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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling after health-related trauma: stay together for children or separate?

4 replies

Lookbehindu · 29/03/2026 04:11

My husband and I have had quite a traumatic marriage, we have had to do with very health related stuff, existential to be honest in a way. We have dealt with it so differently and have struggled with communication and I gets even worse. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I cannot bare the thought of a broken family and being away from my children who are young and also cannot bare such a quiet house, where we converse about kids and logistics. The trauma we went through has taken its toll, it has also added such a confusing layer over the fact that we probably weren’t a great match. Sorting out what is the health related issues and what relates more to a different approach to relating and general incompatibility has us at a standstill. Neither wanting to leave kids or abandon our family or have the children moving from house to house but also no improvement in our relationship. I honestly don’t want to leave my kids 50% of the time. I cannot find any peace in my mind and it is wearing me down. He is a good man and good father, but the loneliness is horrendous, however the loneliness I will inflict on my kids and I if we move elsewhere feels equally as bad. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience please?

OP posts:
SillyJilly2020 · 29/03/2026 07:43

Unhappy parents arnt good for the kids

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2026 10:31

I would separate. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

I would certainly seek legal advice re all aspects of separation re the property, finances and children. Some men do demand to see the kids 50% of the time but they say that also as a means of hurting the mother. How would he be able to do 50% of the time around his work, social life etc?. He will probably end up seeing them far less than that. If it is over between you two it is over. Do not be afraid of taking responsibility for your happiness and move on with your own life. Living in unhappiness is failure.

Staying for the sake of the kids never works out at all well for all concerned and besides which they should not be used as the glue that binds you together. It also teaches the kids very damaging lessons about relationships and ones they could well go onto repeat themselves.

Lookbehindu · 29/03/2026 23:40

Yes, we are living a lie for the sake of practical stability.

OP posts:
Lookbehindu · 29/03/2026 23:46

It makes me both ashamed to say that and also proof of the lengths I’ll go to safeguard my kids, but it has expired now.

OP posts:
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