Kids Dad - trouble

[Keeharbunny]

A quick briefing.. we split 9 years ago. He was abusive, the police had to be called. Our parenting relationship has been rocky since but I've never stopped him seeing the kids. He's been known to speak badly of me to them. Atm he is living in a caravan (past 3 years, after being kicked out of his dad's house for poor behaviour) so he can't have them over night. I let him stay at my home 2 nights every two weeks to see them while I went away but he was leaving my place in a mess, letting them stay up until the early hours on screens and feeding them rubbish. So it stopped. He's been seeing them for 5 hours every two weeks for a year. A month ago I asked if he wanted to try again for one night. Conditions were that phones were taken away at 8pm and he kept the place clean. First night was okay. Fast forward to the next time..two weeks later and I get home, the place is filth, the kids are tired dirty, my 14 year old had his phone in his room and didn't go to Sleep until 4am. They've been eating rubbish and my 12 year old feels sick with a stomach ache through the night, i can only assume because of all the crap they ate. He only had them for 24 hours!
I message him to say all this and that I can't have him here overnight again. He says I'm attacking him that my "actions affect the kids in the most hideous way" I apparently have an accountability complex. I'm disgusting.
My Son is tired at bedtime, he ends up going to sleep 2 hours before he would normally but not before shouting at me a lot, refusing to brush his teeth. Then this morning spends the whole morning shouting again, telling me to shut up, slamming doors. This isnt like him at all. He has the odd teenage blow out but this isn't normal for him. I've taken his phone away this morning.
What do I do? His Dad I'm sure is absolute poison. Is it best to keep it at 5 hours every two weeks? The kids love their Dad, They have fun with him. I feel like I'm coming out of this the bad guy constantly even though I'm not?! How do I handle this with my eldest? I didn't have a great childhood myself at his age i was in and out of foster eventually going to live with my Gran so I'm really triggered by these extreme outbursts and high emotions.
Thanks for reading 😞

Yes I would keep it to 5 hrs every two weeks and not let him in your home again. Keep all communication with him to a minimum for the purpose of arranging visitation with the kids and completely ignore any other messages that are abusive. Re-establish a good routine with your children and explain that you can't have their dad in your home because he doesn't put their needs first. It's normal for teenagers to be stroppy and act out when they don't get their way, stay calm and stick to your house rules. Be available to listen to their worries and reassure them that they can talk to you about anything. You can explain in an age appropriate way why you split and it's good for them to see you holding your boundaries and not allowing him to further abuse you.

Agree with the first poster. Don't let him in your home, disrupting your routines and safe space. If he can't manage a stable home to have them overnight, that's on him not you.

Definitely don't let him stay in your home again. You've tried to help him out and he's abused your generosity. If he wants to have the kids overnight , then he needs to sort out his own accommodation or them. You should have just told him he's not welcome to stay in your house like that because he left it in a mess.

The other stuff isn't really anything you can get involved in - when he has the kids on his time, you don't get to dictate what he feeds them etc. (obviously letting him use your home creates a conflict in this area, where it's making you feel entitled in areas you wouldn't normally be). Complaining to him about that was always just going to lead to an unnecessary argument.

A 14 yo should be able to regulate their own bed time better than that - not simply stay up until 4am because no one has confiscated their devices and instructed them to go to bed. Kind of suggests you're helicoptering.

You never let him in your house again is a start

Stop letting him do this please. Truth is he's not a good dad so should be limited to see them .

Don't have him in your home.

As hard as it is the kids need to learn who he is as when they are older it will be harder to reconcile with a dad that lets them down when they think he was there for them in their childhood.

Of course the kids love spending time with him. They know he's barely interested so this is what kids do to try and keep their attention.

I think it was a mistake to let him in your house again. That needs to be a door threshold how. No coming in.

he can take them out for the day. Cinema, cafe, park etc

He can take them out even if it's Saturday and Sunday every other weekend, especially at the weather gets nicer, he can see them without it being in your home, make sure they get a good breakfast at home and they're back for dinner a McDonald's or similar for lunch I've a fortnight isn't going to hurt them and you can keep them in their routine

You dont need to let him use your house, its above and beyond. Hes not got a suitable space to have them overnight because of his poor choices. Go back to the 5 hours a fortnight routine,much better for everyone. Letting him in more just opens you up to his piss taking ways which then creates conflict. The daytime routine you had is the even keel.