Considering leaving kind but sexless marriage after reconnecting with ex

[Lostandtorn736382]

Has anyone left a nice but sexless marriage for an ex?

I have been married for 2 years, together for 6. So not that long in the grand scheme of things. I have recently bumped into an ex who I cannot stop thinking about. We got together in our early twenties and have been separated for 12 years. I turn 40 this year. We have both grown up a lot and are speaking most days. There is a lot of nostalgia there and I now wish so much we had gotten in touch earlier. He is single and would like to be back together ideally but understand it’s not simple and is not pressuring me. I am not unhappy in my marriage, we are friends and my partner is a lovely, caring nice person. I feel like it would be so selfish to end it but I know I love my ex in a way I have never loved anyone. Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do??

Stuck to my marriage vows and not been drawn back in by an ex? He is an ex for a reason and you are married. If you are unhappy, leave the relationship but do it respectfully, not by shagging someone from your past. If you are not unhappy, do you really want to be that person? A cheat, disloyal and a liar all for a bit of attention from someone who it didn’t work out with in the past?

I'll probably be flamed but I'd be out the door fast. Your marriage sounds miserable.

I’d leave the marriage for sure, but I’d also leave the ex in the past - the unsatisfying relationship you’re in is skewing how you feel about your ex. Dump them both, move forwards.

This is what men do all the time. What's good for the goose and all that

You already checked out of your marriage so I would definitely end it. I would ditch the ex while you are at it and actually spend some time alone figuring out what drove you to this place to begin with.

Exes are exes for a reason. In the 12 years you had been separated did either of you try to contact the other one ? Have you talked to your husband about why you do not have a physical relationship ? Supposing you do walk away from your marriage and then in 6 months time your new partners (your ex) then breaks up with you a second time? The grass is always greener etc

I would leave the marriage if you’re unhappy, but that’s if you’re prepared to be single and rebuild.

I don’t think it’s advisable on the basis of this ex popping up.

DrowningNotWaveing
This is what men do all the time. What's good for the goose and all that

It doesn’t end up good for anyone surely

Can you remember why you split from the ex? What has the ex been doing in the 12 years? Has he been in a relationship during that time- does he have children?
It feels like there are so many questions you should be asking/things you should be considering.

Why did you marry your husband after so many years?

I don't know anyone who's got back with an ex after several years where it ultimately worked out - sorry.

Why is your marriage sexless after such a short period of time? Do you have children together? This ex likely enjoys the thrill of the chase and competition to see if he can make you leave your husband - and once you have left your husband you will no doubt be reminded of why you are exes and will have lost both relationships. If I were you I would say to the ex that you are going to work on your marriage and then work on it. If the marriage doesn't improve you can then leave it and start over. Starting over may or may not include the ex. If the ex hasn't waited for you then he was only in it for the chase.

I know that situation, I was in a much longer marriage (20 years) and ultimately quite unhappy and already knew it was not what I wanted long term. I chose divorce. I am now married to my ex and could not be happier. The fact that you are already (ie short marriage) not feeling the commitment needed to make marriage work would suggest you need to end the marriage. You cannot realistically stay just because someone is kind. Your husband also deserves to be with someone who loves him deeply and really wants to be married to him, fore saking all others as they say. Not so sure about your ex, even though for me it's been amazing. You really need to examine why you split in the first place. Nostalgia can be a very powerful emotion but it doesn't glue everything back together if the fundamentals are missing. Good luck x

I did do this and I honestly could not be happier. Many people do but it does tend to be people who are maybe more middle aged. This is just one story (not me!!) but there are plenty more out there www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/nov/08/moment-i-knew-reunited-in-our-60s-felt-like-coming-home?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Perhaps you should first put effort and energy into improving your marriage. Why is it sexless? Speak to your husband about your unhappiness and work together to make things better, even if its through counselling. Just jumping into the arms of an ex for temporary lust is impulsive and probably not the long term solution. You have to at least try to work on your marriage and if things don't work out, then amicably separate. But don't do it to rush into another relationship.

Has your marriage always been sexless? If not, do you have a sense of what has changed? You say very little here about your marriage and your husband beyond that he is lovely, caring and nice. Can you say more about what's missing? You say you love your ex "in a way I have never loved anyone"- has this always been true? Did you love your husband when you married him?

Your ex is presumably an ex for a reason. I would be really suspicious of him popping up now and appearing to offer the answer to all your problems. I'd also have a fairly low opinion of him treating your marriage with so little regard (and I think maybe you are doing this as well).

If the marriage is no good then by all means end it if you want. I wouldn't do it in expectation of anything from the ex though- you bumped into him and now you're "speaking most days"- this is not very much to base a major life decision on.

You need to be sure that you don’t want what you already have. It sounds like you didn’t do that the last time.
Don’t rush into another relationship, time spent thinking is never wasted, remember this.
I wish you all the best whatever you choose to do.
🌺🌺

I feel sorry for your husband- he deserves a person so much better than you

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for commenting. The responses have been really varied and definitely some more thinking time is needed.

Why is your marriage the way it is? Do you have kids?

If you want to leave that's fine, but please don't run back to your husband when things don't pan out with the ex.