Do I talk to new friend about how her spending makes me feel because of previous bad experience?

[moonshinepoursthroughmywindow]

Years ago I had a long but rather unhealthy friendship. This person was hard work in a number of ways, but in a nutshell her behaviour suggested that she expected me to be always available, resented me spending time with any other friends and assumed I didn't like her any more if I didn't phone for a week or two, although she herself hardly ever contacted me first. Eventually she dramatically ended the friendship over something trivial, but in the argument she started, she brought up numerous examples of how I clearly didn't value her as much as she valued me. Years later I found out that she had done the same thing with several other people and now had a reputation as a manipulator and someone to avoid.

One characteristic of this friend was that she was very generous in material ways. She gave me lots of what appeared to be quite expensive presents and often gave my DC presents for no specific occasion. I gave her presents for Christmas and birthdays, but kept within my means and mine were not as lavish as hers. Knowing what I know now, I think she was trying to keep me "in her debt" so she could bring it up if I ever tried to pull away from her. She spent a lot on herself too, more than she could really afford sometimes, and encouraged me to do the same, maybe to make her feel better about her own extravagance.

I have a newish friend whose company I really enjoy. We have several major interests in common and often do things together related to those, but sometimes we just have a chat, and we get on very well in all those settings.

My only misgiving is that she is almost as generous as the old "frenemy" was, and because of my past experience, it makes me a bit uneasy. To me, this pattern might end up with clingy behaviour and recriminations. She also has the slight shopaholic tendency that the other friend had, and I think I worry (possibly unnecessarily) that that will escalate to the same levels too. One point in her favour relative to the other person is that she definitely sees other friends too, and doesn't seem to mind when I mention other friends of mine, but I think we are spending more time with each other than anyone else at the moment. I don't know whether to bring this up and explain why it makes me uneasy, suggest a spending limit for both our sakes (she's not bankrupting herself, but I know she's not especially well off either), or just relax and accept that that's what she's like.

Just how new is the new friend? How is it she’s had so many opportunities to spend money on you already?

A couple of years altogether but the spending seems to be creeping up gradually and it's only this year that it's reached the point where I'm reminded of the other person.

Simple test- tell her you dont feel comfortable with her spending so much money on you.

If she reacts well and respectfully and stops doing it- green flag

If she throws a tantrum and gets angry - red flag

Its really easy you just say
"I know you are really generous and its a quality I love in people but excessive gift giving makes me feel so uncomfortable - im not really sure why! You really dont need to do x y or z. I like your company!"

If this is ignored which it shouldn't be its a flag. And you just return or say you cant accept whatever is given.

Yes, just ask her to stop.

It’s always a red flag of some kind or another when someone is OTT about presents, IME. Either they have terrible self esteem and feel like they have to bribe you to like them (which becomes really suffocating) or they’re setting their expectation that you ought to shower them in OTT presents and attention as well.

Anyone who sets a lot of store by wanting to make people feel ‘special’ sets off alarm bells for me - they almost always become intense and demanding.

Thanks all - I think I will say something as Voltaire's post sums up exactly what I am afraid of. I don't get that vibe in any other way from this person but I think it needs addressing.