for this nonsense!

I think you're in a very difficult situation with no easy solution 😔 if he's likely to lose his job, you can't rely on his income and need to get some advice - I would make an appointment with Citizen's Advice and speak to them about your housing situation and see if you are able to claim UC if you are unable to work because of your child's additional needs. Is older child in school? Can you put baby in nursery/childcare during the school day and work part time?

He has checked out of the relationship and family life and unfortunately you cannot force him to engage, or control what he is telling other people. What you need to do is look at how you can separate as soon as possible so that he can no longer make up lies about you. I would also contact Women's Aid as he is physically intimidating you and that is unacceptable. Could you take the children and stay with your mum for a while? Will your family support you to get out of this situation?

his family are advising him into an adversarial split where he will screw me and the children over financially. (We aren't married, he earns 80k and is the breadwinner currently, I am a sham and it will be difficult for me to regain my career due to childw additional needs).

As you aren’t married you’ll be entitled to CMS and any proportion of any jointly owned property. He won’t be responsible for funding you.

I agree with the PP, time for him to move out and make arrangements for 50:50 contact.
If he wants to split - then split, but he has responsibilities which he needs to face up to. Nonsense about splitting but living together (with you doing all the childcare) is just him avoiding the realities of a breaking up. Time for you to get focussed on moving forward with your life and him paying his way/doing his share of parenting.

Living together sounds easier for the moment than fighting to get him out, although if that's what you want to do, get a good solicitor on your side as a first step.

In the meantime, you need to set the boundaries. Separate sleeping arrangements, you don't cook for him, wash his clothes, talk to him unless it's about the children or him moving out.

If he gets in your personal space, tell him so calmly. If he doesn't move, I feel you can call 999 because you feel in personal danger, although I haven't experienced this, so see what wiser people think about this.

Hi, yes, he doesn't want 50/50 at all. I did suggest it recently as it just feels so unfair that we can leave me with both kids (youngest already flagged for early autism signs too) with no prospect of a break or fair chance to rebuild career etc. Oldest can't cope at school already, can't do after school clubs/summer clubs anything like that.

We are both agreed it wouldn't be in our older daughter's interest to go between two homes, she wouldn't cope. But he also can't cope with them on his own - even when he just has one he doesn't remember to feed my oldest, who needs support eating and often doesn't recognise hunger. She can be impulsive and run off and he doesn't react in time to keep her safe.

He doesn't want them, just wants to visit and the weekends when I'm around I think.

And he had the audacity to say why should he leave the house, it's half his.

Thanks for the reply.

I don't want to misrepresent the pushing situation. I don't think he would ever hurt me but the situations were at very emotionally heightened times when I asked for physical space and he refused and got close to me. He has lots of flaws but wouldn't actually be violent.

House is mortgaged in both out names, I think moving out may have negative implications for me legally but I will be getting some legal advice next week I think.

Thanks for the reply

Older child is in school but is already on her second school and often doesn't want to go, and I currently attend quite a lot of meetings about her needs. She was off school for a month in December before switching schools. Practically, I struggle to see how I could have a job to fit around it all right now, and if I could that would be financially beneficial, if I were to put the youngest in nursery. But maybe there's something I can figure out.

My mum is very supportive and has come to stay with me but she has pushed for us all to stay in the same house, I don't think my parents would cope well with my children's needs unfortunately, it can be a lot.

Get some legal advice Op. house will need to be sold and you will neee to buy or rent separate properties. You can’t have him living with you making up false claims of abuse and damaging your mental health. He will have to pay cms if he isn’t having the kids on his own overnight.

Are you married?
Also, as a parent of a slightly older autistic child… it gets very hard. While being in one home may be what is best for the child you do also need to consider yourself because it is jolly hard work. And you could easily end up losing your whole identity (and mind!), without staying in work and also being able to have some space from dealing with autistic DC. Mine has frequent meltdowns and it is completely soul destroying. He shouldn’t get to just pop up every other weekend unsettle everybody and pop off again.

Great response
you’ll be better off on your own!

You need legal advice re forcing sale of the house. You are vulnerable as unmarried with no income and DC with additional needs.

Stay safe. 💐

@MeganM3 its literally in the OP that they aren’t married.

'He is so adamant he is the victim here and seems to be so resentful, despite years of gaslighting,.stonewalling (you could call it emotional abuse but I think it comes from his ADHD and abusive childhood) etc, me carrying the mental load for years, never getting a break from childcare despite him, him repeatedly lying'

It's emotional abuse regardless of causes.

Btw, I'd consider personality traits before ND for your husband, especially with abusive childhood and gaslighting, lying etc. They're often misdiagnosed.