Support groups and therapy options for partners of disabled spouses

[CoffeePlse]

I'm in a long term relationship with DH who has physical and mental disabilities that have worsened over the last 10 years, and I'm struggling. We have a young child and almost everything falls to me. I have mixed feelings about even asking for help because he's under 50 and he works (self employed now and not many hrs/week) and often seems fine to outsiders. But a full day of work means a day in bed recovering. By any definition he is disabled, but can't yet acknowledge that word.

I'm not his carer really, but I certainly pick up the slack and enable him to work. He's not lazy, but sometimes my brain struggles with this and I fear I'm getting resentful.

Any recommendations for online support groups I might be able to vent to?

I've also considered acceptance and commitment therapy if anyone has any experience of that...

I’m in a similar situation, though DH is over 50 and had to give up work. It’s hard. We’ve 2 young secondary DC and 2 at uni. I work FT, do all housework, admin, dc stuff, manage his meds, take him to hospital appointments (at one point he was open to 10 teams and 7-9 appointments a month was standard), make his meals and drinks and lots more besides. I’d be exhausted if I had time!

No idea about support though, sorry!

Feel free to DM if you need to offload x

I've been in a similar situation for sixteen years with my disabled wife. Kids are now adults and I still work FT but can empathise with your struggles.

Happy to chat if it helps.

My husband had a major stroke 5 yrs ago at 45, you have my sympathy. I was given no help.

Can I offload? DH is angry. Sarcastic comments about liking to keep the house clean, laughed sarcastically when I said I do too. Then: had a drink have you?(id poured a glass of wine after work/ food shop/ making dinner). Then he threw my glass of wine at the wall. I wonder if he actually realises/ knows how much I do. This is not fair.

He sounds awful and angry at the world.

Your situation sounds similar to mine, where you are responsible for everything. As I said above I've done this for sixteen years and brought up two children to be well rounded adults along the way.

Over these years I have learned lots of lessons. I used to hold myself to impossible standards that I could not maintain. My advice is to simplify everything as much as possible, pay for help such as a cleaner or gardener if you are able, and be kind to yourself and have a break now and again.

I spent a long time in the military and have deployed to active war zones multiple times. Sounds crazy, but I find being a carer harder and more stressful. I think it's because the deployments had an end date when it was over, but the caring responsibilities are relentless and the hardest thing I have ever done. This has and does take its toll on my mental health and I definitely grieve for what could have been.

My wife and I have our ups and downs, like all relationships. This said, she definitely appreciates my efforts and the sacrifices I make.

All I would say is that you don't have to put up with the abuse. If I was receiving the treatment you are I would be having some very frank conversations and if things did not improve I would leave and let the state provide the care. Sounds like he is frustrated and struggling too? Is this behaviour a common occurrence? Maybe theorpy would help?

Happy to chat if it helps."

I'm so sorry. Mine is often angry and will break/throw things but not directed at me except on one occasion verbally. It's always upsetting. I used to cry, couldn't help it, which only made it worse. Now I don't, either he's trained me out of it or I just don't care as much any more. Being at work is an escape despite being stressful, I feel in control there.

Hey. Any internet strangers about? Since yesterday he’s been convinced I’m seeing someone else. Now he’s angry again. He tried to fit a lock on the bathroom (despite it causing excruciating pain, he’d.decided the existing one wasn’t good enough). He struggled and said the bar was too short. I showed him it wasn’t, he said I was being a smart ass, wouldn’t explain what he meant by being too short. Then he stormed of, said I’m always gaslighting him (he can’t remember conversations) and he wants a divorce. Says he’s seeing a solicitor on Monday. Says I’m lazy and have sat in the kitchen doing nothing all day (I wa wfh)

I think you may have to stick it up if he is truly unable to help with the child. But he works so i am sure there are things he can do. Play on each others strengths not weaknesses.

I'd call his bluff and withdraw.

He is likely suffering with poor mental health due to his situation and directing this at you.

He needs to understand that you have to work together, playing on each others strengths.

Withdrawal may make him realise what you sacrifice to assist him. Some tough love and consequences may help him see the bigger picture.

I'd insist he visits the GP, seeks out some counseling and starts taking some responsibility for his actions going forward.

Remember that you are not responsible for his behaviour and you don't have to do what you are doing. Regardless of the situation, this is abuse. Do not enable it because he struggles with some aspects of life.

Keep your head high. This is hard work and I'm sure you're doing an amazing job. That said, it's relentless and has negative effects on you and your health. Ensure you look after yourself too.

Regardless of the situation, this is abuse. Do not enable it because he struggles with some aspects of life.

This!!!!!!

As I was writing this I heard a bang. A couple of minutes later he shouted me. He was face down on the floor, cold and sweating. He’d briefly lost consciousness.
I checked him over and helped him up. The first thing he said was that he is still divorcing me.
He wouldn’t go to hospital, told me to stop trying to manipulate him into going.

Go out for the day if you can.

Tell him that along with his solicitor, contact social services about his caring needs going forward.