Is the grass greener?

[Alwayslookingonthebrightsideoflife]

Looking for honest opinions. My husband and I have been together 15yrs. We have 4 young children, youngest is a toddler. He works full time and I work 25hrs per week.
I am currently studying and have done so for the past 10yrs on different qualifications to pursue a good career and income. Husband says he has no time to enhance his career so I have taken a front seat.
My husband is very tight with spending money, going on holiday, purchases unless its something he wants to do. He can be funny lending me his possessions and has a very I'll do what i want attitude.
When he is in a good mood, we have a great time but when he's stressed it becomes unbearable with him being controlling.
This week, a one off event, he did an online shop for us as I have had to pull a few 2am late nights to meet deadlines.
I usually get a bottle of wine fir friday night, in the shop and he knows this. On arrival of shop, theres no wine and half the usual shop has been cut back on. He has been arguing for around a year that I spend too much on a weekly shop (£150 but lasts us all week) he scaled it back, missed half the shop out to make a point at my spending and told me that he's not spending his money on my wine (joint account our wages go into) so no wine tonight.
However, he progressed to have a beer with his tea as he's had a stressful week and deserves it. For a new found hobby, He has just spent £100s on new gear and I was met with, you should be grateful that it wasnt more - but earlier this week he was having a go at me about spending money.
I have had quite a difficult 2yrs with a lack of support from him and his family. He comes from a narssistic background, I went no contact with in laws after the birth of my 4th child, they turned up at the hospital 1hr post me coming out if theartre to meet their grandchild, couldn't of cared how I was and went off telling everyone and wetting the baby's head, not much attempt has been made to visit us but we have to go to them. I was made to feel invisible and my FIL was behaving unwelcoming - we cannot just turn up, we have to schedule a time or make an appointment to even call. We had an arguement and they have made no attempts to make peace and my husband just shrugs his shoulders and I'm to accept that's the way they are.
My husband has changed alot since we met and having kids, I feel so alone, miserable and the only enjoyable thing to come from our marriage is our amazing children - is the grass greener or is it wrong to expect more.

I’m really sorry - but 4 dc? You made your bed I’m afraid. What did you expect? You have done quite a lot to get a career but when will this be?

I have a career. I am a lawyer, working 25hrs a week and studying to go further.

Well I couldn’t stand being with someone who did that with the shopping! I guess the question is why is he being this way? Are you guys short of money and struggling to get by? What sort of career are you studying for that takes so long?

is it a good idea to be up until 2am when you’ve got a toddler and 3 other kids?!

Lots of questions. Ultimately you need to understand the root cause of these issues. Is he just a shit or is there more stuff going on?

I have a career. I am a lawyer, working 25hrs a week and studying to go further.

Very right to not buy the wine from your ‘joint account’.

Your dh don’t sound very nice. Controlling/tight and the worst thing of all ‘tough,this is the way I am and if you don’t like it then 🤷‍♀️’

Have you thought about leaving?

• tight NOT right! Sorry

You need to leave him. It sounds like you do all the work anyway..

It very much depends on your definition of greener. Some things will be easier, such as being able to organise your own finances and not having to put up with his nonsense. Other things will be harder, such as only working 25 hours a week and probably having to cut your cloth to suit your budget for a while.

I think he sounds completely horrible and I’d rather live on the roughest estate in a one bedroom flat and a box room than live with him. What is it that’s keeping you there?

I don’t understand - do you work 25 hours a week, or do you have 2am finishes to meet deadlines? It sounds like you’re being shafted by your ‘part-time’ contract.

Anyway, that’s by the by, the important question is are you able to walk out of this marriage and stand on your own two feet? It will be tricky with 4 children, although he’ll need to pay maintenance for ALL of them after you split, unless you co-parent equally.

@Alwayslookingonthebrightsideoflifefirstly, some of these response are not nice. Frankly your husband sounds like a pig. Regardless of the 4 children I would be looking to leave if I could afford it. I’d rather be alone tha live like that.

i think OP has been studying tol 2am
not working

Do you contribute the same or is this about him feeling like he's the main breadwinner.

I think the grass very well could be greener yes. This man sounds mean and horrible to you. Not letting you use his belongings?!

I personally would look at leaving and stopping wasting my life on this man, pussy footing around in your own house and life, not being able to do what you want. Good luck!

You only have weeds and moss, not proper grass. He disrespects you as and this behaviour will worsen. Focus on your escape.

If you are asking if it would be better overall if you weren’t with your DH the answer is very likely, given what you have said about him. However, some elements might be worse eg financials, help with DC, depending on how those things are. Only you can weigh up whether what you would lose is worth more than what you would gain. Personally I can’t imagine any benefit worth putting up with that.

I would think it through carefully before you go off with 4 kids, and only a part time job.

He seems to love himself more than he loves you… not surprising given the family he comes from. Keep working on your career prospects. He sounds selfish and financially controlling. Men sometimes get more and more like that as relationships progress. I wouldn’t want my children learning this was acceptable behavior. I would want them to have a model of equality. You don’t need to rush any decisions.

A wise man once said 'The grass isn't always greener but you still have to mow it'

He doesn't sound like an interesting, cherishing, life enhancing man.

Only you can decide if buying him out or selling and buying your own house and co-parenting would be more enjoyable.

Four kids is a huge undertaking.

Not getting the wine, but drinking beer himself is not OK, I would have said no wine no beer. Deciding to take things off the shopping list is not OK, how are you meant to plan meals if suddenly half the stuff you need is not there. £150 for food for you both and four kids is miraculous I would say, and you deserve a glass of wine on a Friday. Buy a couple of extra bottles so there's one in the cupboard if he plays that trick again!

Yes

Your DH sounds pretty awful but why on earth did you have 4 kids with him?

I really hope you popped out to get your wine.
Leave him to go out/order what you normally need....he will learn