Messed up a perfectly good relationship....

[Kally]

I have this lovely boyfriend, we live apart so don't get to see each other as much as other people do when in a relationship, he's in one town and me about a 2 hour train-ride away.
He's got a little boy he's raising (has an ex on the scene but she seems not to be full-on with the son). I have never been to his house. I know that sounds odd, and we have discussed it because it makes it a bit one dimensional but in all honesty it would be hard for me to get there anyway with my daughter. Its easier always for him to come to me, and he's brought his little boy as well to us.
I am ten years older than him, but had a late life child from previous marriage, so I am not your typical mature person, free to do my own thing with kids grown up etc. I work and have a small scale life financially, but manage, no complaints.
I keep falling out with him, he's a lovely person, really, but not good at keeping contact with me. As our time is always 'rationed' I always feel as if I am the last thing he thinks of. He works in IT so its those long crazy schedules, and he does most things singlehandedly, so often plans to be together get re-scheduled or put off. Which usually I am cool with, I know the hardships of single parenting. Last weekend his plans changed and he couldn't get to me as planned. But he neither called me the next day (Fathers Day) to say whatever, (like for instance, I am sorry I couldn't get to you bla bla) so feeling in the lurch I wrote him a sarcastic email, written in a third person type of thing..
Anyway it really hurt him and I feel so crap about it. I have professed my love for him and he claims I always made him feel insecure right from the very begining - as if I wasn't ever serious to begin with - (which is not true, but I'm not sure where I went wrong with regard to showing him). He's not very verbal and I know finds it hard to express his emotions, although he says he adores me and loves me long term.
I feel like a bull in a china shop right now, and so regret it. I have emailed him that I am sorry for the email, that it wasn't smart to be sarcastic... I have this problem with most guys that I think they don't really love me that much (obviously low self esteem, like most of us) and always go and ramsack a perfectly good relationship. What can I do? Can this be put right?

You don't say how long you've been together, so I don't know how unusual it is that you have never visited him at his home. But that's the first thing I noticed about your post, and I think if I were in your situation alarm bells would be ringing.

If he always cancels plans or seems to put your relationship on a low level of priority, I would say that is grounds for getting a bit annoyed, at the very least. You might have over-reacted and perhaps written in the heat of the moment, but suppose you hadn't? Would his behavior still strike you as totally fine? It's almost as though he has got you feeling so guilty for your email that his initial behavior - that caused the email - has gone unnoticed. Conveniently.

I would aim to visit him at his place, pronto, and get things more balanced so you are going there half the time.
Hopefully someone else with more life experience will be along soon with better advice Just wanted to say I read, and empathize.

Kally, at first read it sounds to me like this chap might be either stringing you along or not as committed to the relationship as you are. I think you need to visit him ASAP to be sure he lives alone, sorry to imply it might be otherwise but my first thought was he's still in another relationship.

It doesn't sound to me like you are being the unreasonable one at all. If his plans change at such short notice all the time who is caring for his son?

I think this is for him to put right not you and its very unfair (childish even) of him to try and make you think and feel its your fault (perhaps even controlling and manipulative).

Sorry to be so pesimistic but something doesn't sit right here

We've been together a year. I've seem his place on webcam etc, he's not hiding anything (like another woman) or something like that, these are random times too. Not like sceduled. No, I don't feel he's hiding anything. the fact that he comes to me doesn't bother me, I think he may have issues about me being older? he is black ghanaian I am white and maybe he has issues there as well about us being a mixed couple. Thats perhaps why he doesn't force the bit about me going to his, (maybe has disapproving family or something, it does exist) (I don't have a problem with either)we have never discussed the mixed race thing as it was of no importance to me at all. He persued me, intentley so. I would not have 'gone' for a guy that much younger than myself. (Altho in my age bracket - 50 - that is not such a big age gap)...his ittle boy is 6, he was married for a few years and has his one son, who knows us well, visits and webcam etc.. (no, he's not hiding anything)..

He had to change plans this week to go and pick up his aupair guy from London.. I can understand refelcting it may have been hard to leave this new guy with son, or leave him alone and come with to see me... but I was angry at the lack of 'update' if you like... he's a bit slim with 'telling me the details'