Under/Over Functioning - is there hope?

[hungry123]

Has anyone been in an underfunctioning (him) / overfunctioning (me) relationship that’s survived?

Mid/late 40s, 2 teen/tween kids, 20+ years together. Probably peri.

Please send stories of hope…

What exactly do you mean by under and over functioning, OP?

It could mean so many different things! Some context would be good…x

This link explains it quite well

We don’t need to call it over/under functioning. You can just call him a lazy, selfish arse.

You’re doing all the work. You have to tell him that this isn’t working. He’ll either listen to you, respond and fix things. Or he won’t. If he doesn’t, you have to decide if you leave. If you will genuinely leave, tell him. If you won’t leave, you need to work out what, if anything, you can outsource e.g. get a cleaner or what the teens should be doing more of.

Am trying to work on this too, OP. By doing less stuff for people, and kicking my family out of my brain. It’s been really hard. I’m having to face up to quite a lot of shit about myself. Why don’t I have good boundaries? Why can’t I think about myself and prefer to think about others? But I’m hoping it will help in the long run. My DH is very inconsistent so just being able to centre myself has become really important.

There’s no need to pathologise this as if it’s out of his control.
Sometimes people are lazy

I don't think so, no. For years I have earned the money, had and raised the kids, and built solidly for us as a family while my husband twatted about on his stationary bike and told me his generalised lack of happiness was a form of oppression.

I found out two weeks ago he has had a long emotional affair with a SAHM with false eyelashes and older children who lives around the corner. He is now trying to rush me into joint counselling, where he expects us to 'work on our flaws' and accept joint responsibility.

Lazy is as lazy does.

Are you going to go, I think I would just so somebody can explain to him what exactly his flaws are.

That’s not what counselling is for, though. The therapist isn’t going to sit him down and list his flaws.

I guess you are right, but do they recommend changes and delve deeper into why he got into an emotional relationship.

Sort of. What I’ve found is it is a situation of my own making and I can get out of it. Then if he doesn’t like to, tough.

First step, I stopped looking for things for him
’do you know where my keys are?’ No.

also accepting that I was over function in areas that just aren’t necessary. No I don’t need to research this, no I can say my teenager isn’t having a lift.

talking about it won’t change it, people
will just carry on doing what they’ve always done.

Under and over functioning? Isn't this just one partner doing most the work?

It’s a tale as old as time, made worse by first wave feminism which aold women on they can have it all which translates into women doing it all by themsleves.

First wave feminism got you the vote.

I am so glad that these terms didn't exist when my bone-idle XH wasn't still with me! He would have explained that he was only 'under-functioning' because I 'naturally over-functioned' and therefore it was entirely my fault for doing everything because clearly my over-functioning mindset meant that I was driven to over perform which thus caused him to appear to be under-functioning. When really it was just my over-functioning making it LOOK as though he under-functioned.

He was lazy af.

Without wanting to hijack the thread, I am going to go when I am ready and not a moment before.

When the time comes, I will happily sit down and sweetly explain how grateful I am to him for opening my eyes to how unhappy we have been for so long. And then I will set out fixing that unhappiness like the high achiever I am - which will not be how he thinks it should be fixed.

Bloody love this.

I'm fixing my life darling.

Yours however is fucked.

Because obviously, @JennyForeigner, he will think the answer is more sex.

Mine didn't. But it might have survived had my XH become pleasantly indolent rather than also becoming disagreeable and paranoid.

I saw that particular dynamic in a marriage in my parents' generation. My uncle did everything (work, social activities, keeping the house in order) and his wife seemed to spend all her time sitting in an armchair with her feet up on the dog's back, smoking and having cups of tea brought to her and making inane pronouncements. But she was an agreeable soul and according to my cousin, to whom I was close, they never had a cross word, unlike some of the ferocious verbal exchanges that went on between my parents in their much more equal, and also successful, marriage.

😮

I’m not saying it was bad. I’m saying it was not perfect.