Ex moved out and seems carefree while I juggle kids and feelings

[TheCalmSwan]

previously I was asking for advice on how to cope with splitting up with my partner, we have two children and I was so worried that wouldn’t have any money or anywhere to go. He was living with me until he found somewhere and I was still being a mug lending his money and cooking his tea. I then found out he was messaging another girl, 4 days post break up of our ten year relationship.

i have kicked him out and he has been living on friends sofas. He has messaged me today pictures of his new flat and it looks so lovely, I know it sounds stupid but I’m so upset. He gets to live like a teenager with no responsibility and total freedom which he’s always wanted and I’m a stuck in the same four walls filled with memories and honestly a load of junk and mess and struggling with the kids as they are still adapting to him being gone.

anyone else been in this situation and have any advice? Obviously I would never want to be without my children but it just seems so cruel and unfair. Will this get easier?

First things first clear out the junk and make your home a lovely fresh cosy place exactly
how you like it. Move things around paint some walls. A new start

Err no, he doesn't get to live without responsibilities, have you already agreed that with him?! He gets to pay child support and to share care at least part of the time. And to pay back what you lent him.

You dumped him from your house now you have to dump him from your mind. Clear out, like a proper spring cleaning. You will get there.

It speaks volumes OP that he messaged you images of his new flat. On some level, whether consciously or unconsciously, he still considers you and expects a level of emotional support and validation from you. When you step away from it, it is rather breath taking of him to expect that. What was he wanting? You to say 'oh wow looks great' like some sort of doting mother?

Meanwhile, you are grappling with the reality of your new life and the grief of losing the set-up you expected.

That's not to blame him, but there is an element here that he is probably experiencing that temporary, short-term joy of the 'new' and 'fresh start' because he is not at the 'site' of the break-up, but at some point, he will also have to face the grief and the new reality.

Reality does not stop for anyone.

You are on different timelines and different trajectories now. By choosing to end this relationship, both of you now need to strike out on your own and grapple individually with what that means.

For you, in my opinion, the main goal is to emotionally separate from him by confiding in good friends, doing something small and new for yourself and reminding yourself that one season of life is over and the next one is beginning. He is not part of this new season of life emotionally, even though he will be physically and practically as the father of your children, and that's the best place to concentrate your efforts in my opinion to 'claim yourself back' for want of a better phrase.

Sending you so much love and light OP. Happiness does not come from new flats, but from facing new realities with kindness and courage.

Whilst it may feel like a slap in the face right now, his new flat means he has somewhere he can spend time with his children. Time to organise the kids schedules - how old are they?

You now have your own home, start to make it your own, clear the junk, your ex can collect what’s his now that he has somewhere to put it.

Hopefully the photos of his new flat include the room(s) he has set aside for his children? If not, ask to see them pronto.

You're actually winning at life because you have the kids and a home full of chaos and love. OK that's a bit idealistic 😁, but honestly, it's far better than an empty flat.

If you're not happy with your house's clutter, make a plan to get it the way you want it. (If some of it is his junk, he now has a place to take it. Get that bagged up and gone.) Start doing a room a week or something to de-clutter, maybe redecorate and move things round. Try and make this a positive and energising thing.

If he's not paying child support, get that sorted.

@MimiGC no rooms for the children as it’s a one bedroom flat, he says they can sleep in his bed and he will sleep on the sofa

@TheGirlattheBack my little boy is 2 and my little girl is 5

@WiseFawn thank you so much for your kind words ❤️

Try and make chnages to the house and make it feel like a fresh start for you. See the positives of spending so much time with your lovely children, while he is essentially pratting about pretending to be carefree.

I know it can be hard but I can honestly say the years I spent as a single parent (to be fair only a couple of years until I met my now DH) were some of the best times of my life - some 20 years later I still think of this time fondly and the fact that I could do wihat I liked with the kids.

I honestly never said a bad word against their Dad (whats the point and not fair) but now they are adults DC very much acknowledge that I was the ever present and supportive parent in their lives.

Make him pay child support! CMS, now!

How are you doing financially? Can you afford to make a few changes so that your home becomes "your" space rather than the shared space it was? E.g. after decluttering and getting rid of all his stuff you could paint a room in your favourite colour or get some cushions/ flowers. New bedding so it has no associations with him. Maybe rethink the furniture positioning.

Definitely get child support sorted ASAP.
Get a fixed schedule for him having the kids to stay too.
Then use that time to have a clear out. Load up your car and take to charity shop or the dump. While in the charity shop see if they have any nice cushions or pictures to brighten up your house. Get new bedding for your bed!

My ExH left me for someone else and for 4 years it seemed like he was living his best life with his new partner and her kids, in our house (he was very very difficult so I moved out with DD against advice into a small 2 bedroom flat) seeing our daughter sporadically while I fought him over the divorce he drew out massively, looked after DD, the dogs that he wanted etc. Posted lots of pictures on facebook, some of our joint friends were their friends etc. After 4 years they split up because he was having an affair! He now lives in a 2 bedroom rented flat, and me and DD have our own house with a lovely garden and I have a very happy committed relationship. At the beginning it made me bitter but after about 18 months I realised i was only hurting myself, took myself off social media and just built my life away from him. I wasnt expecting or needing Karma as I was so much happier on my own (and less lonely!) than I ever was married to him. When Karma came it was all the sweeter as I had genuinely stopped giving him more than a passing thought! IT will get easier. Remember why you left him and do positive affirmations of the crap you no longer have to deal with.

Take the long view.
In 20 years time, you will have two gorgeous adult children, who know how much you love them and who love you. You will be looking forward to the next phase of your life and career, as a strong and independent middle-aged woman. (You might also have re-married along the way).

He will either being single with a string of failed relationships and live alone, or be hooked up with a younger woman who wanted more kids, so he will still be knee-deep in nappies and night feeds and school-runs just as you are getting your freedom and independence back. And your children will have a much weaker relationship with him. They will never love him like they love you.

Ok 20 years is a long time, but it will help to keep your mind firmly looking forward, not backward.