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[Kally]

Do people really get over their partner having had an affair? Reason I am asking is that I was married 26 years and 12 years into the marriage my husband had an affair. We patched it up and moved along, but it was always there, like a snake in the grass. After 26 years we ended the marriage, (I even had another baby after an 11 year gap) but has anyone ever happily got along with their marriage and truly let the whole thing subside without suffereing and pain rearing its ugly head everytime things go down (as most mariages experience). I look back now and think I should have left years ago (but wouldn't change as I have my third child out of it). I read a lot of posts on here of younger couples going through similar things and can't help thinking 'oh boy'... I am 50 now, was married at 18, and since I have been out of that marriage (5 years) I have myself back and that old demon is no longer accomanying me (apart from trust issues) that I carry I suppose. Are there any longtermers on here who survived 'the affair' and can honestly say it's dead and buried?

I can't speak for myself, but I DO know of couples who have survived.

I can't say too much in case it is recognised, but I know of several elderly couples- and by that I mean in their 80s now, my parents' generation- where one of them had an affair and the marriage continued, as the other one turned a blind eye. I think that my MIL and FIL fall into that category. Maybe in those days, as divorce was so much condemned, people were not so eager to divorce after an affair and tried to get on with marriage. Not saying that is right, but i think it was the case.

There have always been affairs i have no doubt. Today however it is so much easier and quicker for them to develop - with emails texts and the like. Also there are more people working and i think generally there are more women working and being expossed to them.

As you know we are 'recovering' from my h affair and i do hope that one day we will look back and although not forget it will not see it as such a huge issue. I am sure we all mellow as we get older.

The trust thing is a bit of an issue at the moment with us but as he gets older will he still be able to 'manage it' ? I dont think so.
And i will turn into one of those lovely old wobbley randy old ladies that Harry enfield used to do . And that will be my H punishment.

So in answer to your question i do think there are a lot of older people who have got through it - they have just choosen to not share it.

Girlnextdoor - Well I was married in the late 70's and I can understand the chane in womens' stance regarding divorce issues etc. This was not the case with me, as by then it was commonplace. Turning a blind eye WAS common back in the 20's and 30's even in the 40's (my Mums era)... my oldest sister who is now early 60's suffered the same as me and I remember my Mum advising her not to leave him, he was a good provider etc... she did carry on and yet even today, and this is 30 odd years later, she still referrs to it venemously and with pain and her husband has forever paid the price. (He once said to my Dad he would cut off his right arm if it meant that could be forgotten)...

Happywoman.. I get the point but do you see how you wish there to be a punishment? Even in a joking manner, if its said, the thought to get your own back, is there.. I remember me and my ex watching that movie with Glen Close (the bunny boiler) can't remember the name... and my EH got up and went out. Of course thats every mans worse nightmare... but forever after than affair, it lurked in the shadows, 'the dirty deed'... even he couldn't face up to it. I am more expressive and wished he was the type that could verbalise and clear the air. But he didn't, couldn't and it festered our marriage to the point of destruction.

But kally - is that not because the betrayal means so much more for a woman? I truely believe that for most men it is not ever meant to be a hurtful thing (it is selfish - and stupid) but is often done just because it can be - men really do not put as much importance on it as we women do imo.

I feel i understand why my h had his affair - it took/is taking a long time to do this but i truely do believe that he did not think how much pain it would cause and certainly would not have started it had he known. Having spoken to other men about this too - they seem to back up what i believe.

We all know that often womans sex drive decrease after children (understandly) and i think many men see this as a rejection of them - men will often think that a woman does not find them attractive if they do not want sex.
Now we know that is not true - but imagine if a man says 'well you can only love me if you show it physically' we would not accept that. Yet when we say 'you can only love me if you stay faithful' they really do find that concept just as hard to understand.

My h does now - but before because we did not really discuss it he assumed my decline was a decline in love and i assumed that him wanting a shag with someone else was a decline in his love for me.
No not an excuse for his behaviour - just seeing it from both sides of the fence.

Well thats the elephant in the room, if we dont discuss it then maybe it will not really be there.

We have both accepted that it has happened - and however much we both wish it hadnt - it did. We have both had conselling and have agreed that it is not a forbiden topic, ever. It is hard but we are both hoping to learn from it.
Interestingly a female work collegue of hs has just gone through same thing (her h having affair - they have split up). I think it actually helps h to get over it too.

I know it is not as bad as say losing a child or a baby - but it is a bad thing that has happened and it is how you choose to let it affect the rest of your life that counts.

I was determined to not become a bitter old hag - and if i do get stressed and have a 'dig' at h he has learnt to make light of it and tell me to stop in a nice way - and we try and laugh (eventually).

You are brave and fair Happywoman. I have changed in my outlook to what sex is and sex in marriage is and what a fling is to both men and women. I agree and have become more lenient towards affairs, it is so prevalent it's scary. It's almost as if its sacredness (if there is such a word) has long gone. If it had been a fling, I could have dismissed it, even probably 'joke' eventually, but this was an affair of the heart as well. Its not the thought of him romping about with another woman, it was the thought that he totally put me and the kids on the back burner. We suddenly became 'second'. It shook the very foundations of the safety in our relationship and duty to each other. It shows up a part of them that you never thought existed and are always scared of seeing. Not only the trust issues, but I LONGED to get back at him. Even years later. When we finally split, I had to say that sentence... 'the start of all this was because of your affair'.

If i punish h enough what will the outcome be - he may just say ' enough is enough and leave' who will be punished then? Me and the family.
He did a really really stupid thing - he knows what will happen if he does it again. Yes he can - i cant stop that.
At the moment he is still doing everything to make me happy and frankly i am enjoying it. We spend more time together now and concentrate on the good times - and we now know the importance of taking holidays just the two of us - and i want more of those thankyou .

For me the turning point was when i thought ' this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with - i want to grow old with' - so it may not work out but i am making sure i do my bit from now on.

Thankyou kally for your kind words - my h 'thought' it was an affair of the heart too but i understand now that at the time he woudl have said anything (and it never was real - it was a secret). What he had at home all be it on the back burner as you say was real and he never ever really wanted to lose that.

I do still have times when i want to get back (or even) and still at her too but i know that it will only serve to make me unhappy and i know that life is too short for that.
And because of that i know that i am the best woman he is ever going to get and he tells me that all the time now [sick emocotion}.

Anyway got to go now - shcool run
If you want to chat more happy for you to cat me.

Take care