Long-term relationship feels over, having an affair, should I tell partner?

[Pregnantmama93]

I have been with my partner for 11 years. We have 2 children together a 4 and 3 year old. The last 2 years we have been like room mates if that. Generally have sex 4 times maybes 5 times a year. He just doesn't turn me onnanymore. I have fallen out of love with him. The thing is I have told him I dont love him any more and would much prefer for him to leave, this have been on going for 1.5 years now.

I am literally a single mother who i supposed to have a partner I have told him this.

For the last 3 months I have been having an affair with a man who is also taken with children.

I thought I would feel guilty once it happened but I feel not once ounce of guilt, harsh I know but I truly don't.

I don't see a relationship with this guy at all, just texts, and sex. We are both on the same page.

He is my building security which doesn't help the situation.

Do I tell my partner?

Can you not separate? Does he just refuse to leave?

You need to be honest I think. You don’t need to name who you are seeing but I think you owe it to the father of you children to tell him you have « met » someone. And that your are being intimate with someone else. At a minimum

That's correct. I want to separate he doesn't want to.

Maybe you should leave

That's correct. I want to separate he doesn't want to.

If he isn’t leaving, can you? Look for a new place to live and start drawing up a schedule arrangement for the children?

This is what I am thinking. I wouldn't tell him who. I honestly think he will still just stay but who knows.

Well telling him your shagging someone else may change his mind

I would leave but its my aunts property, I pay the rent, water and council tax myself so don't see why I should leave.

Would he want custody of the children? Is the other bloke going to tell his partner? Could it all get a bit messy?

Honesty is always the best policy

If you told him a year and a half ago that you didn't want to be with him then why are you having sex with him 4 or 5 times a year? You need to separate properly and dump the other cheating scumbag. If the property belongs to your aunt and is for your use then you need to give him notice and tell him you'll be getting the police involved if he refuses to leave after that time.

You've created a real mess here and i feel sorry for your kids in all this.

Nice.
Who is it that doesn’t want sex and what led to that?

If you want to end your relationship do it, cleanly rather than using an affair as your exit strategy. And dragging another family into this if your DP tells affair partner’s partner.

Concentrate on sorting out your life. Tell him you ARE splitting up and he needs to move out. Concentrate on keeping it civilised and amicable for the ongoing care and co-parenting of the children.

If you use the info of other man to lever the end of your relationship you are using him, and will cause aggro that is ultimately detrimental.

So 5 years ago he was so perfect you wanted kids with him and as soon as separating will be a bloody nightmare for you all you want out. Why do people create these situations? 😡

Anyway. Don't tell anyone about the affair - that will just make a load of people miserable. ....but do insist on breaking up if you really want out. You don't need a reason.

You need to tell your husband it is 100% over between you both and get a divorce.

You telling your husband over a year ago that you dont love him anymore but then also saying you have sex 4 or so times a year. Has sex happened since you told him you dont love him?

We men are fairly simple. Unless its spelled out in black and white. I want a divorce we are over. We may not understand and still cling to hope.

He may be hanging onto hope right now. And when he finds out what you are doing. Trust me from personal experience. It will hurt him incredibly badly. He will find out so the best thing to do is tell him now and leave.

If not he will most likely find out on his own and that is bad.

Also wtf is it with building security? My wife had an affair with her building security.

I found out in the worst way possible and it just about broke me.

We had actually broken up at the start of covid and weren't even living together. December came around he came to collect some bits he had forgot ( maybe 7months had passed). Anyways stupidly we had some drinks and one thing led to another.

Once I found out I was pregnant he wanted to give it another go, so I wouldn't say I thought he was perfect at all, just circumstances had changed and thought be had changed.

I mean I don't want to hurt his feelings so him not finding out is fine.

I think breaking up is the best for everyone especially my children.

You’re right, breaking up is best for everyone. Your only other choice is to stay together with someone you don’t love while also shagging a man who you don’t love.

find your self respect.

Put your children first - make sure their home life is as drama free as possible, even if that means having separated parents.

If you pay the rent and it’s your aunt’s house, surely he’s not a joint tenant on any paperwork? You could just tell him you want him to leave in xxx weeks time and warn him the locks will be being changed etc on that date. It’s all drifted because you allowed it to. Don’t be passive in your own life, we only get one and they are so short.
Don’t add unnecessary drama or danger to yourself or the children by telling him anything other than the simple fact he has to leave.

I'd not bother telling him about your affair, but I would be telling him you Are separating. I don't know the legalities of your aunts place, but I would be telling him he needs to find somewhere else to live by x date and talk about the children and how you can facilitate custody/visitation.

You don't need his permission OP. If you want to end it you can. He can't force you to stay together. He may not want to end it but he really can't do anything about it if your mind is made up.

If you're still having sex with him, then ethically you should tell him that you're sexually involved with someone else. Otherwise it's up to you, but if the relationship with your partner is over from your perspective and he knows that there's not much point.

What do you mean by I am literally a single mother who i supposed to have a partner? Is he not doing his share of the parenting/childcare and leaving it all up to you? If so, could that be a reason he doesn't want to split up - potentially having the children on his own part of the time, having to find a house suitable for them to stay, or even just (if he shirks all that) the possibility of having to pay child maintenance? In any case, it's time to remind him to leave, give him a deadline, and stick with it. Find out your legal rights and follow through with using them if he still won't leave of his own free will.

I wouldn't say I thought he was perfect at all, just circumstances had changed and thought be had changed.

That's an irresponsibly tenuous basis to bring a child into the world. I feel bad for saying that but it boils my piss that people create such nightmarishly difficult situations for themselves and others.

We had actually broken up at the start of covid and weren't even living together. December came around he came to collect some bits he had forgot ( maybe 7months had passed). Anyways stupidly we had some drinks and one thing led to another.
This is too pathetic....
Once I found out I was pregnant he wanted to give it another go, so I wouldn't say I thought he was perfect at all, just circumstances had changed and thought be had changed.
So enough drinks that you didn't take precautions? Intentionally cos you though he'd changed?
I mean I don't want to hurt his feelings so him not finding out is fine.
and yet you're happy to cheat on him with someone else (who also has children....and an innocent partner). But let's not hurt him, eh.
I think breaking up is the best for everyone especially my children.
They are also his children.

Even if you decide to end things, you should be honest. You owe him that.
There will always be doubts otherwise and the uncertainty is worse.
At least when you have all the facts, you can put it behind you and move on.