Between a rock and a hard place

[PhoebeBuffay1234]

In my marriage. We’ve been married nearly 20 years. Kids are late teens and GCSE age so not little and needing lots of looking after. In recent years my husband has really got into fitness due to a high blood pressure diagnosis. To the point he has signed up for a marathon. But lots of other things too, including 3 day bike rides and hiking (3 peaks challenge). As well as his running 3 times a week, he also goes to the gym 3 days every week, and plays another sport one night during the week. Then there will be another sport over the summer months added into the mix. All of these things take up a lot of his time and energy.

I want to make it clear that I know that him becoming fit and healthy is good for him and that I’m not trying to change who he is or what he does. I accept that this is his world now.

What I struggle with is how it affects us. I have illnesses that mean I cannot do any exercise. Not that I’d want to be with him all of the time even if I could exercise, more that I could join in some of these things (hiking) and it would be a shared interest. It also means his energy levels are shit and our sex life is affected because he’s falling asleep early on a night. We used to have sex spontaneously and relatively regularly and now it feels routine because it always falls on a day (usually a Saturday and if I’m lucky a night during the week) when he’s not up at stupid o’clock for the gym.

I have had therapy for all of this - mostly for the grief at the loss of my old life and my old self. I just cannot seem to get to a point of acceptance and that is probably made worse every time he comes and tells me the next new thing he’s doing. Honestly, I know it’s a form of jealousy but it’s very hard not to feel like that when your life has turned out nothing like you could have imagined.

My ‘rock and hard place’ scenario is that I’m obviously unhappy as things are but I’d also be unhappy if we weren’t together anymore because despite all of this, there is love and affection and (some, routine) sex and we do go out to eat and things. DH is quite happy with how things are.

I don’t have much of a life myself now. I have a couple of treasured close friends but they have their own stuff going on so although I can always contact them, we don’t see each other that much. I’ve tried some craft type classes, thinking they’d be nice but they just don’t excite me really.

Please help me work out where I go from here. Thank you.

His sports sound excessive and to the detriment of your relationship. Is there a compromise whereby he keeps a certain amount of time for family time and some for you? Can you find some hobbies for yourself to keep you busy while he’s doing sport?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? You sound lonely in the marriage. Can you plan things for the both of you to do together which isn't exercise?

There is getting fit and looking after your health and there is being obsessive about fitness.

The amount of time your H is spending on his fitness hobbies is totally excessive.

You are supposed to be a partnership and and you have a family. He should also be taking your needs and his obligations to his family into account when he is organising his life.

You really need to talk about this and tell him how his fitness obsession is affecting you. And try and work out a compromise where his solo hobbies are balanced with some shared activities.

Thank you for the replies.

I have tried talking to him. A few times!😬 The thing is, he doesn’t see any of it as an issue. His argument is that because he does his daily running and gym on a morning that it doesn’t affect us. But, it does in the sense that he’s often knackered on an evening. Not to mention that he also swaps to an evening at times if the weather isn’t great.

In the interest of fairness, his 3 day bike ride is once a year, as is the peaks challenge. But they obviously require ‘training’, which happens on weekends usually - not every weekend but regularly. The marathon is a new thing but he also does regular half marathons and 10 (or more) kms. The summer thing is cricket..he’s not that good at it (it’s an amateur team), but he enjoys it (he goes with his uncle and cousin) but with everything else it all seems to add up. The whole situation is worse in the spring and summer months because it eases off in the winter, even though the everyday exercise remains. So at its most basic in the winter, it’s 3 days running, 3 days in the gym, sport one night a week and then the extra run/hike maybe once a fortnight on average. But sometimes it can be less in the depths of winter if the weather is too extreme for hikes. The marathon is the back end of the year.

My friend says I need to build my own life, which I agree with to a certain extent though I still feel there would be the gaping differences between DH and I. I’ve tried some hobbies (the crafts - different types of classes) - because of the illnesses I can’t always commit to being there every week and if I’m being totally honest none of them made me excited - I did them because it was something I ‘could’ do if that makes sense but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I’ve tried a couple of meetups as well, but I went to one where it was a completely new social group, thinking we might get together for coffees and a chat and while I was at the first meeting they decided to start up a dancing group so they all go there now instead! You couldn’t make it up!🤣🤣 Maybe it was something I said.🤣